Our Addiction || Draco Malfoy x Reader

betraying

Draco pov:

    It's becoming an ongoing thing this past week since I returned to Defence of the Dark Arts and other classes I have with Y/n to both stare at each other until the other notices. It happens over and over only letting our eyes overlap once.

First it was me when I first showed up again. I thought she was about to speak to me and it shocked me as I thought I heard her say something but she didn't.

Both of us know we must not even dare to speak a single word that is more of bitter muttering I would give her before all of this. Even if we could find a time to sneak away from Pansy, who was stuck to my hip it not busy trying to get Theo to speak a word to her, I wouldn't know what to say.

I couldn't just tell her sorry. I can't even let those words process through my head, even if it's true.

I hadn't asked to become a death eater.

Just like I hadn't asked to fall in love with the muggle born Slytherin.

Since I know how she is, it's going to take a while if I'm just waiting to her to pull me along the side to sneak away to talk. I'm going to have to, if it'll happen at all.

I was the one to crawl back before anyways and look how that turned out. This is what was supposed to happen, what was I supposed to expect? Us ending on good terms felt completely out of the picture. Do I just leave it alone, no matter how much it hurts?

I stare back down at my journal that sits on my bed. I took away the thing that held my deepest darkest secrets. The thing that held things I wouldn't ever admit to myself. The one thing I had never wrote in it was how I felt for her actually. How much she drove me insane.

God, her smile.

I never knew how to put it into words. Or even admit to myself how much I'm really in love with her.

It felt like I was when I was together with her but when she left, I was never so sure. As soon as I realized it was too late.

And accepting that she really is out of life life doesn't compare to the guilt from the look on her face. She's afraid of me. Afraid of all of us. When we were together, sometimes it felt as if it didn't matter. I could only see an imaginary future together that could never be possible. As if the mark is only a bad muggle tattoo I got as a teenager that I would then regret.

That we could laugh about like it never meant what it means to the wizarding world.

Growing up I would have been proud to see myself with it but then it happened. My world full of imaginary imagines of my family crashed onto the ground leaving bits and pieces of past self with it. Before then no matter what my father did I respected him. I was proud to be a Malfoy.

Now I can't look at him.

My childhood feels gross to think about. How the innocence just completely skipped over how scared I was. How my future of all of this was planned out with no mentions of Y/n ruining this for my family.

For fucking Voldermort.

I can barely work on the cabinet for more than five minutes without throwing up dinner or lunch. It would be breakfast too if I could bring myself back to the table with the chance Y/n could be there. Blaise told me she never comes but I could careless. I can't do that to her if she ever showed up.

So I skip breakfast and have Blaise bring me up dinner, just as he did to Y/n.

It's funny. I never pictured my father sending Theo and I to drug a woman for information, or drug anyone in general.