nothing left for you - {y.kh x s.hs}

choices

When I got back home the next morning, Minhyuk was sitting on the couch, arms folded and stern lecture on the tip of his tongue. "Before you say anything," I sighed, shutting the door.

"No." He stated, standing up. "You're being reckless already, Kihyun. Be honest with me, did you sleep with him?" I nodded softly, feeling guilty about it suddenly. "Kihyun, you've already fucking endangered your sobriety."

Time to use my words. I can't walk away without telling him how I feel. "I understand the concern. I'm a little disappointed in myself as well. But I don't appreciate the lecturing. I know you care and you're worried, but right now all you're doing is making me feel bad about myself." Minhyuk took a deep breathe and took a second before responding.

I was terrified to hear the response. Maybe he saw me shaking or gripping the side of my pants for stability. Whatever he saw or heard, it changed his tone. "I'm sorry," he started. "I can see how harsh I came off. And yes, I am worried about you. I just want to make sure you're taking everything seriously." I furrowed my eyebrows slightly.

"I don't want to die, Minhyuk." I started thinking about everything. "Do you want me to tell you what happened?" He nodded, patting the couch for me to sit next to him.

When I left the apartment, when I left those notes? I didn't want anything. I didn't want to come back, I didn't want freedom. I was going to forever be tied to Jooheon, that was just my fate and I accepted it.

Jooheon picked me up down the street from the apartment. "I knew you were gonna come back to me." I nodded, looking down at my lap. "What do you want, Kihyun? Do you want to get high, do you wanna get fucked up? Or do you wanna get fucked out? I can do it all." I had no doubt that he could or that he even would. I had to choose carefully because with him, once you said yes, it was a legally binding decision.

"I don't care," I said, looking out the window. "I don't want to think." Then again, coming out to this parking lot with him proved I wasn't thinking.

I knew this sadistic fuck loved that. "I'll treat you right. Even though I shouldn't. You ran away from me. That was a bad Kihyun. You gonna be good for me?" I nodded, keeping my mouth shut like I knew how to. "Good boy."

When we pulled over, Jooheon reached behind me to clear out the back seat. "I'm guessing you want it right to the groin? Easy access for multiple reasons." I nodded, quickly unbuckling my pants. I needed it, the drugs. I wanted the rush.

"After it sets in?" I asked softly, wincing a little at the poke. I hadn't had this in so long, it felt like a shot. Jooheon looked up at me after he emptied the syringe into my veins. "I want you to fuck me like there's no tomorrow." I didn't plan on there being a tomorrow.

Jooheon smirked, kissing me roughly. "You always were a needy slut for me."

Minhyuk cringed a bit. "Can you remember what happened after you guys had sex?" He asked.

I tried. "I feel like he said something like 'You're usually too out of it to hold onto me like this. You might not be high enough.' Like... like he was being considerate of my high. It wasn't caring at all. I was honestly fucked up and fucked out. I held onto him because it was closeness I had driven away from me before. That, and being in the front seat was cramped enough. Wrapping around him was comfortable. If I wasn't clingy, he would've noticed I was high enough. And he just shot me up again. That second hit was way stronger after it got into my system. I remember my hands dropping from his arms. And I think he said something about that being more like it. Then he kissed me again and I don't remember anything after that." My memory was failing me.

"I'm gonna ask you this, and I want you to be honest." I nodded, ready for it. "Do you think he raped you?" That, I wasn't ready for.

Suddenly, panic came over me. "I asked for everything that happened that night."

He shook his head. "Kihyun, you didn't ask to overdose. You didn't ask for that second hit. And you were far too high to ask him to kiss you again. We found you with your clothes half off. You were passed out and fell out of the backseat of the car." The backseat? No, when we fucked we were in the front.

"At no point did I get in the backseat..." I tried to think, but I couldn't.

Minhyuk held my hand. "I'm not trying to give you another traumatic experience to deal with. But I want to be here if you realize or remember anything." Anything meaning being taken advantage of.

I shook my head. "He's done it before, but that wasn't anything like any time before."

His jaw dropped immediately. "You... Kihyun? He's raped you before?" I nodded, willing the tears to go away this time. "Bubba... when?" Minhyuk asked.

When didn't he take advantage of me? When didn't he just make me accept that being in a relationship with him meant I had to submit to be his sex slave? When didn't he exploited his power over me, I'm every aspect? "After he started having sex with Changkyun, I never wanted to have sex with him. If I ended up in bed with him, he fucked me. He had sex with me. And I ended up in bed with him on party nights when I distinctly remember trying to stay with you. I knew what was waiting for me when I got home." I never called it what it was. I didn't know I even could.

"Why didn't you speak up?" Minhyuk asked. "I'm not judging or shaming you for that, I can understand the many reasons why not. I just want to know what your reason was."

There went the tears. "I didn't know I could. I didn't know it was called rape. Not for me. I thought that since I stayed, it was just a part of the deal." Minhyuk wiped my tears away, pulling me into a hug.

He ran his hand through my hair. "Shh, Bubba... it's okay. You're safe now." Was I though?

"Anywhere I go, I'm not safe." I sniffled softly, holding onto my brother tighter. "Because anywhere I go, I'm sure to follow." I never made myself a victim but I surely kept myself a victim. "Minhyuk, I slept with Wonho because I knew I was safe. I knew he wouldn't hurt me and he wouldn't let me hurt myself. I convinced him, I seduced him. We were sure we wanted it, even if we weren't supposed to. And when he cried afterwards, telling me how scared he was? I couldn't leave and come back here to sleep in my room alone. I didn't trust myself."

Minhyuk nodded, seeming to understand now why I was with him last night. "If you ever feel like you need to go back, let me know and I will get you back to a safe place. You're going to be okay, Kihyun. And there's a lot you've done, but the things that continued to happen to you after you wanted to stop it, that's not your fault. Remember that, okay?" I nodded, laying my head down on Minhyuk's chest. Before I knew it, I was completely serene again and falling asleep.