Who Would Have Thought

Chapter 5

It had worked. He had actually pulled it off. He couldn't believe that he pulled it off but he did. The patient was going to live and probably be fine, or maybe be fine. There was still moderating to be done but that was okay. The surgery had worked. And now he was exhausted. Fighting during surgery was more draining than he had imagined it would be.

He still couldn't believe how angry he had gotten with her, how much she had disrespected him in his OR, which actually didn't bother him as much as the fact she still had no idea how bad she had been, how much at fault she had been for their relationship's demise. That blew his mind. Actually, it didn't blow his mind so much as force his blood pressure back up as he tried not to think about it.

He had come to terms with things years ago, he had realized that it hadn't been entirely her fault, that maybe he hadn't been there as much as he could have been. But Meredith had been the one who really tore it down and she didn't even see it. She still saw him as the ass that walked away. It was insane. It was completely crazy that she didn't see how she had shut down on him.

He had tried to stick around. He had tried to be the great boyfriend who could withstand everything and anything, but she had shut down. She had pulled away. She had all but forced him to walk away from her. She didn't want him with her, she hadn't wanted him to be there for her. But somehow, she was using that against him in fights now. Turning the situation completely.

He wanted the fights to stop, he wanted to be able to work with her and get through the year but obviously that wasn't happening. Nothing close to that was happening which was an issue. One he didn't know how to stop. He couldn't figure out how to be in the same room with her and want to do anything but scream at her. About everything and anything. It wasn't even healthy.

But she just seemed to pick and pick. He got in a room with her and immediately he wanted to scream at her. He wanted to shake her. He wanted to fight with her until she came around and admitted what she had done to him, to them. But instead she fought back. She fought hard and with the spark he had always loved when he had first met her, except now it was annoying.

It was good the sparks were back, he knew that. On some level he was thrilled that she was communicating, thrilled that she seemed like she actually had some emotions besides the comatose woman he had been with years ago. He just wished it wasn't toward him, that he could just work with her and go home at night and not have all the screaming in between.

"So I heard."

"What?" Derek frowned at Addison.

"I heard about what happened in your surgery," Addison frowned, putting her chart done. "The whole hospital has probably heard by now. I actually heard it from the coffee cart guy."

"What happened...the fight with Meredith?" Derek sighed.

"And you kicking her out of the surgery."

"I can't cut with her," Derek shook his head.

"Derek," Addison sighed.

"Addie, I can't," he sighed. "I wanted to, I just...can't."

"You're going to have to learn," Addison pointed out. "You can't keep doing this, Derek. You can't yell at her in the OR."

"Do you think I wanted to?"

"You didn't stop yourself."

"I can't," Derek groaned. "I went into it knowing I couldn't yell a her. I told myself not to, I was all set not to...and then, it just explodes."

"It can't explode, Derek," Addison shook her head. "You can't keep yelling at her in ORs, Derek. Or the hallways. Or anywhere in this hospital. I know there are things that need to be said, but take her to your land...you can't yell at her here. You're her boss."

"I'm not taking her out to my land," Derek shook his head.

"Then take her anywhere but this hospital," Addison sighed.

"I don't want to take her anywhere," Derek sighed. "I don't want to yell at her."

"Then stop."

"I want to."

"Then do it," Addison said firmly. "And your first step would be apolozing to her for kicking her out of her surgery."

"If I try to apologize I'm going to end up yelling again," Derek sighed. "I don't know what's going on, Addie. I spend hours reminding myself not to yell, reminding it's not worth it. And then I see her and I want to yell. I want to scream and shake her."

"I understand that," Addison nodded slowly. "I do, Derek. What she did...there's a lot you two have to discuss. But you can't take it into work."

"I know that, Addie."

"You have to build a professional working relationship with her."

"I know."

"Which means you can't kick her out of the OR."

"I didn't want to kick her out," Derek sighed. "My hands were shaking, my heart was racing, I couldn't concentrate."

"You have to learn to concentrate," Addison sighed, reaching to squeeze his arm. "Derek, you can't do this. You can't not work because she's here. She's a fellow, you're an attending. You have to put the past aside."

"I want to, I really do," Derek frowned. "I do know she deserved to be in on that surgery. I just...needed to breathe."

"I know," Addison murmured.

"She drives me crazy."

"You can't let her."

"I know that," Derek sighed. "I do."

