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Chapter 15

How do you give genuine forgiveness to the people who have wronged you big time?

Could it be possible for you to forgive someone and still not talk to them? And if yes, is it still considered genuine forgiveness?

When that devastating thing happened, all I could ever think of was my anger. It filled not just my mind, my heart but also my soul and I was the one who could only understand what I truly feel. I couldn't even find the word 'forgiveness' in me.

I couldn't even consider forgiving because I was badly hurt.

As time passed by, the anger in me subdued... but the pain was still there. I realized that I shouldn't be angry for this long. It won't help. I encouraged myself to accept things the way they were. Kiel, and Veronica, and their child... or so I thought. Things became fine again with me and Kiel but I can't say the same for Veronica.

Tahimik lang ako na nakamasid sa kaniya na kaharap ko. She looks pale... and sad. She invited me to have a talk with her in a nearby coffee shop noong makita ko siya sa grocery kanina and I also don't understand myself for agreeing to come with her. Hindi ko pa nalilimutan ang ginawa niya.

"Uhm, gusto ko lang...," she began but stopped and chewed her lower lip midway. "Gusto ko lang na humingi ng tawad."

I didn't move nor responded. I stayed observing her. What she said seemed so foreign in my ears.

"Alam ko... napakakapal ng mukha ko para kausapin ka pa pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa ko sayo at kay Zach. Ilang taon na ang lumipas pero gusto kong ipaalam sa 'yo na sobrang... sobrang nagsisisi ako sa lahat ng mga iyon. Mauunawaan ko kung hindi mo ako mapapatawad at naiintindihan ko rin na masyadong malaki ang kasalanang iyon para patawarin mo," sambit niya at napayuko.

"Masyado akong naging bulag noon sa nararamdaman mo. Gusto ko lang naman na makita ni Kiel iyong halaga ko, hindi bilang isang kaibigan kung hindi bilang si Veronica. Gusto ko lang din maranasan iyong pakiramdam na mahal ka ng tao. Iyong pakiramdam na inaalagaan at sinusuportahan katulad ng ginagawa niya sa 'yo. Nagmahal lang ako," she continued, tears forming in her eyes.

"Love is not selfish, Veronica," I said, staring at her. She looked down and nodded subtly.

"I know, and I know how wrong I am for ruining your relationship. I know how wrong I am for crossing the line. Masyado akong naging makasarili. Plinano at ginawa ko pa rin kahit alam ko naman na mayroong masasaktan," she sobbed.

"I-I'm so sorry, Jade. I am really sorry. A-alam ng Dyos kung gaano kalaki ang pagsisisi ko sa mga ginawa ko," she added looking at me with eyes full of regrets. I inhaled deeply.

What Veronica did is not just any other thing. It cost me my relationship with Kiel which I value the most. What she did... destroyed me.

Sure, time can heal things, but six years is just too short for what she did.

"Alam mo? Mahal na mahal ka ni Zach," she mumbled, her voice breaking. I suddenly shifted my attention to her.

"Mahal na mahal ka niya... sobra. Hindi ko alam kung galit ka pa rin ba sa kaniya hanggang ngayon pero gusto kong sabihin na wala siyang kasalanan. Ako lahat ang may gawa non. Ako lahat ang nagplano noon. Nilagyan ko ng pampatulog iyong iniinom niya at sinadya ko din na makita mo iyong nakita mo noon. Walang nangyari sa amin, Jade. Kahit kailan hindi niya magagawang lokohin ka," she said, looking at me sadly.

"Kaya noong... noong umalis ka, galit na galit siya sa akin non. Hindi, kinamuhian niya ako noon. Doon ko na-realize na... kahit ano'ng gawin ko, hinding-hindi ko siya mapipilit na mahalin ako. Kahit noong umalis ka na, ikaw pa rin, e," she smiled bitterly.