nothing left for you - {y.kh x s.hs}

birthday

The day I hated the most. Not because of what happened on the first day this came around. But what happened every year after that. It was my birthday. The first and second years, I don't remember. The years from age three to eight, my mother was in tears every morning and every evening. Why? She called my father to try to get him to come see me. She never told me, but I always knew. I could hear her beg him to just come see about me. No, she wasn't calling for herself, and how dare he assume she would use me to get him. And he'd say she used him to get me, so who's to say that wasn't a change. All the while refusing to admit that he used her. When I turned nine, I woke up really early and even got up this time. I decided I was a big kid now. I told her not to call him this year or any year after this. I didn't need him if he didn't need me. That's when she finally gave up.

When I turned 12, people knew I was gay. It was "happy fag day" at school. No one else in school had my birthday, so it became a day dedicated to bullying me. I'm guessing teachers put cards in my locker the day before, because they would've seen all the decorations on my locker if they'd done it the day of. My locker looked like the back of Spencer's. Kids would hand me the dick shaped lollipops and make me eat it. I learned to skip on my birthday for the next two years of middle school.

Getting to high school birthdays... my mother only witnessed a couple of them. Minhyuk showed up to my birthdays high until he overdosed. During the school days, I learned to lie about my birthday. Everyone played Two Truths, One Lie. I would play Two Lies, One Truth instead. My birthday was November 3rd, Minhyuk's birthday. He wasn't ever allowed to answer on my 2T1Ls anyway. When he asked me why I took his birthday, I told him about middle school. My 16th birthday was awful. My mother was gone, Minhyuk was gone. I laid in bed all day, I refused to see anyone or do anything. I just cried. And if I'm not mistaken, my 16th birthday was the day I started self harming.

So, I'm not excited for today. It's another day. But I'm getting better, I used to say that it was another day towards death. Now, it's just another day. "Happy birthday to you," Minhyuk knocked at my door, walking in. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Bubba. Happy birthday to you!" I sat up, stretching softly. "It's not much but I know you don't like celebrating your birthday, but it's still your birthday."

I didn't hear him after his song. I was looking at my phone, hoping Wonho remember. I heard Minhyuk tell him last night. He acted like he wasn't supposed to care. "Okay. I should know this why?" He asked.

"Because as mad as you are at him for being afraid to commit, which we don't want him committing to anything other than himself at the moment any damn how, you love him. You love him, he loves you, and I know he would appreciate having the people he loved for his birthday." Minhyuk was going to bat for me having a relationship? It was confusing but sweet nonetheless.

So, maybe I was expecting Wonho to pull through. The parallel between me and my mother was alarmingly huge. "Hey," Minhyuk said, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Your pancakes are getting waxy."

I looked up, gasping slightly before blowing out the candles. "Thank you, Min. It means a lot to me." I nodded, taking my plate of food to the kitchen.

"Is there anything you want to do today?" Minhyuk asked. Not really. Just one thing I never did before.

I nodded softly. "I want to get a job." Minhyuk's eyes widened. "I want to get my life back on track. I'm qualified to be a photographer, I want to go around applying again." He congratulated me for the initiative.

"I'm so proud of you. Let me know about ten minutes before you want to go for lunch or something." Minhyuk smiled and left me to my search.

We got ready to go for lunch at about 12:30, I needed to go eat before I got lightheaded. We went to a restaurant we used to go to when we first came to California. "Table for Lee Minhyuk," I smiled softly, checking my phone again.

The hostess furrowed her eyebrows. "I don't see a reservation under that name." She frowned softly.

"What?" I asked. "Okay? Maybe try Yoo." No results for that either.

Well, this was frustrating. Minhyuk told her to check again. "You're not going to find the reservation under Lee Minhyuk." I turned around, wondering why anyone else would know that. My eyes widened  a bit when I realized who was speaking. "It's under Lee Hoseok."

Minhyuk smiled, giving me a side hug. "You okay, Bubba?" He asked. I shook my head as I covered my mouth.

I pulled away from Minhyuk to wrap my arms around Wonho, crying softly. "I thought you weren't going to make it. I didn't think you wanted me anymore."

Wonho kissed my forehead, hugging me tightly. "Now how could I not want you? I'm sorry I've been distant... I was scared too." I pulled away slightly to look at him. Wonho wiped my tears a bit. "I felt like I pushed you too much and I thought I was hurting you. I figured it'd be easier to avoid you." He frowned a bit, feeling bad for my reaction.

"Well you didn't have to be a dick," I chuckled, kissing him softly. The waitress then led the three of us to a booth.

After lunch, I went with Wonho. "We're going on a date," he smiled. "This is my gift to you." I was head over heels excited for our first date.