Between Shades of Gray

XIV

My eyes feel sore when I tried to open them. I slept in tears last night; I didn't even bother to change my clothes. I was so heartbroken and now that I'm awake, I feel the same; still broken. I want to go to sleep again. Sleep is the only solution that can make my heart forget.

To forget the pain I feel.

But a knock on the door made my head swirl. I feel lightheaded maybe because of the crying I did the whole night and obviously, a lack of sleep from our long flight from Japan back here in LA.

"Lili, are you awake? I made you breakfast." Jennie's soft voice rings into my ears. Oh my God.

I bit my lip to prevent me from responding. I don't want to see her now. Not today.

"Can I come in? Please..."

Tears are threatening to spill again and so I tried so hard to control them.

"I won't leave here until you let me come in. I know you're awake. Please Lisa, I want to know what's wrong. You seem different last night." She said softly, her voice begging.

I swallow hard. I want to shout at her face and tell her that I'm hopelessly in love with her, but I can't. Now that Rosé is in the picture.

Rosé. Her perfect girl.

To be perfectly honest with myself? When I saw them together, kissing last night, it just clicked. I am so convinced that they are made for each other.

They are perfect for each other.

While me? The well-known notorious playgirl that broke so many hearts. The fucked up Lalisa Manoban.

I couldn't even compare myself with Rosé. I'd be totally knockout if it's a boxing match. I couldn't even pass the first round. That's how badly I am for Jennie. And that's how perfect Rosé is for her.

Unknowingly to Jennie, I had my research about Rosé. I told Hans to gather me some information about her the first time Rosé's name pops up in our conversation. I already know that time that Jennie liked her, she just oblivious of her feelings but it's only a matter of time until she recognize it and I'm right.

*Flashback*

"Who is pretty?" I ask.

"Oh. Rosé. The Head Nurse in the Pediatric Unit." Jennie answered and I saw how wide Jisoo unnie's smile is.

"The girl has a crush on her. Massive crush, I say."

"She is nice." Jennie adds, I notice her blushing so I furrow my eyebrows.

"I bet she's boring." I retort.

"No she's not." Jisoo defends.

"In fact, Jennie and Rosé can make a great pair." She said, still with a wide smile on her face.

"Well then, I should meet her." I said, "I want to see her for myself."

*End of Flashback*

I told myself at that time that I was just protecting Jennie from an unknown girl. I was being an overprotective sister at that time. The reason why I tried to become friends with Jennie before is that I saw Bambam in her.

When the fate played its card on us back in the day when I thought I won't see her again and it turned out that she's with Jisoo attending my Dad, when Jennie wasn't like the girl I just met in the bar, the girl I slept with and became the professional intern doctor in our hospital, and when she starts to talk in a professional tone. I remember staring at her that somehow I felt that I was staring at my deceased twin brother. Not that they look like each other. It's just that Bambam is a medical student just like her. And I felt that I was transported at the time that I watch him study medical terms. So Jennie speaking about medical terms gave me goose bumps.

I want to be given a second chance to protect Bam even if it's not him. Jennie and Bam are so much alike in so many ways. So I tried to teach her what I haven't taught my brother. Thus protecting her from any heartbreak. And so, I made an investigation.

But Rosé was the perfect girl, I really thought that they would hit it off right there but then she was out of the picture when Jennie became the Sex Goddess in the hospital. A part of me was proud of what she had become, but the other part was feeling something. Something that I couldn't quite understand. Something deep but I ignored it at that time, because she promised me I am her first priority so I was satisfied.

While I protect and took care of Bam for a long time, Jennie was the one taking care of me this time. I felt very dependent towards her and as much as I hate being sick, I started to love it because it means that her attention will be all mine.

"Lisa... Are you okay there?" Jennie's voice cut my reverie.

"I'm going to come in, with or without your permission. I'm so worried now!"

Knowing Jennie, this is not the time to make excuses, she will definitely push the door no matter what the cost. So I stand up, look at myself in the mirror and curse myself for being so obvious. My eyes are red.

Crap!

I don't have any choice but to open the door. So I open it.

"Oh my God Lisa! What- Why- You look like crap! What happened?!" She steps inside my room and cup my cheeks. She stares at me and I was mesmerized by those eyes again. Like always.

"I- I wasn't feeling well. I have a very bad headache last night-" I lied. She motions for me to sit down.

"Why didn't you tell me? I should have taken care of you." She furrows her eyebrows at me. I look away. I can't look at her right now, I'm afraid that I can't hold my tears this time and I can't think of better reason to tell her why I'm crying.

"I'm fine. This is just maybe Jet Lag or something. My eyes are sore and-"

"You eyes are sore. You have conjunctivitis. Let's go to the hospital and-" she said panicking.

"I'm fine, Nini. I am just tired and I want to rest."

But honestly, I don't want to go to the hospital. I might see Rosé there. I can't handle seeing them together. For now.

"Okay." She said as she caresses my hair. She cups my chin that made me look at her. For a split second, my eyes gazes on her lips.

God, I want to kiss those lips.

"I'll take care of you here. Is that okay? Do you want me to take care of you?"

I nod my head in defeat. I'm a sucker for her attention. Even if my heart is still breaking, everything will be alright as long as she is here with me.

And so, I throw myself at her arms. I hug her so tightly. My heart is breaking because yes, I can hold her like this. But I can't have her heart anymore.

"I miss you. I really miss you." I said softly.

I felt her lips on the top of my head.

"I miss you too, Lili. I really do."

With that, a smile was formed on my lips.

I can only be satisfied with this.

Jennie loves me. But I am madly in love with her without her knowing.

Tears are threatening to spill again, but I controlled myself. I won't let my love ruin everything for us. I will still be her bestfriend as long as I have her in my life and that's okay.

I know that being stuck in the friend zone means that I'm going to listen to her unending feelings with Rosé. I better prepare my heart when that time comes.

But for now, I have Jennie to myself the whole day. I would let myself enjoy the feeling of her arms around me.

For now.