nothing left for you - {y.kh x s.hs}

bug

"Can we go to Target and grab something for her to sleep in?" I asked, sitting in the back while Maiya slept. "It doesn't need to be a full on crib but if there's an inexpensive bassinet there, that'd be good. I don't wanna put her in my bed." My adrenaline from everything was starting to wear off and now is when I desperately wanted a drink. Because holy fucking shit, I have a baby in this car right now.

While it may have been noble or whatever when I was talking out options with Wonho, now it seems fully unfeasible. What the entire fuck was I doing with a baby? I can't take care of a baby. I was supposed to be married before I even considered having kids. This was backwards. I'm not even six months clean, I can't take care of a baby.

Minhyuk drove us to Target, and I asked Wonho to come in with me. "I don't know the first thing about taking care of a baby and now I have one." I chuckled at myself. Pathetic.

"It's okay, I'll help you," Wonho smiled. "I like babies, I know a little bit."

I nodded as we headed to the baby aisle. We found a little bassinet for about $60 that would work fine. "You know... Jooheon told me I couldn't be a father or a guardian of any sort one time?" I sighed, looking for some clothes and diapers.

Wonho cocked and eyebrow. "Did he have a reason other than the drugs?" I shook my head.

I never knew if he had sound reason to say what he said to me. "I'm a romantic, believe it or not. And I want a family. Guess part of that is because I never had much of one. But one day I told him I could see us getting married and having kids. At least three. I didn't care if I had sons or daughters or the order I wanted them in. But I knew I wanted both." I guess we needed a few bottles and formula too. John had most of what she needed in her bag but I wanted extra in case I would be able to actually keep Maiya. "He told me I was delusional if I thought I would be able to be his husband, let alone a father. And then he proceeded to cut lines for us and laughed when I started crying."

I'm so blessed to have Wonho with me now. As much as I hated to admit it, as much as I wanted to fight it? He wrapped his arms around my waist giving me a hug. "I think you'll be a great parental figure. Imagine what Maiya's gonna say when she grows up. Her brother adopted her even when he didn't know about her, because she wasn't safe. He had no reason to want to be involved in her life and he did it anyway. That's selflessness, and that's being a stand up person for a child. You held that in your heart before you even knew she was in danger." I nodded, fighting my tears.

When we got home, Maiya finally woke up. She cried loudly, clearly upset that she was with me. Minhyuk got the bassinet and Wonho grabbed the car seat as I grabbed her bag and we went up to my apartment. "Do you think she's hungry?" I asked.

"Probably," Wonho said, setting the car seat on the table so he could get her out. I took the bag and went to go make a bottle.

Anxiety. That's what this was. I couldn't even think straight enough to make a bottle. "Are you sure she's not scared?" I asked, coming back with a haphazardly made bottle.

Wonho furrowed his eyebrows. "Babies get scared but I doubt she's scared, come sit with me on the couch." We headed to the couch and I sighed softly, hating to hear her cry. Wonho started to feed her and Maiya wanted nothing to do with it. "I don't think it's me she wants," he said, starting to pass her to me.

"N-No... I'll accidentally make her choke her or something," I mumbled. I had no time for excuses, he had already put Maiya in my arms before I finished speaking.

Wonho handed me the bottle next. "Sit her up a little bit, you don't want her completely parallel to your lap. Go ahead." Before I even got to feeding her, her crying stopped slowly. My heart beat in ways I didn't even know were possible. "Hmm, what'd I say?" Wonho asked. "She was crying because she was looking for you."

Maiya started mouthing like she was hungry, so I started to feed her. Small baby tears fell away as she blinked softly in contentment. "Awe bug," I smiled softly. "I got you, Kiki's got you." I continued feeding her and afterwards burped her. Minhyuk and Wonho went to go build her bassinet as I changed her diaper and put her in a different onesie.

Time flew as I laid on the couch, talking to her and making her feel comfortable. Soon after, she fell asleep and I wasn't too far behind her. "Kihyun," Minhyuk came out. "Bassinet's built. You wanna go out her down?"

I looked at the time. "No, no it's okay. Just roll it in here?" He nodded, going to get it. "Thank you. Besides, I don't mind this right now." It was comforting. Every anxiety I was feeling melted away with my sister in my arms. She was everything that was pure and right in the world. And I wouldn't dare let anything hurt her. Hell would freeze over before I gave up fighting for her.