Insanity Descent

Bipolar Sexualization

Oh my fucking god-

Somebody on Wattpad sexualized bipolar disorder on MY book. I'm going to leave them anonymous but what the fuck?!

I wrote a Shuichi lemon on my oneshots book a while back {for those of you who don't know, a lemon is basically written hentai} and someone commented something along the lines of, "Shuichi has bipolar for going from innocent to horny so fast lmao."

I've never been more offended at a comment about mental illness before, possibly. There are so many things wrong with that statement...

Obviously it TERRIBLY misrepresents bipolar disorder. That's not how it works in the slightest! And not to mention that not only romanticizes it but SEXUALIZES it! What the hell?!

I get they were probably just trying to be funny and joke around but that was seriously offensive to me. I don't usually get bothered by jokes about mental illness {hell, sometimes I crack a few bipolar jokes myself like, "My wifi just crashed faster than bipolar crashes my mood," or something like that} but that comment just... really got under my skin.

My joke talks about my mood crashing, aka depression. I get that it's kind of harmful to compare depression to wifi but at the same time that's kind of the point. But at the very least, depression is actually a problem of bipolar disorder.

The other person's joke was probably trying to make the joke off of the fact bipolar disorder causes mood swings but it wasn't funny, it was just rude. Not to mention comparing bipolar disorder's mood swings to someone's sexual activities is terrible.

Let me see if I can paint a good picture on why I'm so mad that it feels like my struggles becoming sexualized and objectified into a single poor statement are so damaging.

In mania I feel like I've finally got a grip on my life again. I love myself and I feel like I have great talents in everything I do and that I could achieve anything I wanted. There are several days where I'll believe I'm basically a supergenius and since intelligence is a huge measurement of my self-worth I'll feel like I'm just living the life. I tell myself I can easily handle depression and it'll be a cake walk, I'm prepared this time for reasons X, Y, and Z and it won't stand a chance against my new skills for fighting it.

I get some paranoia and hallucinations mixed up in the mess but it's not terrible. I just have to take some extra precautions and that usually takes the worst of it away, just enough so I can sleep at night. The rest I just force myself to deal with.

In depression, all of that gets turned upside-down. Suddenly I'm a failure at everything I do and I'm one of the worst people to exist on this planet. I feel like there's a constant black cloud of sadness over me that even doing daily things like eating or watching TV looms over me and makes me feel like crying. I wish for the mania to come back, why do I have to live like this?

Then I tell myself to knock it off because chasing the mania is just as bad as being a drug addict but I go off and chase it anyways. I told myself I promised I wouldn't do this, I'd enjoy the mania but I wouldn't overstay my welcome but what do I do anyways? I try to get it back. I try to get that spark back in my life even when I know it just won't work because I'm having a depression episode.

I feel like I'm stupid for continuing this horrible cycle and I blame myself for all of it. It's my mental problems so it's my fault. I start hurting myself for it, telling myself that if I bleed it'll punish me for being such a disgusting freak of nature. I just need to draw more blood, draw more blood. Make sure I'm bleeding. Those close to me notice and get sad I broke my promise not to hurt myself anymore again. I promise again and again that'll be the last time I hurt myself and yet I can't even do it, no matter how many tears are cried. It makes me feel even worse, but I start to blame others for my issues.

I push them away because I think they're the problem when they're not and I know they're not. I know there's no problem with them but I convince myself there is so I have a reason to push them away. I tell those who care deeply about me that they don't really care and just do it for their own gain and ignore any and all rational response they might have to that comment. I shut out the world and nobody can reason with me. Everyone around me won't leave me alone and it all starts to blur together until I feel like I can't hear them anymore and I'm going numb.

Finally, I turn to suicide. I attempt it even though I promised everyone I wouldn't do it again. People lash out at me in several different ways. Shock, sadness, anger... I don't even care anymore. I just tell them all to leave me alone, I just want to be left alone. I don't care about what they have to say. I know I've hurt people over and over and I don't wanna do it anymore, so I decide I'll hurt everyone one last time so I never do it again.

I go back into mania, pretty much laughing and saying how stupid I was. I promise everyone I'm all better, telling them it won't happen again because that depression taught me new coping skills that'll help me next time, even if I was too busy being miserable to learn anything. Everyone tells me that's great news and we all rejoice and have a good time, but deep down inside I know the cycle's only started again and I'll have to go through another painful round starting that very second.

That's what is being sexualized. That's why I'm mad.

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Word count: 1040