𝗺𝗰𝘆𝘁 𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘁𝘀 [𝘀𝗺𝘂𝘁,𝗳𝗹𝘂𝗳𝗳,𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘀𝘁]

i wish i was...[dreamnap] 🖤

dreamnap/dnf
unrequited love type beat [🖤]

(there in high school)

flashbacks/ memories are italicized

[play the song above^]
~heather, slowed down+reverb~

tw: slight panic attack

——————

sapnap pov:

it's depressing.

depressing to see your two best friends in love. knowing that you want one of them so bad and you can't have them.

the worst part is that you have to pretend to be happy for them like it isn't killing you.

but when i stand in the hallway of high school, other kids bump into me while i watch them together, it breaks me.

it breaks me to know that i can never have the type of love, that type of connection.

when the love isn't reciprocated.

the funniest part is that i still remember the third of december, me in your sweater.

'here pandas, you can wear my sweater i know it's cold, it looks better on you anyway' dream told me handing me his sweater on a windy day.

only if you knew how much i liked you.

but now you're with george and i watch your eyes as he walks by his little white pleated skirt.

what a sight for sore eyes.

his smile is brighter than the blue sky.

but he's got you mesmerized.

while i die.

'dream are you sure you want to do this' i asked him. our faces were centimeters apart at most. i could feel his breath on my face.

'yeah i think i do' he whispered, closing the gap between us.

why would you ever kiss me? i'm not even half as pretty.

i just don't understand. all i want is you. and i can't have it.

but i get it, you like him better.

i wish i were george.

i stand in the hallway and i watch as he's holding your hand. you with your arm around his shoulder. a giggling mess together.

sometimes i want to hate george for taking you from me. but how could i? he's such an angel. but then again i kind of wished he were dead.

i'm tired of crying, countless nights about wanting you. about how i will always only be your best friend. how whenever we play minecraft all i hear is you guys whispering sweet nothings to each other and i can't stand it.

i wish i wasn't your friend. i wish you weren't as beautiful as you were. with your silky golden locks that bounce around when you wheeze to hard. your beautiful tanned skin and toned stomach. your smile that sends me straight to heaven because of how beautiful it is. your eyes that would sparkle, glistening a bright green that sucked me in and gave me life.

i want to be in your hands. i want to feel your body, your touch. i want to be the one to receive your sweet nothingness.

you guys walk up to me together holding hands, my breath hitches.

"hi nick!" george said cheerfully. his happy, bright self as always. if anyone deserves dream it's him.

"hey nick, you okay? you look spaced out" clay said in a concerned tone.

all i could do was stand there. my breath quickens as beads of sweat drop off my head. i feel my heart get heavy and my eyes start to go dark.

"i- i- need to go" i say turning around as fast as i can, running to the bathroom.

"wait- sap!" a voice called out, me not knowing who it was and not caring enough to find out.

i ran into the bathrooms biggest stall slamming the stall door behind me, breaking down completely.

i can't stand this heartache anymore. it's been a whole month and it hasn't gotten better. this unbearable hell that's sealed with unforgivable lust made by myself.

i don't understand why i can't just move on. why i decide to keep trying knowing that my defeat is already here. that i've already lost the race. why am i still running?

i hear the bathroom door open, "sap, are you in here?" it was clay.

he slowly knocks on the stall, hearing me ball my eyes out, "can i come in please?" he whispers.

i slowly push the lock on the door open as i'm met with the blond boy. he sees my current state and wraps his arms around me.

this is what i want, his warmth. but-

"clay, why would you ever kiss me?" i whisper.

"what- i mean-"

"do you even love me?"

"of course i love you" he says.

i pull away from the hug, "but you like him better"

"i wish i were~"

__________________

(wc: 817)

ngl, love this sad shit

n e ways y'all ever not take ur meds simply cuz your too lazy too.

the story of my life.

welp see you next time losers.

oh also i don't think i ever told you guys, my pronouns are she/her and i'm a ✨female✨

much love<3 angelina🌸