Our Addiction || Draco Malfoy x Reader

falling apart with guilt

Y/n pov:

     It's the same schedule for these two weeks. I haven't said a word to any of them since Theo and Blaise barged into my room and supposedly took the journal. So everyday I wake up late and head to my class without breakfast; I can handle waiting for food until lunch I tell myself. It's easier then sitting at the empty spot next to all of them.

After my classes I go back to my dorm. I read, I stare at the necklace he gave me that lays on my bedside, and I write letters. Mostly to Fred and George but sometimes just to myself. It helps me talk my way through everything that I suddenly know.

I burn those as soon kinds as I'm done.

The guilts eats away at me the most. I talk to Harry,  Hermione, and Ron just like before. I'm just like how I was before this year, quiet. Harry has pulled me aside at night asking if I found anything out about Draco. I always shake my head no, that I've barely even talked to Blaise since we got back.

I don't even have a good excuse. I can tell he's growing frustrated with me. I only hope he doesn't think that I stopped talking to them to not get information. It's terrible that I'm constantly lying to the people I call my friends.

I can't even sit with my thoughts anymore. Everyday it burns more and more, Hogwarts is doomed if I don't tell anyone. I need to tell someone. I can save Hogwarts to be able to stop all of this. I know what Draco has disappeared to do everyday.

He's going to let them in. We're doomed.

Why am I so stupid? The answer is clear and right in front of me but I can't betray them. Even though they did the same to me.

Every time I find myself walking to Dumbledore's office to figure out words when the guilt hurts the most. I somehow find my self passing one of them. Once it was Theo with Pansy walking behind him in a huff with her face beat red. Theo pretended she wasn't even there.

The other time was Blaise. He was talking quietly to Luna Lovegood. He stood over her nervously but as soon as he saw me his face went blank. He handed Luna a letter addressed to George Weasley and turned away.

I didn't even know what to think. I want to be happy they are talking, I do. But I can't. George doesn't know. So instead of continuing to Dumbledore I walked back to my dorm and cried. Even George mentioned him in a letter to me. I want to scream at him. Scream that it isn't worth it. I want to scream all of the lies that echo throughout my head on a replay.

But instead I let the cut worsen, deepen into my skin. I can't scream, even though they have all left me surprisingly alone with all of this in my head. I feel trapped.

Draco barely shows up to class. I suppose it's the best for us. Every time I see him I hear his voice telling me he loves me. I hear his voice telling me he likes me as he plays with my hair; when he told me to keep quiet as we sneak to the elves for food, or I'm hearing the same shower water hitting ground as he washes my hair.

Everything reminds me of him. Everyone somehow reminds me of all of this.

I don't pick up Fred's present anymore. All of the once happy memories hurt even more. Why must it do that? 

~~~~~~

Why do my days feel as if they are slipping away if hours in class drag on?

 Blaise pretends he isn't staring at me even though I feel his eyes on me. I stare at the table as Hermione scrabbles with her quill to keep track with notes.

I want him to stop staring. I want him to stop. I want to go back to what it used to be like. Before I was even in this mess. I would rather go back to when the only words that came out of Draco's mouth weren't "I love you". 

As much as I hate to say it I don't like this Draco. I wish he never softened up. I wish I never gone on all of those stupid adventures with him through the halls or staring out into the pitch black lake as his hand slowly inched towards mine awkwardly. Even when he shoved me into an empty classroom just to tease me. 

Maybe he was right. What if I've never been the type of girl to have a whole relationship based on a secret? Maybe he wasn't just talking about the not being able to handhold in public kind of secret. He was talking about the part where he's just been going to meetings to plan how he will kill us. 

Even if he didn't want it to happen, I have a right to be like this. 

He placed his hands on me everywhere and I let him. Draco is so important to me. 

What if those same hands take away my life? The fact that that could really be true physically pains me. 

Once I can't handle it I look up at Blaise, staring back for a moment. I whisper for the first time in two weeks, "Are you going to keep staring, Zabini, or is there something you need?"

.

"Are you going to keep staring, Zabini, or is there something you need?"

"Oh, I don't need anything. Staring is fine, I mean might as well. The view is beautiful over here." He whispers and looks back down to his blank parchment.

"Have you been staring this whole time or do you need help with this lesson?" I whisper back, as a smile and blush creeps onto my face slowly.

Draco's eyes fall on me. Only making the need to make him madder, for some reason.

"Actually, I've been pretty confused with the last couple lessons," he looks me in the eyes, and laughs knowing we have only been back for two days.

.

My eyes fall to his blank paper. 

This is so fucking stupid. I don't understand why I can't get over any of them. I barely even knew them for seven months. Why does this hurt so bad. 

Blaise smiles sadly and looks to Hermione to my right and then the empty chair to my left. Draco should be sitting there. 

"I've been pretty confused on the last couple of lessons," He says slowly also remembering when this whole thing started. I mean, that night was the the night Draco kissed me for the first time in the astronomy tower. 

Snape whips his head to see who's talking but retreats after seeing it was only Blaise. 

Hermione lifts her eyebrows but doesn't look up to him, "I can see. If you're done staring at Y/n could you kindly turn back around please?" 

Both Blaise and I's faces turn to her in shock. I tighten my lips and give her a smile. Blaise shrugs his shoulders as if he was giving up and turns back to the front of the classroom. Why did I want him to turn back around? As much as all of this hurts I want to be able to talk to him, I want to see his smile again. 

Unfortunately, I don't say anything more. Whether it scares me or I don't even know what I would say I settle into my chair. It doesn't last for long. Just as Hermione starts harassing me to pay attention the classroom door opens. 

"I've been forced to go back to classes. Or this class at least." Draco states behind me lowly. 

I almost jump up from my seat. Is he talking to me? He slips into the seat and it felt as if for the first time in a while I get a look at him. His robes are wrinkled and his white collar sits up. Draco's hair sits unbrushed and over his eyes. 

I don't want to look away. I would do anything to not look away. 

I part my lips but nothing leaves my mouth except a squeak. I clasp my hand over my mouth. 

He turns his head to me confused and I realize he had said that to Blaise. 

Oh fuck me. 

What am I thinking? Why in the hell would I almost say something to him?

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WE HIT 11K READS AND WE WERE AT 10K YESTERDAY THATS CRAZY 

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