life is a bitch or how death tore us apart and pulled us together

as the week drags on

Hayley's point of view

I came home smiling to myself.

The conversations with Chris were easy,  I did not have to disguise myself at all. He gave me the feeling of being accepted for what I am and not what I act like.

Home was loud, crowded and messy as always and it was half past eleven till I finally found time for myself.  That actually ment doing my homework and studying the vocabulary that I had just been to tired to yesterday.

The next days dragged on without any notice. I got up, went to school, came home and did everything a mother should do for her kids,  made dinner,  did my homework and went to sleep late every night.

The weekend was no better. 

Annie and Ben wanted to go outside into the woods and Ian deserved a time out as well.

I ended up sitting at a blanket in the Central Park while Annie and Ben were feeding squirrels and Ian was playing football with guys from his class he had met.

Sighing deeply I laid back in the grass and thought about the last week.

What a rush!

It was getting spring now, I could feel it, and the sun was getting warmer.

Our father had died one and a half year ago and Nick and I had split up exact one year, one month and five days ago.

On the 30. Of December, one day before he left the town and never came back.

I did not ask where he went and I regretted it every single day.

Now, it was the forth of February one year later and we were classmates again.

Shaking my head I thought about Chris.

He made me feel wanted, accepted and in a crazy way whole.

" Hayley! I'm cold.", Ben whined and I got up again.

It was extremely warm for the beginning of February but the little ones still got cold easy.

"Ian! We're going home.  I want to see you in two hours!", I called my brother, tied up the blanket and took each twins one hand.

The two of them played the whole way home. Today they were dogs and judging their laughs it was great fun to be a barking little creature that normally sent both of them running when they saw it.

After I parked the two of them in front of the television,  I went shopping.

I was so happy that these two were twins. It made the time they had to be alone much easier for them and they always had an companion who never got tired of them.

Coming home I found Ian's dirty shoes laying on the floor and the shower running.

"Clean up!", I ordered when he came back down.

Holding up his hands in defense, he went past me into the floor and did as told.

"Had it been fun? ", I asked and he nodded smiling.

" We're meeting again tomorrow. Sorry for not doing the shopping."

I smiled. " It's okay. You had fun and that's all that matters. I did it. "

With that I went into the kitchen.

Mom wanted to come home earlier today and I wanted to create an amazing meal.

Of course it didn't work out how I wanted it to.

The fried chicken got too dark because I had to chase Ben who had stolen my baking gloves.

The matched potatoes got salty because Annie thought she should help me and emptied a whole package of salt on top of the poor potatoes.

The sauce was the only thing that worked out how it should but when it was ready I had nothing to deliver it with anymore.

Sighing I threw away the salt potatoes and the black... thing that had once been a chicken and made rice.

We waited for one more hour, but mom did not appear.

Sighing I helped Annie and Ben get ready to eat and after a few more minor discussions like "why to wear a napkin when I can't eat without spilling everything" everybody was chewing quitly.

I looked at my siblings. They looked tired but happy.

Every day every one of them asked me once about when mom would come home. But only once.

If she wasn't there at bedtime,  it was okay. Then I automatically became their mom who they trusted without hesitation and who cared for them.

I seemed to be the only one who was upset with the behavior of our mother.

Sighing I ate my rice and beans.

After dinner the little ones went of to play in their room and Ian helped me in the kitchen.

It took only five minutes for me to send him of to the little ones as well.

" You deserve a break!", I said and continued cleaning the plates.

When I came into Ben and Annie's room I found the two of them cuddling with Ian who read a fairytale for them.

Standing in the doorframe I watched the scene.  It was just so cute.

These three little idiots, I thought to myself,  they keep me going.

Somehow Ian and I managed to get the little monsters into bed and we ended up stretched over the couch watching TV for the first time in at least three weeks.

"How are you? How's the new school? ", I asked him.

My brother smiled. " Nothing I would not be able to handle. "

I smiled back. " That's good. "

"How's yours?"

I sighed. " It's okay. But. . Nick's there. "

Ian grimaced.  " Baaaah, that's shitt."

He ran his hands through his hair.

" It's sad actually. He was always so kind. He fitted in here perfectly. It's hard to find someone who can really handle this kind of family of his girlfriend. ", he said thoughtfully and more to himself.

I nodded. " Of all people I expected it the least from him. "

My brother rubbed his eyes. " Do you think mom will come home tonight? I haven't spoken to her for five days. "

I swallowed hard. "I don't know,  Ian. "

" Do you think she blames us for how she feels? ", he continued to ask questions I did not want to answer.

" No. I don't think so. I can't. If I would I would break down. "

"You look like daddy. Maybe she hurts every time she looks us into the eye because she sees daddy's? ", he suggested.

I shook my head. " Stop thinking about that. All it does is make you sick! ", I said harshly, closing my eyes. " I will go to bed now. Don't stay here for much longer,  it's getting cold out here. ", I said and went up the stairs so he won't see my tears.

This night I cried myself into sleep again like so many times before, because I remembered a talk with my mother.

She had said exact what Ian had suggested. She saw her husband in our eyes and hated us for that.