nothing left for you - {y.kh x s.hs}

fool

"Kihyun what the fuck is going on with you?" Minhyuk asked as we got back to our apartment.

I shook my head. "I want to spill all my feelings," I said. "All of them. And I want you to hear me. I think I'm actually fucking crazy."

Minhyuk furrowed his eyebrows, sitting down to the kitchen table, offering me a seat. "Go ahead," he said.

I took a deep breath. I wanted my entire web of thoughts out on the table. Nothing made sense, and I was tired of holding it in. "I want to drink. I want to drink, I want to smoke, I want to shoot up. I want to be fucked liked there's no fucking tomorrow. I'm used to all of this shit. And he made me want it all. When he give me my first joint, I realized what you loved about it. And then when he shot me up for the first time, I saw what enamored you about all of the drugs. And I finally knew what you'd seen that I had missed. He got me on this shit and I can't get off of it yet."

Minhyuk nodded. "That's not necessarily crazy," he sighed. "You never know your last is going to be your last. You're addicted, Kihyun. You're dependent on all of the drugs. The alcohol, the weed, the shots, the pills. Your brain is wired to need them." I nodded, that much made sense to me.

"I get that," I sighed. "I don't get why I miss him. Why I want him. Why I feel like I need him. While I was fucking terrified during every moment with him the other day, he touched me and I felt electricity. Not the electrocution I expected, but the sparks. He touched me and I felt like I needed more of it. Even when he hit me, I wanted him."

Once I said that, I'm sure we both had the same idea. "Do you want to fucking die?" Minhyuk asked. Yes, was the short answer. Me keeping quiet was answer enough for him. "Why?" He asked again.

I bit my lip, tears coming to my eyes. "I don't remember what it's like to not hurt." Which was true. From the moment I knew my father wanted nothing to do with me because he was the deacon of a church who had an affair, I'd never been hurt free. "My father cheated on his wife and never took responsibility for it, because his bible-thumping job came before that. I was an abomination worse than the fucking adulterous sin he committed." Man, I was fucked up.

"Fuck him," Minhyuk said, tears springing to his eyes. "God will get him later. He thinks his love child is what'll get him in trouble? He'll burn in Hell for leaving his child like this." I felt bad, getting Minhyuk this riled up again. "The one good thing he did was give me my brother. That's the only thing I have to say for him. I know your father broke your heart way before any man could. I know you were probably looking for someone to fill his space. But that's not Jooheon and that's not where you belong, Bubba."

I shrugged a bit, wiping mine away. "I don't feel like that. I feel like, if anything, that's the only place I belong. And not because of love. I feel like I honestly deserve to hurt like this. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but all I know is something I did led me to this." I looked down at my hands, noticing how hard I was clenching them.

Minhyuk bit his lip a bit. "If I weren't here to stop you from doing anything, what would you do?"

So much... I wanted every out I could find. "I wanna boot so much, Minhyuk. I don't know if it's the withdrawal or if it's the depression, but if I could, I would. I'd probably die for one hit too many. Literally." Drugs wasn't the only thing I wanted. "I'd be with Jooheon, just because I know one day he's gonna hit me too hard, knock me out cold." Minhyuk nodded, looking at his phone for a second.

I didn't know what he was doing? But I didn't think I wanted to know. "There are two hospitals here, Kihyun. One's in Methodist and the other is in Durham." Hospitals inside hospitals? What was he... fuck! This isn't what I wanted from this. "I asked you what you'd do because I have a job offer. If I get it, I cannot take care of you. Wonho isn't too fond of you, I'm not gonna ask him to watch you. And you're getting to a point I can't pull you back from. I need you to get help." I got up from the table, watching Minhyuk throw his head in his hands. "Kihyun, when have I begged you for anything in my life? Ever? I'm begging you, please let me take you? I need you safe and if you aren't, I can't do my best to provide for the both of us."