life is a bitch or how death tore us apart and pulled us together

the living and the dead

My drive ended at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.

I had really driven out of New York and into the wild.

The race was fast and felt like a rush, but after about two hundred kilometres the gas was empty. I had just spent one and a half hour driving out of my mind.

State of craziness: level up.

The station had a bar and after I had refilled the gas, I decided to eat a second lunch or early dinner.

Tonight was a party, but I was way too deep in my thoughts to care about that right now.

I thought back to the talk Hayley and I had had in school and my stomach twisted.

Why did it had to turn out that way?

Why did she had to hate me?

Why couldn't I just tell her the fucking truth about myself and why had left her when she was at her lowest.

There must have been something in the coffee I drank because after a few minutes I started to feel the all too well known feeling in my lower region.

Sighing I tried to ease it, but of course every try was complete useless.

And then, out of a sudden it hit me.

The pain was a wave of numbness and made me feel dissy but in the same way somehow lifted up from my body.

It was like slow motion; I lost my balance and fell over.  Before anyone took notice, I had hit the ground and started to stare at the ceiling.

" Are you okay, Mister? " The deep voice of a waiter came to my ear, but it did not reach my brain. I was lost in the bubble my mind had created to block out the pain.

Somebody tapped me at the shoulder and tried to lift me.

The pains ragging through my body where intense and my brain did the only thing that helped me in this situations: I fell unconscious.

-

Waking up I stared into the stern face of a doctor.

" Nickolai!", he said and something on his voice made me feel sick. 

" What is wrong with me?", I asked, voice husky and throat sour.

" Nick! ", the screams of my mother interrupted the doctor and made me roll my eyes. What was the wrong thing to do as I soon figured out.

" I was so worried! Where have you been???" "I was so worried!" And so on and so on. I rolled my eyes.

My mother ran around like a chicken that did not know where to leave it's egg and talked faster than I ever could understand.

"Mum! I'm here. Please calm down and let the doctor talk! " It took me a few minutes to calm here down.

"Since you're 18, I would like to talk to you on your own. ", named doctor said and pushed my mother out of the room.

"I'm sure it's gonna be okay. ", she said as if to convince herself.

" Yeah, because it isn't happening to you! ", I whispered under my breath.

The doc walked over with a sour face. " I'm sorry for what I'm about to say. "

My face dropped and suddenly breathing became harder than ever.

"What are you talking about?", I asked carefully,  not knowing if I really wanted to hear his answer.

Instead of words he showed me my hospital file.

The whole shitt I already knew. ... much pains... taking painkillers XY... alcohol is dangerous... bla bla bla, everything I already knew.

And then I saw the last entry, written in a fast scribble, and my mind became blank.

" Nickolai? Are you okay? ", the doc asked and I gasped for air.

" You are seriously asking me if I'm okay? Have you read this? Have you?  How can you even dare of asking that? " My voice was husky but loud and the doc grimaced.

" I am so sorry. But there is nothing we can do. We will give you harder painkillers and then all we are able to do is wait. "

"Wait? How am I supposed to wait? ", I whispered shocked.

" I'm sorry. "

The doctor left the room and my mother came back, face white.

" What did he say? ", she asked but I did not answer.

I stared out of the window, gazing into the distance. I did not want to talk. I did not want to eat or drink or sleep or do anything.

All I wanted to do was sit there in this hospital room and wait for the end to come.

What was the meaning of life?

And why was it worth living?

Was it? Was it worth living and worth suffering for?

Why did I linger on this earth when what left for me was pain and grief and despair?

" What is wrong with you? ", my mother asked again, voice high pitched because of her panic.

I looked at her blankly. All I wanted was her to shut up!

"I can tell you what is wrong with me! ", I said coldly and her eyes grew large.

" I will not be here when you and dad will celebrate your 60th Birthday. "

I saw her brain working, she tried to understand what I said.

Her 60th birthday was in two years. It was in the middle of the school year and there was no way I would be in holiday this time.

Her face dropped and tears started to swell in her eyes as she understood.

" That's impossible!", she whispered.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

" No, it is the truth. I said it often enough and now it's official! "

The door opened and my father entered.

He shouted something about the car and all the problems that came with me leaving it at the gas station.

" I'm really sorry that I did not care about it when I rolled on the floor because of the pains. ", I said sarcastically.

" Why do you always have to be so overreacting? ", my father growled.

This was enough.

"Man! Listen! ", I shouted. " I am not overreacting. You would not even be able to stand the pains so just shut up! "

He snorted. " It can't be that bad!"

" It can't be that bad? Seriously? "

I looked at him and said the next sentence extremely slowly and pronounced.

" I just got told that I will not survive my 21th birthday. I am going to die! And nobody can do something about it. "

My fathers face became complete white and his eyes became big.

He looked at me for one more second, then he turned around and stormed out of the door and down the hallway.

Pussy.