Between Shades of Gray

I

Los Angeles, California.
My dream city.

Finally, I am free to do whatever I want, to explore other things in my life that I still can't figure out back in Korea.

I've always wanted to go here. I've always wanted to live here. This is for me, the best place a confused woman could live.

No more judging looks.

No more insecurities.

No more close-minded people.

Freedom and Acceptance.

That is all I ever wanted.

But living alone in an unknown territory made me realize how lonely I was.

My lovelife was non-existent for the moment because I chose it to be. I want to be single for a while. I want to take control of my life once again. I was so exhausted with other people manipulating my life. I've just had enough.

Back in Seoul, I was supposed to marry this guy that my parents wanted me to marry.

Kwon Ji-yong.

I tried, heaven knows how I've tried to love him and ignore my true color for a while. My mom always tells me that I could love him in the future, that a girl's heart is easier to melt. But that's not the case, well atleast for me.

I never loved him. I can't love him.

I know I am kind of bisexual because I dated guys and women too, but men didn't have that much of an effect on melted my heart like women do. Sometimes I think too much about my sexuality, my friends told me that I'm bisexual I am not that sure. I don't really know.

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like if I'm a normal straight person. At least I can save time with confusion.

By the way, allow me to introduce my self, I am Jennie Kim, an intern doctor, with so much passion in photography, and trying my best to find a place where I can feel that I belong.

"Come on, Jendeukie! You know you're a gay, deep inside I know you agree with me... So why not try to date girls there?"

My friend Dinah Jane, whom I am having conversation through FaceTime, tells me.

I rolled my eyes and I made sure she saw it.

"Well I don't have any friends here, remember? How am I supposed to go in a bar alone? If you're here, life would be so much different. You know, I don't understand why a Korean like me wants to live in Cali and a Cali girl like you wants to get away from The Golden State." I told her.

She is in UK right now, working as a nurse. I was a nurse too but I decided to pursue my dream as a doctor here in the US. But I never expected that this will exhaust me to the fullest.

"Well, a dollar became lighter in my pocket so better to make some pound sterling, baby! But don't you worry girl, we will rock LA together before you know it." she said giggling.

"Hell yeah!"

"Seriously though, I think you would be happier with a woman. Just saying."

"I don't know D. It's just that, I'm scared of commitment, you know exactly why. I'm starting to love my freedom here."

"Well, you can have all the girls you want there. I'm sure they all want hot steamy sex with you. Gay bars are everywhere you know." She said, clearly teasing.

"Whoaa. Hold up. I'm not THAT girl and you know that. I mean, I am extremely shy, I don't even know how to start a conversation."

"That's the thing, Jen. You're in LA now, nobody knows you. For a second, try to be the flirty type of girl. Be free. Be flirty and naughty." She said, winking at me.