life is a bitch or how death tore us apart and pulled us together

fighting

When you are badly hurt there are different ways to cope with it.

You can run away, knowing that the hurt is going to chase you anyway.

You can speak to the person who hurted you and talk the situation through.

Or you can cover up and pretend like your fine and nothing had happened.

Since neither my father with his accusations nor Hayley with the chaos she brought to my life were people I would like to see or talk to, I took the third option. Just as always.

I covered up, let nobody see inside me and locked my heart away in a dark deep corner of my mind.

Undeniable this lead to me becoming more and more of the cold-hearted boy I used to be.

With every day that passed I grew colder again and with every mean word I said, the boys I had gathered around me came back a bit more.

I became the fear of the fifth graders and everybody who wasn't one of my people started to avoid me.

I really liked it. Life was easier that way. My boys never questioned my behaviour, nobody ever said anything against a decision I made or why I sometimes disappeared out of the blue.

The pains I had were my secret and nobody ever asked about it.

But there still was this girl that made my stomach turn in complete different ways and that set me sleepless at night.

Hayley withdrew herself from me and on some days I only noticed her because I still searched the hall for her face. 

It was a Monday, over a month after I had seen her first kiss with this Chris-boy.

School was as boring as ever and I nearly drove off to sleep walking down the hallway as someone ran into me.

" Hey! Watch out! ", I shouted.

" Watch out yourself! You were the one bumping into me. "

I grimaced at the voice. Of course! The coffee forgot to kick my brain one time and I had to met her!

" Oh fuck of!", I growled.

"Pah! Being bitchy all the time and then wanting to tell me what to do! ", she snapped.

I only rolled my eyes,  forgetting for a small moment how much she hated it.

Hayley searched the hallway and found it empty.

She came near and stared me right into the eyes.

"I heard there are many sluts at this school and not all of them are completely ugly. So - how many of them did you  had already ? ", she asked suspicious.

I sighed deeply." Hayley! You are doing me wrong! "

" What do you mean?  You're notsatisfied with the school sluts anymore? "

That was the moment when I got angry. Really angry.

And this is never a good thing because I got the habit to loose control over what I'm talking about.

This time was no different.

"Listen, Hayley! I don't know what you heard and from who, but tell them they are idiots! Hell, yes, I am still a virgin! ", I screamed her in the face and my breath went unsteadily and quick.

" What? " Her voice was soft, barly hearable and unbelieving.

" I don't believe you! ", she screamed.  " You could tell me what ever kind of lies and be sure that I would believe them, but not that! I don't believe you."

I rolled my eyes. " God, Hayley you're so silly."

"Stop insulting me and lying in my face.", she cried, her eyes dark with anger.

I stood up and grabbed her waving arms.

" Hayls!", I used her nickname of earlier times and for a second her eyes softened.

The next moment she had slapped me." Don't you dare say this names. You don't even deserve to know them. "

I sighed again. " Then let me explain. Let me tell you why I went away. "

"I don't want to hear your stupid explanations!  Just leave me. "

Slowly I lowered my hands. " I can't stop you from running. But I would really love it, if you could stay. "

She laughed sadly.  " I am no thing you are allowed to love anymore. "

With this words she grabbed her bag and stormed down the hallway. "I hate you more than you could ever imagine!"

Once more step and she disappeared in front of me.

Sighing I rubbed my eyes.

I was so tired of all of that!

"Don't you think our behavior is childish? ", I asked.

She came back and shoot me a deadly stare. " I wish I would still be the kid that did not know you. "

And behind her the door slammed close.

I heard her run down the staircase and crashed against the wall.

Why did it had to end like this?

Why did I had to see her again?