cabinet

forty.

day 25 with jaehyung
18:24

four days.. four days left. the same phrase paced in my mind, and what seconds felt like years before had turned into a speed of light. everything feels too fast, it was just yesterday when i first had jaehyung at my doorstep.

i tried to not think so much about it, and even thought of going through lengths such as experimenting with all the drugs i have in store. i reminded myself that i can't get high when he's still around, so i managed to stop myself.

barely, i'm still fidgeting with the weed packet i took out. i shouldn't be hesitant about this, i even smoked this shit in front of him. yet, now, it feels so wrong to do it.

the door opens, of course, it's no one else but him. in a flash, i quickly hid the packet away before he enters the room. "hi." he greets.

"hey, you finally laid off on the tv." i snickered, and i could hear him chuckle as he sat down next to me on the desk where i work at.

"well.. you should, uhm, lay off the desk, too." he leans on the table with both of his forearms, his head facing the wall. while me, on the other hand, i fidget my fingers with the packet quietly. "nowadays you're always in this room, i don't see you come out anymore." his voice seemed sullen.

my eyes widen in realization, oh shit, he's right. now that i think about it, the most times i spend in a day is sitting in the living room with jaehyung, just watching the television while we munched on something. but now, i barely come out anymore, just like he said.

"really? should i start visiting you, then?" i joked, but truly, i'm questioning myself right now. sure, i do have to pack a lot to sell, but i've already packed everything a week ago. i feel like i'm unconsciously caging myself in this room, but why?

thankfully, jaehyung doesn't seem to notice me ponder as he was busy being occupied with the pen on the table. "visiting me? in the living room?" he laughs, "you say it like we live separately."

i paused, and he seems to freeze on the spot as well as he caught his breath right after he spoke. i realize, even if i did tell him that he came to my doorstep in a box, he doesn't know the reason why at all.

it's silent, our conversations always fall silent but it's never like this. it feels like we're both at chokehold and we just can't say anything because we're too confused on what to say.

and as always, he ends up being the one to bring back the conversation. "you know.. what i'm thinking too, right?" he asks, but his head doesn't face me. his eyes were just widened as he stops playing with the pen.

"i guess." i responded.

"i don't live here, you're just keeping me in."

that sentence alone made my heart drop, it's the truth, but it hurts to hear it. especially when it's coming from him. "you.. you're keeping me because you're obligated to." he continues, and it all feels like daggers shooting at every weak point of my body.

he faces me, yet i turned away in hesitation. "i don't remember.. anything yet." he says, "and i'm.. just starting to remember.. how to know what i– i should feel and why i'm feeling like this."

"but.. i'm confused."

the weight in my heart lifted a little, but i couldn't look at him yet.

"i feel upset, but i'm glad.. because you kept me, even if you had all the chances to th-throw me out." his breath hitches at the last sentence.

still, my eyes refused to lift. i knew to myself that my tongue is being caught by the weight of my guilt i've surpressed, just so that jaehyung doesn't feel bad about being here. it seems that it was futile and in this moment, all i could do is cower away from him in shame.

i'm a fucking pussy, i admit it. i may have the balls to be a felon but i don't have one to see the jaehyung i dreaded the most; the one that would hate me with every inch of his body.

"did you ever care about me..?"

now that i realize, all the things i've done for him out of anxiousness, they were steps for me to become more attached to him. i was too scared to see that.. and it was all because i didn't want to lose him.

it's selfish that i'm attached to him so much, to the point where i don't want him to leave anymore. even if the words he's saying right now are sharp like knives, i'd stagger in pain to hold his leg desperately, before he could even step a foot out of the door.

i want him to stay.

yet, everything i did for him, it turns out i was just doing it for myself.

so that he doesn't hate me.

so that.. he'll end up wanting to stay with me.

"no." i broke the silence.

—

nov 14: short chapter and kinda confusing.. idk c:

mar 1: I FORGOT TO UPDATE AGAIN OMG

mar 8: also sungjin enlisted!? so proud of him i hope he stays healthy

mar 10: forgot to update again n i put the dates on the notes i made so u can see how bad my memory is omfg help im sorry i made u all wait for a SHORT CHAPTER