The Ice Queen [s.b.]

↠do you like seeing me weak?, 1.29

January 16th.

That night, Anna goes up to the Astronomy tower for her meeting with Sirius, knowing it's time to come clean.

"Hey, Pads," she says softly.

He's looking out over the banister, his hair whipping behind him from the wind. Sirius doesn't turn around.

"Hi," he responds curtly.

"I know you know that I need to tell you something. Just do your best not to be mad?"

Sirius still doesn't turn around. "I'm not promising anything," he warns.

"I know. You can't promise anything before you hear it," she agrees, stepping forward so she's standing next to him, staring out at the glimmering lake. "I'm just going to talk now, and I need you to listen. You can say anything you want after, but I don't want you to interrupt. Apparently, when I was younger, I had a brother. His name was Jeremy. My parents erased him from my memory. I only have one memory of him and that's from a really long time ago. I need to find him or my life might be at risk. Remus and James's dad are both convinced that it will be, but I don't think it will. Dumbledore doesn't either. I'm really unconcerned about it, but I need to find my brother. And I'm really sorry for telling Remus before you, but he's helping me figure this out. And don't be mad at him, I kind of threatened him not to tell you. Anyways, we're working on a potion that's really dangerous and may or may not seriously injure one or both of us. So that's sort of where I'm at and I'm really hoping you're not hating me right now."

Sirius is silent for a second. "You went back to your old house, I'm assuming. And then you saw Tom Riddle."

"Yeah," Annalee breathes. "I'm sorry."

"Why would you do something so reckless, Annalee?" Sirius asks, sounding so broken it sends Annalee over the edge.

"I don't... I don't know," she mumbles, looking at her feet.

"You- I'm sorry that all of this is happening, but this is why we're careful. We- Godric, what am I even supposed to say?" he hisses, looking angrier than Anna had ever seen him. "I just want you safe, and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do that when you keep such big things from me. That's what it means to be in a relationship, to be able to trust the other person. Not to tell each other everything, but to trust that you'll tell me the important things. This is important."

"Then what do we do?" Annalee ventures.

Sirius considers this for a minute, clenching the banister so hard his knuckles turn white.

"We stay apart," Sirius answers. "I'm not sure I can be around you anymore."

She catches his gaze. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm not planning on doing it again. But I regret nothing. If I have a brother, then I need to find him. This is the only good of my childhood other than you and Reg. I... I can't not."

"And that's why I hope it works out for you," Sirius determines, his voice as even as he can manage. "But we might've lost each other along the way"

Annalee takes in a sharp breath. "Let's just talk tomorrow."

"No. We're talking now. Merlin, I just- I can't believe you kept this from me for so long. How long has it been? Two weeks?"

"Three," she mumbles. "I'm sorry."

"You keep saying that, but," Sirius chuckles humorlessly, "I'm not so sure I believe you."

"I know," Annalee says softly. "Are you okay?"

"Not really," Sirius admits.

"Can I hug you?" Anna asks.

Sirius wraps her in a desperate hug, knowing it'd be the last time. At least for a long while.

She seizes his face and pulls him into an urgent kiss. The world stops around them. 

"Goodbye, Fawley," Sirius whispers as he pulls away.

Annalee closes her eyes, no tears falling down.

He walks out of the tower.

On the way, he darts into a broom closet, expecting tears.

None come.

In unison, despite Sirius and Anna's different locations, they whisper, "I guess it's really over."

But that's just the thing about being raised in a family like theirs:

All of your bleeding is internal. Crying makes you weak. Chasing means you're destined to spend the rest of your life as desperate. If it's not to be, then it won't. No regrets. Regretting makes you weak. Stupid. Vulnerable.

And in that moment, Annalee and Sirius decide they don't want to be weak or stupid. And they decide that they'll never be vulnerable again.

A/N So this was a super short chapter, I know. It just didn't really feel right to add any more. Just a reminder, this book won't always be happy. If you're looking for a happy everything, look someplace else. I'm trying to represent how real feelings are, and people don't lose trust and get it back right away. It might take a while before Sirius fully feels like he can be around Anna again. Sirius feels betrayed, and I'm doing my best to ensure that I give him justice in those feelings. Thank you for bearing with me.

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R_F