Our Addiction || Draco Malfoy x Reader

overbearing weight

TW: suicidal thoughts

     My arms shiver. My bare feet ache with small cuts of glass digging deeper and deeper into my skin with every step I take around the dark halls. The stuffing and pink fur pieces all sit in my hands with Draco's necklace around my neck.

The necklace only seemed to add fifty pounds around my neck.

To be honest I don't know where I'm heading. Or where I thought I would go after staring down at both the necklace and Fred's present. Going to Gryffindor doesn't seem right. But neither does heading back into Draco's dorm. I'm alone again.

I don't belong to the Golden trio or to my Slytherin boys.

The feeling I get after crying makes me feel stupid. It has me questioning if I'm insane and just ends up making me feel numb. I destroyed the present that brought me back to the best memories.

But are they even good memories anymore? They don't feel like good memories. It only reminds me of something I won't ever be able to return to. I would say I was dumb then but right now I don't feel any smarter. I was necessarily happier, I was naive. Unaware that the people I was laughing with then might not have any much for of a future. I mean, how much longer do we all have? A year? A month?

How much longer until my shoulders are crushed by the weight of everyone's secrets?

Muggles call it survivor's guilt.

Draco said they will all do whatever it takes to keep me alive. But is that what I want?

I can't even handle todays secrets. What about tomorrow's? Or the week after that? How can I possibly handle watching everyone I've grown up with die?

Not to mention I'll watch them die while in the enemy's arms.

Even though right now, I would do anything to be able to forget and let Draco hold me. But I can't have him hold me as he shoots out unforgivable curses at people that have smiled at me, or maybe I've once done a group project with.

What's the point of winning the war if they die anyways?

What's the point of continuing even though I have no control over myself?

What's the point of anything if I'm alone once again?

I think the reason I had left with the pieces is to go to Hermione. I know it's fixable. My brain couldn't seem to rack up any spells that would even turn on the lights. But I don't want any of them to see this mess.

It's embarrassing.

The dark hallways turn into creaky stair steps. I run my fingertips around the freezing stone walls with moss slowing growing over everything creating a damp feeling. I hear the howl of the wind against a wood door as my feet reach the final steps. I push the door open to the part of the astronomy tower that lays under everything.

I cough from the dust and fan the mucky air in front of me. I walk next to storage boxes not bothering to drag my feet away from any other glass and find myself again on more stairs.

The top of the Astronomy tower.

The air is cold against my skin. I breath in deeply and find myself walking closer to the balcony.

What's the point?

I tighten my fists letting small bits of stuffing fall to the ground. When I reach the bar of the Astronomy tower I find my hands completely let go of what was once was a beanie baby, a gift, blow away in the wind.