"You just...you have to apologize, Derek. You have to apologize and you have to build a good working relationship with her. It's only a year."

"I try to keep telling myself that," Derek nodded.

"So just apologize. Apologize and start from scratch. And no yelling."

"Start from scratch?" Derek raised an eyebrow.

"Pretend you don't know her. Pretend she's just another fellow," Addison sighed. "At least at the hospital."

"I can try," he sighed. "Addie?"

"Yes?"

"Was she always this annoying?"

"She's not annoying, Derek. She's...your both hurt and confused."

"She doesn't even know what she did, Addie."

"She does, Der. I know it doesn't seem like it...but she does. And you would know that if you talked to her without picking."

"She calls me an ass," Derek rolled his eyes. "She doesn't want to talk to me."

"You don't want to talk to her either," Addison pointed out.

"Of course not."

"Derek, you just have to give her a chance," Addison sighed. "Go talk to her. And actually talk. Apologize. Don't fight. You can't fight anymore or one of you is going to get in trouble with the chief."

"That would be bad."

"It would."

"I'll try, Addie," he sighed.

"Good," she smiled. "Which means you should start trying now."

"Now now?" he frowned.

"Now now."

"You're kind of evil."
"I know," she laughed.

"If she kills me, it's on your head."

"She won't kill you, Derek."

"Of course not," Derek sighed as he turned to walk away.

"Be nice!" Addison called after him.

"I'm always nice," he shouted back.

"I'm serious, Derek."

"I know," he sighed. "I'll be nice."

"Thank you," she smiled, walking away quickly.

Addison was right. He had to apologize, he had to stop the fighting if this next year was going to work at all. She was probably even right that he should just take her to his land and they could have it out. But he had no desire to take her out there, to show her his place. So they just had to do it some way. They had to get past this strange anger that was coming from no where.

He wished desperately that he could forget the anger and be happy again that she was alive. That she had made it past all of the hurt and anger and depression and still managed to make it to where she was. It was impressive, he knew htat. But anytime he tried to be impressed, anytime he tried to remind himself of how amazing it was that she was here, the anger took over.

He hadn't felt this anger toward her in years. It had been there once when everything had first happened. He had spent the first couple of years hating her, hating everything that had happened between them. But he had gotten over it, he had moved on and forgotten about being angry. And now she was back, and everything was oddly rushing back. It had to stop.

She was a fellow, he was an attending. He was technically her boss, and most especially, her teacher. He was supposed to be helping her really hone her skills before she became an attending, and instead he was kicking her out of surgeries. He didn't treat coworkers like this, it wasn't acceptable. He just had to forget who she was and move on. Treat her like any other coworker.

He'd apologize and maybe they could figure something out, some way to pretend that he was just Dr. Shepherd and she was just Dr. Grey and they didn't have the long, messy pass that they actually had. He was pretty sure pretending was the only thing he could at this point, pretend she was someone else. And they'd stop with the screaming matches all over the place.

They had to reel in their emotions. They had to take steps back and just reel everything in. It had been over a decade, they had to stop wallowing in this. So he would apologize, and she would apologize, and then they would just be coworkers, nothing more. He looked at his watch, it was nearly six, which meant if she was still here she'd probably be grabbing dinner in the caf.

Which was fine, they'd have a nice calm conversation in the caf over their meals. They had been able to have calm conversations at one point in their relationship. They had been able to peacefully exist. So he would talk to her and they could just co-exist in the hospital. Till she left at the end of the year and then he could go back to just being happy she was alive.

His eyes swept over the cafeteria as he looked for her, finding her at a corner table, sitting with Alex Karev, her head thrown back in laughter. She was laughing. She was laughing and her eyes were sparkling, she was in a good mood. Which would make all of this much easier. He just had to apologize. Apologize and then have a normal conversation with her.

"Dr. Karev," he greeted the other doctor as he approached the table. "Mer...Dr. Grey."

"Dr. Shepherd," she nodded slightly, her hand tightening around her fork.

"Can I talk to you, Dr. Grey?" he asked softly, smiling. He figured smiling was good.

"I..." she frowned, looking at Alex before looking back at him. "Okay."

"It won't be long," he smiled at Alex briefly.

"Alex, you can stay," Meredith sighed, though it sounded more like an order or a plea than anything else.

