Insanity Descent

Explaining the Vents

Hey, I guess I owe an explanation for the past two vents since they were really vague and some people inquired about what was going on but I didn't really say much cuz I was still sorta processing and thinking myself.

This story goes back to December or January, maybe November idk somewhere in there. My friend has a Shuichi AU that I'm just gonna call Author because he's an author, and to my knowledge my friend doesn't exactly want details of her AU super public.

She made a Discord for Author and she and another person run the account and basically act like him and go by his name, whatever. I wouldn't exactly call it a roleplay account because it's not really like roleplaying... it's just like normal talking but in a sense they're roleplaying as him.

I quickly grew fond of Author though I said otherwise {I think I even said I hated him just cuz his usual character is kinda distant but ironically that was the very trait that pulled me in} and over time we had a friendship.

I'm not usually one to have unstable friendships but that one was... strained because of me. It seemed like almost every other day I was getting mad at him for something small and stupid. I guess the saying that you only argue if you care rings true.

Anyways, fast forward to March. I am a huge yandere tsundere and so it was really obvious when I got a crush on Author, even when I tried to hide it. I don't really think the tsundere part needs an explanation especially with my earlier mentions of me claiming to hate him. The yandere part, I'm aware it makes me sound like a 12 year old trying to sound different, creepy, weird, etc. so let me give a brief history of just ONE crush I've had in the past.

I stalked a girl and blackmailed her family by hurting myself every time they tried to not let her talk to me. I distanced her from her other friends and tried to make sure all her time was focused on me and only me, and when she talked about her other friends I'd quickly steer the topic away.

I always wanted to hang out with her after school or do projects together or basically whatever I could find to get her attention. I told her a lot of... dark thoughts I had about her which were very BDSM and I'm not sharing the exacts because they were... yeaaaaahhhhh not really something I should make public. I still have entire notebooks full of my ramblings and thoughts about her ranging from admiration to complete delusions. The contents even scare me now that I'm not obsessed with her.

Eventually her parents just put a ban on us talking to each other and told my dad what I was doing and that was the end of it. I was devastated at first but eventually over time I got better, kind of like cutting off an addiction cold turkey. The only difference is I never got any 'rehab' for my obsessive habits.

And now, back to my story about Author.

As you guessed, I tried to employ similar tactics when applicable. I wasn't as successful in part that Author isn't intimidated for shit as well as he's got people to back him up and basically be like, "Shaun what the fuck?!"

I still remember one night I kind of snapped for a bit and whenever anyone said something about him I didn't like on my server they were given the second warning role, which is a step away from being banned. Just a simple comment about thinking something in his design could be tweaked set me off and made me freak out. It wasn't until he got online, saw what happened, and basically forced me to restore things to normal that I snapped out of it. Even then when I apologized I didn't mean it, I just wanted his sympathy and good graces. It worked.

Episodes of me doing crazy shit like that got more frequent, or me doing things like saying I was gonna kill myself just for his attention. I didn't care anymore, he was all I could think of. Every second he was just on my mind and even though I knew it was toxic I couldn't stop. Sometimes it was like I was watching myself do those things because I felt like I wasn't even in control of myself, but I didn't try to make myself stop even though a part of me sort of wanted to.

Eventually me being so toxic got to me, and I realized the only way I could make it stop was if I blocked him. I was about to do it when... he came online after several days of inactivity. I couldn't do it.

The dangerous cycle continued and eventually he went through another period of inactivity which he broke for maybe fifteen or twenty minutes a few days ago. I pulled a nasty prank on him by pretending I didn't know who he was and he got pretty sad and went offline, and that was the last I've heard of him. I got so depressed from making him sad and that's when I realized... even though I thought I was over my obsession, I wasn't. I got significantly better when he was offline but the second he got online I was a completely different person. That change scares me.

I've made it clear to several people that the next time he comes online, I'm giving him a formal goodbye and then I'm going to block him because I know that otherwise it's just gonna keep going. Even years later when I see the first boy I was obsessed with I get awkward, and even years later when I see the first girl I was obsessed with I feel that same obsessive feeling I did. The only reason I'm able to live a normal life is because they're not in my life anymore so I'm not acting like some lovesick schoolgirl. Maybe if I find some way to not be so toxic and obsessive I can be friends if they even have any interest in being my friend {probably not, they literally hate me} but for now this is the only solution.

This is what I was venting about in very vague terms.

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