Insanity Descent

Something Doesn't Line Up

Uhhhh-

For a couple weeks now I've been like massive paranoid and seeing things but the problem is...

I'm not having a depressive OR manic episode... nor am I having a mixed episode.

I'm showing a few depressive tendencies, but I'm not actually having an episode. Plus, the tendencies I'm showing can apparently be considered psychotic symptoms {I have some pretty shit motivation and I'm struggling to keep up with my personal hygiene}.

Why is this a problem?

Well, in bipolar with psychotic features {aka my diagnosis} that shouldn't happen. If somebody is experiencing psychotic symptoms it should be exclusively DURING an episode.

This is OUTSIDE of an episode, and it's persisting. Last night it possibly reached its peak when I was convinced my cat was possessed by a demon, and when I started hallucinating that where her eyes should've been there was empty space it didn't really help. Of course, the poor lighting probably also aided my hallucination in occurring. I was convinced that in order to keep myself safe I had to kill my cat, but I didn't want to kill her so I just kept shoving her away from me. Poor kitty probably just wanted me to pet her...

I eventually passed out because I was so tired, and when I woke up I was mentally 'clear' {which isn't too weird, my psychotic symptoms tend to get worse at night, possibly because I'm already afraid during nighttime}.

Similar things have happened during the past couple weeks, they're just getting worse in severity as time goes on and I'm worried because:

1. This HEAVILY implies it's not bipolar, but possibly something like schizoaffective disorder {I'd need a professional opinion on that} because I'm not having a mood episode

2. What if my symptoms keep getting so bad so quickly and I suffer a complete episode of psychosis?

3. What if my fear becomes so great I do more harm than shoving others away because I'm afraid they're out to hurt me?

4. I don't even know if myself or other people are safe in my presence right now, and that's immediate terms for hospitalization... But I can't afford the time away from school and nor can I afford all the yelling from my dad getting pissed off, so I can't tell any professionals about it

5. What am I supposed to do...?

I really hope this disaster goes away soon because I don't have the energy to deal with it right now...