Insanity Descent

Let Me Catch Up First

Because of slow internet I wasn't able to access the materials required to do my homework in a reasonable amount of time {I'm talking up to 10 hours for one video}, but now that I got my work in physical copies I'm able to access it much easier and I was able to do more than 1 assignment in an entire fucking day!

I spent roughly 3-4 hours today catching up on nearly a month of work for two of my classes, and I was going to also do a third class but there were some... technical difficulties with the flash drive my teacher provided that has video lectures {I won't get into details here, but we're working on fixing it}.

My dad also yelled at me because I didn't mow the lawn today. Bitch, excuse you, I'm nearly a month behind in ALL of my classes and I JUST got the opportunity to fairly participate! Don't even start by saying I'm doing it "last minute" because I didn't do it yesterday, either. Doing it the day before or even the day my teacher's gonna come back to our house to collect homework would be last minute because that's technically my due date. I literally took ONE day off {a Saturday too, mind you, and almost nobody does homework on a Saturday, me included} before cracking down and getting to work. And no, I wasn't sitting on my ass for the past month disregarding my homework. I was sitting at my computer for several hours a day waiting for stuff to open and load before only completing one assignment and even though I'd start around 10-11 AM and would be productive the entire time it would be around 5-7 PM after I did ONE thing so I'd give up for the day.

After all that time I only did ONE thing?! That makes me feel unmotivated and I start wondering if I'm just a slow, inefficient dumbass. I hold myself to a VERY high standard when it comes to school, and part of that is if I don't do an assignment in about 15 minutes I scold myself for taking so long. I know it sounds unrealistic, but I actually usually do things in that amount of time unless it's a project or just a bigger assignment.

Unless either of those is true, if I took longer it probably means I had to review my notes, I was slow to recall something, or I had to ask a question. I fully acknowledge without doing those you won't properly learn, but I always feel like I've somehow made an error if I have to. It feels like a disgrace for me to not know something or to take a while to recall something. I know I'm a human and I can't know everything, but it still doesn't take away that irrational and impossible goal that I should learn everything the first time through and learn it well, especially since that usually is the case whenever I'm in class.

Knowing that about how much doing things in a short time span really influences my confidence in my knowledge, you can imagine what kind of toll chronically taking hours to do ONE assignment and not being able to make things go faster would have on me. I know why it took so long, but it doesn't change the fact I still feel like I've somehow failed on an intellectual level. I know my slow internet speed is the problem, but I still feel like it's me and I feel terrible for it. I feel like I should be able to complete my work faster and when I can't I start beating myself up for it.

Once missing assignments start piling up, it makes me feel even more useless because if my best efforts aren't enough it IS my fault. It means I'm useless. It doesn't mean I tried hard and that's what matters because even if I can't do better the job still has to get done. Just because I'm physically incapable of doing it doesn't mean it doesn't need to get done anymore. Think about it this way: if you're alone and you need to lift a really heavy box but you can't because you're not strong enough, you're not gonna pat your back and say that you tried and that's all that mattered. You're gonna keep trying and trying because you need to pick up that box and carry it, and nobody can do it for you. You try pushing and pulling the box, everything, but it barely moves an inch. You keep trying this for days on end, barely inching it and the place you need to take it to keeps getting moved further and further away. You need to go MILES and you can barely move this box a few inches in a day. There is no, "You did your best." There's just a feeling of uselessness.

Interestingly enough, now that I don't have to wait for stuff to open and load because I have physical copies of everything, I was able to get several assignments done in a MUCH shorter span of time {and a very reasonable time- though not my perfectly ideal time it was reasonable}. I think that shows it's not me being lazy or unproductive, it's the accessibility that's the issue.

So go ahead, yell at me for not mowing your fucking lawn, I still won't mow it until I'm caught up in my classes. I know it'll only take half an hour to mow the lawn, but I wanna get caught up in my classes first. I don't think that should be too much to ask considering it's not like the world will end if I mow the lawn a day or two later than what my dad would ideally like me to do in a perfect world. I looked outside, the grass isn't THAT tall. It's not urgent while my homework is a higher priority for me because if I don't do it I will fail all of my classes. If I fail my classes, guess who can't get into a good college and hurts their chances of a good job?

I get that it will take MUCH longer for me to do my homework than to mow the lawn as well, but the point isn't that it's more practical to do my homework first, it's that it's more important. On the other hand, if I start taking weeks to catch up, I might wanna take a break and go mow the lawn because that grass will actually become a safety hazard {it gives a hiding place for bugs which could pose various threats and tall grass is easy to trip in} and it will probably be more important than my homework at that point. Right now, it's just a little taller than what my dad would like. I'm a MONTH behind in my homework- I think that clearly needs to be given attention first.

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