nothing left for you - {y.kh x s.hs}

attempt

I was getting out today. It'd been about a month away from my apartment and I missed being there. I missed everyone, since I had only seen them for a total of 30 hours in the past 30 days. "You ready to have one last meeting, Kihyun?" A nurse came to my door, coming to take me to my last meeting with my psychiatrist.

"More than ready," I smiled, getting up and following her.

She flipped one of the drawstrings of my hoodie, "Wanna take that off and hand it to me? I'll hold onto it until you actually leave."

I hadn't even noticed that there was strings in it, so I nodded and took it off. I told Minhyuk to avoid drawstrings. I hated not having a jacket because the office gets cold, but it's fine I guess. I'm almost home. "Good morning, Kihyun." Dr. Lin smiled. She was a sweetheart and a huge softie. I hope she lets me know how to keep in contact. "So, do you know what it's gonna be like for you when you go home?" She asked.

"I know that Minhyuk has probably suicide proofed the apartment. If I'm not mistaken, he might've had our doors temporarily removed, except for the bathroom. It probably looks vastly different than before, and it's gonna be weird, but I can handle it." Hearing myself admit all the changes coming felt less constricting this time. Maybe it was because I was finally accepting that things needed to change if I wanted to feel better. "I'm at a point where I'm still struggling, but I want it to get better and I know that's gonna take time. I don't want to kill myself to get that result."

Dr. Lin nodded. "That's perfectly okay. That's a good place to be compared to where you came from. You're 30 days clean today, so I want to give you this." She handed me a chip, a red chip medallion. "You said your favorite color was red, so I bought you your first NA chip. I wanted to be the first one to give it to you." My jaw dropped as I looked up at her.

The tears of gratefulness started to pour. "Dr. Lin, thank you so much." I wiped my eyes, holding onto the chip for dear life. "Do you know where I can join a Narcotics Anonymous group? That's the first big thing I want to do tomorrow."

Dr. Lin looked through her resources for brochures for me. "There you go, Kihyun. Before you leave, let's set up appointments and get you signed up with a program we have where you can contact me directly whenever you need to." I nodded, following her to her computer.

Shortly after had just finished setting me up with the program, someone buzzed in for me. "Minhyuk and Hoseok are here for Kihyun." I suddenly was afraid. I had been doing so good here. What was gonna happen when the outside world came back into my existence?

"Let's go get you checked out, Kihyun." Dr. Lin was the sweetest. She helped me desensitize myself to some of the pain that was there. My father never being around, or popping up randomly just to leave me again. Witnessing my best friend waste away because of drugs. Everything Jooheon was. It didn't stop hurting, but it hurt less. When I thought of my father, I stopped thinking so much about the time where him and my mother got into an argument and he drove away from us. While I cried for him to take me with him, I tried to run with his truck. When I thought of Minhyuk, I stopped hating him for his choices. Hating him for not doing anything about Jooheon. Hating him for getting clean while I struggled so hard with it. Jooheon just scared me less and I learned to recognize when someone actually loved me, not just the power they had over me. I learned a lot here and I was terrified to lose it all. I guess that meant I had something to lose.

As soon as Minhyuk and I signed release forms at the front desk, he enveloped me in a bear hug. Why did you think we called him Bear? He wouldn't stop crying. "God, Kihyun... I missed you so much." I glanced at Dr. Lin, hoping she saw my discomfort. Even though it was nothing but love, he grabbed me suddenly. I couldn't handle sudden movements.

Dr. Lin just nodded at me. As if to say it was okay for me to let him know I wasn't comfortable, even though he was just happy to see me and he wasn't really hurting me. "I missed you too Bear..." I gulped softly, my throat running dry. "But... but can you please let go of me?" I asked. He nodded, letting me go and wiping his tears subsequently. "It's not that I'm not happy to see you, but... the sudden movement scared me. I didn't like that."

Minhyuk nodded, completely understanding. "Do you have something you'd like me to do to ask you if it's okay to hug you?" He asked. I never had this conversation about consent. Ever. It was refreshing to say the least.

"I uh..." I looked back for Dr. Lin, but she'd already stepped away. I was alone again. "I don't know? If you want to hold my hand, I'd like it better if you could tap my hand with your pinkie finger. Just to let me know? We can practice it later? If that's okay."

Wonho had a huge smile on his face. "That sounds great," Minhyuk said, leading us out to the car.

I looked at Wonho and shot him a shy smile. "Why are you smiling?" I asked.

"You just incorporated things you learned here into your life immediately." He said. "You recognized that you weren't comfortable. You let the person know, firmly. You had a conversation with them, explaining what you preferred. And you resolved your own discomfort, without internalizing it until it bothered you that much more."

I thought about it for a second. "Wow," I smiled. "I guess I did, huh?" Wonho nodded, opening one of his arms to suggest a hug. I gave him a small side hug before we got in the car.

I decided I needed to tell him something, but I didn't want to have a full conversation. I just wanted to be happy I was home. So I resorted to texting him.

Me:
Hey, so... I know you mentioned that you loved me, actually. And I don't know if you weren't telling me just so I would choose to go to a psychiatric hospital, or what. But... part of being free now is learning to be independent. I have to work on staying clean, I have to get myself right before I can think about a relationship. But I wanted to say thank you for not giving up on me, even when I said and did the shittiest things to you. I love and appreciate you for that.

I watched as Wonho opened up his messages, taking a second to read. He nodded a bit, not actually replying. "So, Kihyun." Minhyuk asked, butting in unbeknownst to him. "Do you wanna go to Campisi's?"

My favorite Italian place. "Of course?" I chuckled. "Is that even a question?" He smiled, finding his way to the interstate.

My phone buzzed softly, letting me know I had a message.

Wonho:
I know, Kihyun. Don't worry about it. When you're ready, you'll know. And I'll be waiting. But don't rush yourself. You don't need to worry about me. But I thank you for telling me and communicating with me. Another thing you've done well.

I smiled softly, looking out the window as we rode. The outside world was brighter today. I felt like I was trudging through life with muted vision. Now, colors were vibrant and enjoyable. I could see clearly now. I was excited to get to my recovery.