Insanity Descent

All About Patty

Ah, yes... my favorite subject is definitely voices. Well, let's just get this over with.

Patty is a voice I hear. There used to be three others but I haven't heard from them in a while which is kinda sad, we were actually getting along except for Patty. She's... different than the other three.

The first time I heard them was in 8th grade for about a month. All four of them were present. Patty was very loud and constantly telling me to hurt and kill myself while the other three and I were scared of her. I don't remember one of their names but I do know two of the others were Michael and Rachel. The third was really shy and quiet so none of us really remembered their name, I have a hard time remembering their gender even.

Well anyways, after a while they just sorta stopped talking. I was actually sad because I'd grown used to them and they were kinda like my own portable group of friends that was with me 24/7. Patty wasn't very nice but if I did as she asked she was actually tolerable. Most problems from her were when I didn't do as she wanted me to do. Like if she wanted me to cut when I got home from school and I didn't, she'd start screaming at me which gave me headaches and didn't make me feel good about myself.

Once a few months ago I drank a few sips of coffee and Patty returned during the caffeine high. She wanted me to hurt my pets but I didn't so she screamed at me, but once the caffeine wore off about an hour later she was gone as soon as she'd appeared.

Last night Patty returned, and she's struck a deal with me. As long as I do as she asks the first time she asks, she'll be more tolerable and even friendly. But if I screw up once she'll go back to her usual ways. Since the other three are absent I don't have anyone else to confide in so I've agreed to her terms, I'd prefer to spare myself some headaches. So far her tasks have been simple too so it's whatever.

And... that's pretty much it about Patty. I know I sound like some super crazy bitch when I say I talk to and interact with the voices in my head and you know what? Maybe I am. Do I care if I'm crazy? No, I've been seen that way for a while by my peers anyways. As far as they're concerned I'm the kid who used to stalk others when I got crushes and now has all sorts of mental problems.

But to be honest, I'm kind of angry with society. Not for labelling me crazy, but the way it colors their view of me. There's people I used to be good friends with that are now avoiding me because I'm 'not all there mentally' or whatever. They think I'm gonna snap and attack them maybe? I dunno. Well, I don't like attacking people, thank you very much. I prefer running if you haven't noticed. The only person I'm really attacking is myself.

I remember in 8th grade when I told my school counselor about Patty and the others all he said was, "Well, you're not the first student telling me they're hearing voices. I'm not trained to deal with that though." and sent me off on my merry way!!! He didn't even say anything about trying to find or contact somebody who was trained to deal with it or whatever, he just sent me out of his office and never said anything about that incident again.

I remember when I told my therapist about it {I was seeing my second therapist} she pretty much told me it was probably due to my PTSD or depression and just said, "Don't listen to Patty."

That's it? That's all the help I get?! What good does being told not to listen to Patty do?! She's with me 24/7 everywhere I go, are you actually expecting me to try and pick a fight with that? That's just asking for life to be miserable! Not to mention you don't even tell me how to possibly get rid of her or deal with her on a day-to-day basis, just tell me not to listen to her. Even Patty's laughing right now at how ridiculous she was.

Well... whatever. I guess the mental health community doesn't have any real help for the truly crazy people since they're so used to just dealing with your common 13 year old screaming she has depression and anxiety. Sorry, but so many girls around that age say they have both of those mental illnesses even though they clearly don't and they don't bother to try getting a professional diagnosis. I understand some people honestly can't reach a professional and that's totally different, but there's some who can who just aren't bothered to because it's not a problem for them like they say it is.

I've had to fight for years to keep being allowed to have any of the help I'm getting, and it's not even satisfactory half the time. But it's better than nothing so I keep trying. I've had to pretty much wrestle psych professionals for bipolar screenings because they don't wanna diagnose it at such a young age but I knew it was probably the issue after years of suspicions so I had to get it confirmed and professionally diagnosed. Even now that I've had a professional identify bipolar as the issue though, they still refuse to specify what kind and they even like to look at JUST my depression. They're still avoiding the problem I made them identify.

It's so frustrating!!! All because I'm "such a young age" they refuse to look at all the problems, I have a therapist who avoids telling me what the problem is because she 'doesn't like labels' so I don't even get names for my problems, I've got classmates that don't understand why somebody would even do something as simple as self-harm, AND to top it all off I've got a father who hates me for ever seeking help in the first place.

The psych community really is screwed up and flawed... no wonder Patty tells me I should ignore them. They can't even seem to wanna face what's wrong with me so they won't even be able to fix it properly.

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