nothing left for you - {y.kh x s.hs}

past life

After dinner, I decided that I wanted to spend time with Wonho alone. There were things I had to say and I needed to properly apologize to him. "Do you mind if I come upstairs with you, Wonho?" I asked as we got out of the car at our apartment building.

Wonho shook his head. "Not at all," he said. "Minhyuk, I'll have him back downstairs soon. Sound like a plan?"

Minhyuk was a little hesitant. "Would it be an issue if I came upstairs too?" He asked. It really wouldn't be, but I wanted to be alone. It was going to take me a while to get the words right and it was embarrassing enough remembering how much fucked up shit I did and said. Plus, I felt like the apology deserved to be intimate to show how genuine I was.

"A little bit," I sighed. "I just want to talk with him, I'm not gonna do anything stupid to endanger my sobriety and rehabilitation already." Minhyuk nodded, backing off. Wonho led us to his apartment and anxiety picked back up. What if I said something that made it worse? What if I did something wrong? Maybe I should've brought Bear with me.

We walked in and I waited until Wonho offered me a seat before I sat down. "Do you want something to drink or anything?" He asked, gesturing to his kitchen table.

"No thank you," I smiled softly. I was beyond nervous. I felt like I was going to throw up. What if I can't fix what I broke? What if I hurt him terribly? Minhyuk's broken ten years of sobriety already, what if I had Wonho breaking himself too?

Before Wonho sat down, he brought some napkins to the table and two bottles of water. "I was thirsty myself."

I furrowed my eyebrows, pointing at the napkins. "What are those for?" I asked.

"Something tells me that we might end up crying," Wonho chuckled a little.

I nodded, sadly smiling. "Fuck, I... I had all these words I wanted to say and now I don't know." I didn't know how to start. "You... you have done so much for me when I've done nothing for you, and I'm beyond sorry for what I've done. You fucking helped save me. More than once. And I... I was cruel and evil to you."

Wonho nodded a bit. "Well, you've have cruel and evil all your life, I assume. It's what you're used to?" He asked.

"My mama wasn't cruel or evil. Dad, Minhyuk, they weren't. In fact, you hit the nail on the head that one day. Mama loved me so much. She was so good about making everything seem easy, even though my father was a deadbeat to us. She always told me 'I made that body from scratch, Kihyun. Be careful with it.' When she didn't come home one day, I woke up to Dad knocking at my front door with the police. There was a car wreck earlier in the evening before sunset. Someone ran her off the road, because they were pissed. Road rage took her from me. Mama wasn't cruel, but her fate was. She hurt no one, did nothing wrong... and she died at the hands of a driver who was pissed that she cut over a little too close." There came the tears. I hadn't told anyone else that story. Minhyuk and Dad knew. Jooheon did too, but no one else. I reached for a napkin, patting my eyes dry. "And with Jooheon, he would use that against me every chance he got. He would ask me if he was sure she didn't just kill herself to get away from me. He broke everything inside of me and I let him. And in turn, I break everyone else around me."

Wonho reached for my hand, hoping to hold it. When I grabbed it, he squeezed it softly. "No one lets this happen. No one lets abuse take control. They just don't know how to get out of it and still save their lives. Yes, you did say some hurtful things. I've forgiven you over and over. I need you to forgive yourself now. That was in the past, and that wasn't Kihyun. Not the Kihyun you are now, no the Kihyun that grew up with Minhyuk. You weren't yourself. You tried to protect yourself, even if it hurt someone else because you were scared. I forgive you for that. Now, I need you to forgive yourself." I nodded, wiping my tears away with my free hand.