life is a bitch or how death tore us apart and pulled us together

hospital

My mother came about an hour after I had woken up and she hugged me like I was her long lost son.

" What the hell did you think you do?" Was the first my father said when he came into my room as well.

" Just piss off, please. ", I barked and for once my mother did not say anything.

They sat at my bed for a few hours, but even they understood that I did not want to talk or eat or drink or pray or do anything at all.

I just wanted to lay here and stare at my ceiling.

So they left as well.

The door closed once more and I coughed, just to make some noise so the sound would not echo that loud in the empty room.

As soon as I was alone, my head started running wild.

I thought back to the time I said goodbye to Hayley.

Leaving her without an excuse, out of a sudden would make it easier for her to forget me; I had been so sure about that.

But it did not help. I had missed her, specially because I had been having such a shitty time. I missed her laugh and her smile, I missed her hand in mine and her arms around my neck.

I missed how she would took at her hair when she did not know what to do in a situation and how she would become completely calm when it came to problems. She had always been my anker in situations I did not know how to handle.

I missed kissing her in the rain and her sleeping in my arms in the bus when I had picked her up from swim training.

I even missed how she would scream at me and grow completely cold when I did something really wrong.

I missed our play of bugging the other one this long that he or she would smile and forget the fight.

I missed her curves, her long brown hair and her azure blue eyes. I missed the always a bit messy clothes that fit perfectly without her doing much about it.

I missed her.

But I remembered the first of many nights in the hospital when I realised that all of a sudden I could not be the hero anymore.

I could not help Hayley anymore, I needed help myself.

Suddenly, with the blink of an eye, I had become a burden. For my family, for Hayley and for everyone.

I realized that I would not do Hayley any good if I stayed. If I really loved her, I would get the hell out of her life and leave her be.

If it was for her own good, I would do it. I would swallow my pride and my hurt and leave her.

Not because I wanted to hurt her, but because I loved her that much that I would let her go when it was better for her.

I laid there and stared.

I still loved her the way I did a year ago.

And - I swallowed hard - this meant leaving her.

No matter how much it hurted; letting Chris love her would do her so much more good than being with me.

And no matter how much it hurted; when it came to doing the best for Hayley, I was ready to take the pain and stay away from her.

I would go back to my normal self and keep the hell out of her life.

Slowly but steadily the pain had risen in my stomach and if I had found any energy in me, I would have thrown up.

But I had exactly no power anymore and this leaded to me laying in the bed and slowly, really slowly, drifting out of consciousness.

Being unconscious was the best my mind could come up with and it had somehow become my way of getting away from all the shitt in my life.

I sighed deeply when the so much welcomed blankness rushed over me and took me with it.