"Okay," Derek nodded, slipping into the seat beside Meredith. Not fighting, he wasn't going to be fighting. "I wanted to come and let you know that the surgery went well. We still have some monitoring but she survived."

"That's good," Meredith smiled slightly. "Thank you for telling me."

"You're welcome," he sighed, taking a deep breath. "And I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?"

"I'm sorry," he nodded. "I shouldn't have yelled at you during surgery. And I shouldn't have kicked you out. It was unprofessional. I'm sorry."

"Oh," she breathed, her grasp on her fork loosening. "I...apology accepted. I'm sorry too. For the screaming and the...my behavior was bad and unacceptable and definitely unprofessional and I'm sorry. For my behavior during the surgery."

"It was...bad," he sighed.

"It was," she agreed quietly. "And I'm sorry."

"I am too," he nodded. "We can't keep doing this."

"No we can't."

"We have a year to get through and this...if we keep going like this one of us is going to end up dead."

"Which would be bad," she giggled.

"It would be," he laughed softly.

"So we have to stop."

"We do," he nodded.

"Okay," she nodded slowly.

"So we should..."

"Um..." Meredith bit her lip. "Stop. I mean, I already said that. We should stop and that means...we can't fight anymore. Fighting is bad and we shouldn't do it. Definitely not do it. Especially not in the OR."

"I know," he nodded. "We can't just start screaming at each other."

"No we can't."

"You need to stop calling me an ass."

"You need to stop bringing it up."

"I don't bring it up," he rolled his eyes. "And even if I do, you can't call me an ass while we're at work."

"So if you bring it up I'm supposed to just let you say whatever you want?" she frowned.

"No," he shook his head. "I'll try to stop bringing it back. But you have to stop blaming this whole thing on me and take some responsibility for your actions."

"I have to take responsibility for my actions? What about you, Derek?"

"I know I'm not perfect, I know I fucked up. Don't pretend I'm not taking responsibility."

"No, you're just blaming the majority of it on me."

"Do you even remember what it was like twelve years ago?"

"Yes, I remember, Derek."

"So you remember who was begging you to talk? Eat? Sleep? Let me touch you? You remember that?"

"Yes, I remember," she hissed. "But I also remember you not being around."

"Oh I did all that when I was where exactly?"

"Oh stop pretending like you were always there."

"I know I wasn't," he snapped. "I know I fucking sucked as a boyfriend. But I tried my damn best. I tried to be there when it counted.

"When it counted?" she stared at him. "When it counted? Seriously? Seriously. I was given a whole big guilt trip if I called you when it counted. I couldn't even come over to the apartment if you were too tired or whatever. You weren't there when it counted, you were there when you wanted to be there. And you didn't want to be there anymore so you weren't. That's it."
"I made my mistakes, Meredith, I know that," he shook his head as he moved to stand up. "But that doesn't change things. How was I supposed to be there for a woman who wouldn't even let me hold her?

"I was going through hell, Derek," she shook her head. "I was going through hell and it was about you. It's always about you."

"You were going through hell? Have you ever watched the person you love fall apart in front of you?"

"So you're telling me your life was worse than mine?"

"No, Mer, I know it wasn't. But that whole thing, don't think for a second those months were easy for me."

"I don't pretend they were," she shook her head violently. "I put you through hell, fine. It was the walking away part. You said things, Derek. You said things that were big and huge and I didn't want to believe them, but I did. I wanted to believe them and then you completely and totally killed all of those things. You might as well have just fucked someone else. It would have done the same thing just hurt less."

"Fuck someone else," he breathed, shaking his head fiercely. "You don't know, you still don't know. It's been over a decade and you still haven't figured out why I put myself through that shit? You think I could have even touched someone else? I loved you so much."

"You didn't love me, Derek," she shot back. "You didn't love me. You just wanted me to be some kind of perfect...I don't even know what you wanted. Because you said things and they weren't true. None of it was true."

"You honestly think I didn't love you?" he spat.

"I don't know, Derek. You walked away. What does that tell you?"

"I walked away because I didn't know what the hell else to do, because if I had stayed my own life would have been in shambles."

"Then I guess it's a good thing you walked away so that you could save your life," she rolled her eyes.

"I nearly drank myself to death after I walked away."

