life is a bitch or how death tore us apart and pulled us together

graveyard

Today was a special day.

Five years ago my granny had died because of an heart attack.

Since we moved back to New York, my childhood hometown, I was able to visit her grave on that special day.

School was no fifteen minutes over when I pulled into a parking lot in front of the graveyard.

The grave was in the darker part of the yard and as always the deep, weeping mode made me anxious and sad.

My mother stood aside the gravestone and removed leafs from the grave.

I stood in silence, bowing my head.

" She would have loved to see you now. ", my mum said and I nodded. But deep down in myself, something screamed.

And as if the mode wasn't bad enough, the graves always reminded me of what was to come.

"I wanna pick my place, before it's over. ", I said dryly and my mother looked up.

"What are you talking about? What place? ", she asked like she knew already what I wanted to tell her but did not want to hear it.

" I wanna pick my grave! I don't want to end somewhere in the shadows under a dirty tree or something. "

Now she stood up straight and looked me into the eyes.

" You're not dead, Nickolai! ", she almost screamed. " And as long as you are alive I don't want to hear a word about stuff like this! "

" Yeah, mom, I'm not dead yet! But I will! I will die and it will be earlier than you! I am going to die from this! ", I screamed and tears started to built in my eyes.

" Nickolai! ", my mum was already crying hard. " There is still hope! Don't give yourself up! You still have beautiful years left."

All I could do was roll my eyes. It wasn't true, that I was only thinking about death.

I mean, I was going to school and I was meeting people and I tried to make the time I had left the best of my life.

But I was realistic. Nobody knew how it felt like when the pains took control over my body and sent me to the floor, crying and screaming like a baby.

Nobody knew the fears I had.

And although nobody ever said it, I knew I was dying. I felt it in every bone and muscle.

" I don't wanna talk 'bout that here!", I told my mum and started to walk back to my car.

I felt my body twist in the all to well known way but was way too angry to care.

I grabbed my keys, slammed into the car seat and drove off.

What direction and what limit was unimportant, all I wanted was to get away from the graveyard as soon as possible.