cabinet

forty-two.

day 26 with jaehyung
15:47

i turn off my phone as guilt washes over me, i didn't get to tell them what happened but it was probably for the best anyways.

after what happened yesterday, he didn't speak to me whatsoever. and i could clearly remember the look on his face; he didn't cry, nor did he look angry, but he was quiet and he just stood up to leave the room.

it's hard for him, since he's just starting to gain his senses and everything else, but it's just as hard as it is for me.

ever since it happened, i couldn't stop thinking about everything else, all the days i've spent with him. was it really out of obligation? or was it because i felt like he was going to hate me if i haven't done what i did? either way, both sounds equally bad.

i only did it because i cared what he would think about me. god made me a bigger asshole than i thought, and it sucks. i already knew it, it was right in front of my face, but i refused to look at the truth because i was a coward.

i could only assume that he didn't want to hear the harsh truth either. yet, if i told him i cared, that would just make me run in circles, wouldn't it?

still, it hurts not to hear his overjoyed cheers occasionally throughout the day. not to mention how dead silent the apartment was this morning. we didn't exchange any words for breakfast, but i got to feed him, at least. i was afraid he'd refuse to eat, but as usual, he ate more than what he was served of.

as i walk out of the room, i would hear his footsteps rushing towards me in excitement, except there was none of that.

of course.. why would you expect something like that? i thought to myself. he wouldn't be doing that after the harsh response i gave him, even if it was just a mere word.

my head kept arguing with itself, thinking whether i should apologize to him and tell him the truth, or just continue being ashamed to look at jaehyung for the reason that i was doing everything i've done for myself only.

the other one seems like the best option now.

so, as i should, i walked to the living room to see jaehyung. except, the television is turned off, there isn't a single noise from the dummy phone, no sound of rummaging through drawers from the kitchen, and most importantly..

there's no sight of him anywhere.

"jaehyung?" i call, my heart starting to beat rapidly. the line between impossible and possible began to blur, and i couldn't help but think that he ran away.

no, he couldn't have. he doesn't even remember anything. even if i try to calm myself down, i couldn't. i just stand frozen in place, as my eyes frantically searches for him.

i fell to my knees as my breath shortens, my hands unconsciously clutching the fabric to my chest as i tried to catch all the heaved sighs. "no.. i didn't even apologize." i muttered, the sweat beads that were forming are now dripping down to my neck.

my hands fell from my chest to the floor, so i could catch my balance as my body began to fall heavy. not again, i thought it was gone, why is it back again?

did he really leave? just like that? although he has every right to do so, why does it make me so overwhelmed? i know i shouldn't feel like this, but everything around me is spinning and i can't breathe with all of the pressure from everything.