cabinet

twenty-nine.

day 17 with jaehyung
14:00

—

in such convenient timing, both wonpil and dowoon's internet died out as soon as i almost garnered the most important information.

i was told by sungjin to 'deal with it' and 'suck it up' because their internet connection isn't coming back anytime soon.

on the other hand, i'm in my room. being in fear is unlikely of me, i would leave the room to ease my anxiety out, but leaving my room racks it up till the roof. i'm scared of jaehyung, a boy who meant no harm, but i'm scared of him lashing out at me. i don't think i'm mentally prepared for it, yet.

but, what's he gonna lash out about? i have no actual reasons to be anxious.

trying to gather up my courage to leave the room, i paced around anxiously while thinking of words to muster out. should i call him hyung? no, maybe i was just high, i can't tell. i don't remember anything.

yeah, i was probably just high.

okay, here we go, twist the knob and nothing's gonna happen. jae's gonna look at you in silence then smile as if nothing happened.

before i knew it, my hands were already twisting the knob open, slowly pushing the door open. i peeked around, and no sight of jaehyung.

a sigh of relief comes out as i stepped out of the room, only for my breath to hitch as soon as jaehyung appears on the corner of my eye. he was just standing in the dark while he stared at me menacingly. "jesus fuck, i almost shit myself." i exclaim, my heart dropping at the sight.

a strikingly loud grumble comes out of the boy, "f..food, me hungry." his lips forms a pout, and his hand was already tugging on my shirt.

my eyeballs almost came out of its sockets when i glanced at the time; it's afternoon, and due to my cowardness, i made jaehyung miss his breakfast and lunch. way to go, younghyun, totally making the best out of his remaining time here.

"ah, shit, sorry. hold on, i got the burgers from last night—"

before i finished, he shakes his head quickly. "no.. not burger." he says.

then it flashes back to me, the burger sitting in my room was his, the one with the seeds picked out and the rest completely untouched. of course, it would mean one thing, he doesn't like burgers.

he seemed to struggle with himself, but managed to mumble, "pa..pancake."

"a..ah, pancake. you want me to make some?" i ask for assurance, but the truth is, i was as confused as he is. did last night really happen or was i really just high?

i see him nod slowly, looking into my eyes before he bit his lip down.

yeah, i was definitely high.

without realization, my heart was racing, i took a deep breath to calm myself. he's slightly getting better at being comprehensive, – which i'm glad about – but i was anxious he would..

wait, what am i anxious about?

am i scared he's gonna leave?

my brain feels clouded and so did my chest, while a lump in my throat grows and i can't seem to swallow it down. i'm not attached, and i will never be, as it could only bring harm to the poor boy.

i want to send him home as safe as possible, but a part of me doesn't want him to leave. why is this happening to me?

like the sunshine after a cloudy storm, a poke on my shoulder clears my thoughts away. it was jaehyung who watched me fall into a deep thought while standing in silence. i realize, "oh, right, the pancakes, right." i scurried ahead.

looking through the countertops, the shelves were empty, as always, but i'd have a stock of pancake boxes. i never eat pancakes, this is the only time i stocked up. the thing is, there isn't anything on the shelf. we'd have to go to the supermarket.

"oh.. there's no more."

"yep, there's no— wait, so you do know how to talk!" just by the second, i realize how comprehensive jaehyung is today, though it's nothing compared to what i could recall from last night.

i'm still not convinced i was dreaming, since i knew i passed out in that restaurant and there's no way he took me back home by himself. "do you remember anything?"

when i saw his face, he seemed to struggle with what to say. could it be that he was actually talking to me last night?

we stared at each other for as long as we can until he slowly turns his head down, "i– no.." he sighs out. "i.. i don't.. kno- know." his foot starts to tap as he bit his lip down.

he doesn't know but he... knows his cue to respond. that doesn't usually happen.

trying to keep myself together from having a meltdown, i ran a hand through my face and groaned out all the frustration i had from last night and today. something is building up in my chest and i don't know what it is, it's killing me.

"alright, you don't have to answer that question. just tell me how did you bring the both of us home?" i couldn't help it, whether he responds or not, i wanted to get the question out of my chest.

"i'm... i re— .." he sighs, it seems that he's still struggling to speak. "i re.. remember.. home. walking, not far."

"how.. how do you know that?"

he purses his lips, "when we le-left, i saw. home.. our home.. was not far."

the weight in my chest lifted, and for some reason, a tear in my eye starts to form, until it falls and more of them start to come out like a sink. i don't know what i'm feeling, but i knew that jaehyung is finally talking to me and i'm overjoyed. the feeling is overwhelming me to the point where i couldn't stop my tears.

he's getting comprehensive, finally.

"w-why.. are you.. you crying?" he asks, but i could only rest my head on his shoulder as i sobbed.

the days of anxiousness and feeling like i won't be able to progress with jaehyung was gone in a second, and i realize some things today; he wasn't stupid, he just forgot where he came from and what he was. time was all he needed for him to regain at least a fragment of what he knew before, and that was being comprehensive.

it's true, i almost gave up on him because i felt like i wasn't good enough to take care of him anymore. however, it was just a matter of trust. i was too focused on the boy being incapable that i forgot he used to be capable and that he can become again at any time.

from his hand patting my hair, i could feel his arms start to wrap around me, and i feel so much at comfort. this feeling was something i missed so much, and who would've thought that he would be the one to remind me of it?

at times like these, i would ask myself, why is this happening? why am i not the one comforting him instead? but now, all those unnecessary guilt isn't building up in my stomach anymore.

—

hi (: im slowly getting my motivation back

updates will still be slow though HAHA