"And I'm supposed to pity you?" she asked, her voice rising with every word. "What about me, Derek? What about the fact that I went every night after that and got drunk and slept with....you think it was easy on me? When I met you, I thought I was done. I thought I had met the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. So all the mommy and the daddy issues...who cared? Because I was going to spend the rest of my life with you. And then you walked away. You walked away, Derek. You made that choice."

"I felt the same damn way about you. You were...everything. Everything to me, Meredith. And me walking away...that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. It didn't bug me that you didn't want to talk, I know you're not good at that. It didn't bug me that you started drinking more than usual, or that you were having trouble sleeping. That was okay, that was expected. I cared that you flinched when I touched you. How the fuck can I promise forever to a woman that won't let me touch her?"

"The same way you promise forever to someone you're supposed to love! You promised things, Derek. You said you'd be there. You said I wasn't alone. You said those things. And then you walked away. You just kept walking away."

"You weren't even there to walk away from," he groaned. "Some disgusting shell of a woman was in your place."

"I'm so sorry I wasn't happy, Derek."

"I could put up with you not being happy. I just wanted you to be....something."

"You couldn't put up with me not being happy. You couldn't put up with the no sex. You couldn't put up with any of it. You wanted it to be perfect, it wasn't, so you walked away. You can't keep pretending you didn't want that."

"I walked away because looking in your eyes and seeing the nothingness, not being able to get through to you and shake you and be there...it was killing me."

"I....you..." Meredith frowned, taking a deep breath as she looked up at him.

"What?"

"Derek..." she murmured, her green eyes filling with tears before she turned and quickly walked away, Alex jumping up and following her quickly as the quiet cafeteria turned it's attention to Derek.

That definitely hadn't gone as planned. He was supposed to apologize. He was supposed to talk to her and figure out how to work together instead of fighting in front of everyone. He wanted the fighting to stop, he wanted them to be able to coexist. And it just turned into a big screaming match, in front of everyone. Everyone in the hospital had heard.

He took a deep breath as he ran his hand through his hair, trying to sort through everything that had been said. Trying to ignore the fact that she had been so close to him he could smell the conditioner in her hair, as well as the smell that was so uniquely her. That hadn't been the point of that fight. That fight had been completely disastrous, and he still had no idea how it had started.

They had been talking, they had even laughed together which was kind of amazing. It should have been a good thing, it should have led to good things instead of screaming in each other's faces, closer than he had been to her since long before the break up. He hadn't meant to scream at her. He definitely hadn't meant to make her cry, which she definitely had been doing.

He just couldn't help it. She said things and he just had to fight them. He had to fight with her, had to yell at her, had to do something to make sure she understood how much he had lost that day, how much he had been losing before that day. So instead of being nice and forgiving each other, they fought. It was all they did. And as much as he wanted it to stop, he had no idea how to actually make it stop.

He had thought the hurt feelings had gone away, that he had forgiven her for everything that had happened but obviously he had been wrong. He had had still so much to say, so much to get out. And now that she was talking it was just flowing out. Even when he didn't want it to. Everything he had been feeling since she had started to pull away was spilling out.

But it couldn't. It couldn't spill out. Not in the OR, not in hallways, and definitely not in the cafeteria. He hadn't wanted people to find out about him and Meredith, but now they were watching him like they knew. They were all watching and whispering and he didn't know what to do. This situation was a mess, and he just wanted it to be cleaned up already.

Maybe he should try the avoiding thing again. Instead of finding her and trying to talk, he should just go back to avoiding her, letting the year pass without any more screaming matches that got them no where. He should just leave her alone, not scrub in with her, keep her off his cases so they wouldn't be some odd spectacle for the hospital staff.

There wasn't much else he could do past that. Because he couldn't stand her. He couldn't be around her and not want to say something to her, to make her feel an ounce of the pain he had felt that day, and for months before it. He couldn't build a professional relationship with her, the least he could do was take a step back and just avoid her.

And the year would pass. He'd stay busy, maybe find some conferences that would get him out of the hospital and away from Meredith. It would make this pass even faster. He could make sure she didn't miss out on good cases, just not on his cases. And they'd just stay away from each other. She would probably appreciate it. It would just make it better for both of them.

He had thought twelve years ago that there wasn't anything worse than not seeing her again. He had assumed nothing could possibly hurt more than not seeing her, not holding her, not being there for her. But now he was seeing he had been completely wrong. Seeing Meredith Grey again, talking to her again, actually hurt much worse than not seeing her. And he would kill to not see her.