APUI: Volume 1 - My Life as a Werewolf

Chapter 33: It's Not Only my Health That's Degrading

< 💣 B POV 💣 >

The stares. I remember the stares. I specifically remember the stares. Curious stares. Cold stares. Calculating stares. Stares that asked 'are you okay?' and ones that said 'no one gives a fuck about you'. I remember exactly what is was like.

I walked in through the doors and everyone stared. Everyone knew what had happened. They had heard about the 'accident'. It was the first time I had been back since then. I felt so alone. So vulnerable. Everyone was judging me. Some tried to inquire about my health. Others tried to jeer at me. I kept going. Alone. I could push through.

That was how it continued. Some people noticed how skinny I looked. My hollow cheeks. The dark circles under my eyes. Others didn't. Others pretended they didn't. No one wanted to say anything. Everyone knew what should be said.

I visited the clinic. Stark, white walls. Overly happy nurses. "Honey, you're not eating enough". Plastic cutlery. Plastic crockery. Plastic doesn't break. Plastic is light. Plastic is not sharp.

I clutch my head. I open my eyes. But the walls are still white.

Such stark, white walls. I drift in the depths of the foundations. Where the world is bleached and very, very white. Just white. Bleached of colour. Leached of colour. Like a parasite had sucked it all away. All the colour. All the incentives. All the reasons. All the happiness.

The white walls ripple like water. "Your weight hasn't changed. In fact, it's deteriorating." More white walls. This time the nurse is taking about me but not to me. "Her mental state is deteriorating". I don't like it when they think I can't hear them. When they force me to eat. To drink. To sleep. To live.

They think I'm dumb. I hate the plastic. As soon as I go home it's not plastic anymore. Metal. China. Porcelain. Wood. Even in the clinic I have nails. It's not like I couldn't hurt myself if I wanted to.

I drift at school as well. Friends anchor me down but in lessons the tide pulls me out. I'm caught in a rip. But no lifesavers are qualified enough to save me. I stare blankly when they say they want to help. I don't want your help. I want to reverse the past. Make life the way it was. No shrink owns a time machine.

Where are they. The only ones that could help. They're gone. I'm alone. All alone.

"You need help". That was Ash. I like Ash. She understands. But she thinks I can be fixed. You can't fix me. "For fucks sake, just talk". "I'm talking" I mumble.

I can't control my mind, it wanders. Stay in one place. Stay now. But it does whatever it likes.

The memories are bad. They suck me in. Like the tide. Swash. Backwash. Swash. Backwash. Destructive waves. Backwash is stronger than swash. Pulling things out. Eroding foundations. Degrading hearts and minds and souls. Swash. Backwash. I can't swim.

Someone throws a rope. I can't hold on. They're all trying. I want to try to. I can't bring myself to try. At least when they're focussing on getting me out, they're not thinking about jumping in. Sometimes I see it in their eyes. But they see the consequences. They don't want to join me in the water. I'm drowning. They will too.

This time someone doesn't just throw a rope. They grab my arm. And pull. But in their other hand they have a knife. It either accept the help or die. I liked drowning. I could see my friends at the surface. I could stop them from jumping in. But if I was stabbed it would hurt. My body would float deep user the water. And it was almost guaranteed at least one person would follow it. I couldn't have that.

I forced myself to breath. I grabbed the arm with both hands. I had to do this. I clambered out of the water. I was wet and bedraggled. I eventually friend out but it took time. The water called. I left the white behind.

It still called to me. The water. And all it took was one stupid decision. I didn't realise what was happening until it was too late. I found myself standing on the bank. And I was pushed back in.

This time I floated. I embraced the water. The back was too high, too far away, inaccessible. But I knew how to avoid drowning. So no one even thought I was in trouble at all.

Slowly, I lowered the banks. I picked at the soil. I levelled the ground. I would get out. I was on my own. But I was strong. And I climbed out. And I made the one who pushed me leave. But the water still clung to my clothes.

And then the scenery changed. New people. New places. New pushes. And then-

Bile rose in my throat.

And-

I retched. I had to get out. Now. I had to-

An-

No! Leave now!

A-

I vomited. There was pressure on my head. I couldn't think. And then I could.

"I can't do this." I said to Jack, leaving over the sink. I'm going. "I have to leave". I hobbled out of the school and pulled Jackson's keys from my pocket. He didn't know I had them. He thought that I would just go outside, and come in again in 5 minutes. I couldn't.

I drove home. There were china plates a- No. The car pulled into my driveway. I'm Bella. I stubbled into the forest. I cried.

Charlie snuggled against me. I didn't think that they would come back. The mental blocks I had put up had leaks. My mental security was degrading. It couldn't. I forced the blocks back up. I fed the dog. I went to sleep. I would be able to deal with school tomorrow. I was sure of it this time.