nihilism (miya chinen x reader)

FUCK/// CHAPTER TWO

note- anything written like this will represent a memory/ flashback.

WARNING- THIS CHAPTER HAS SOME DEPRESSING THEMES. PLEASE REACH OUT TO SOMEONE IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH THE THINGS MENTIONED IN THE CHAPTER.

you wandered in the halls for a good 5 minutes before finally finding your class. you hesitantly walked in.

ah, mrs. hina. you hadn't bothered to look at the class, you had just scanned over the room number before lazily shoving the schedule into your pocket.

"ah! l/n-san, welcome!"

"hello, mrs. hina."

"how about you introduce yourself to the class, i know you aren't new to school, but, you are new to this class!"

you carefully walked next to where mrs. hina stood, doing your best to seem like you were happy to be in their class.

"hello, my names l/n  y/n, you can refer to me however you'd like. please take care of me."

you slightly bowed before turning to mrs. hina.

"thank you, dear. now, let's see, there's an open seat next to chinen-san."

you turned back to the class, not really sure who that was. luckily, a boy in the back of the class slightly raised his hand, with a small wave before putting it back down. wanting to be polite you sent him a small smile before walking to take your seat next to him. you didn't fail to notice all the stares you got from the class, the boy, however, seemed rather uninterested.

as soon as you sat down, the teacher continued talking, who knows what about. well, you would know, but you didn't really care. instead you just stared up at the ceiling. math was never your best subject, then again, nothing was. well, that's not completely true, you used to be a top student. all a's, everyone absolutely adored you.

your dad looked down at a 3rd grade you before turning back to your report card, a small frown on his face.

"a 91?"

you just stared at him.

"it- it's an a..? i.. thought you'd be happy!"

he shook his head.

"i'm disappointed, it's an a MINUS, y/n. you need to work on getting this grade up."

after that, you definitely overworked yourself, desperate to make him proud. yet, no matter how hard you tried, he still expected better. so you gave up. you stopped trying. you failed school, everyone started telling you how disappointed they were in you. you were too tired to get out of bed. that effected your social life as well. your friends left you, claiming you didn't care about them. there was no point in trying to get them to stay, so you didn't. you didn't want to go to school, you didn't want to talk to people, and the more shut in you got, the less you wanted to even live at all. your best wasn't good enough. at least, if you didn't try at all, then you could pretend it was. you didn't fail because you couldn't have passed, you simply didn't try. you seemed to have found comfort in lying to yourself. after that, you started hurting yourself every chance you got. it really was a miracle you were still alive, jumping in front of cars or off bridges or what not. everything seemed to get worse from there. you knew it was your fault, but taking the blame seemed to difficult to do. oh well, one of your attempt had to work eventually, so nothing really mattered. everyone was going to die, you weren't really sure why ANYTHING mattered to ANYONE.

"hello? l/n-san?"

you snapped out of your trance, your head flying to look in front of you.

you had recognized it as chinen-san, that had been his name right?

"oh! hello!"

you sent him a closed eye smile, which seemed to confuse him.

"class already ended, you should really get to your next class."

"ah! thank you, chinen-san."

with that, you stood up and left, not caring if he had anything else to say or not.

{~~timeskip~~}

the next few classes had been pretty uneventful, you were, surprisingly enough, able to find your classes pretty quickly. you hadn't you payed attention in any of your classes, which had somehow gone pretty smoothly. but, what came next was definitely going to be the most terrifying time of the day

lunchtime.

at first you were worried you wouldn't have anyone to sit with, but luckily you remembered you could sit in the library. you'd still probably be alone, but that didn't matter. it's a lot harder to be alone when the people around you aren't. besides, i didn't really want anyone to pity me.

i made my way to the library, as quickly as possible. i hadn't brought a lunch, eating in front of other people tended to make me uncomfortable. walking into the library, i smiled.

empty.

just how i wanted it.

you walked around, trying to pick out a good book to read. it was empty in there, the librarian wasn't even in the room. you just assumed she was at lunch. wandering around, a certain book caught your eye.

they both die in the end

you hummed before pulling it off the shelf, scanning the back. seemed interesting enough. you shrugged before picking a seat new a window, sitting down. you began reading, definitely intrigued by the title. a few minutes passed before you heard the door to the library open, slightly jumping at the sudden noise. you turning your head to see who it was, not even bothering to try to be discreet.

chinen-san?