Who Would Have Thought

Chapter 12

"Watch for that rock, Mer," Derek smiled as he reached his hand out for Meredith to grab on to.

"I still don't believe Mark actually does this," Meredith rolled her eyes as she grabbed his hand and landed softly next to him.

"Only when I make him," Derek laughed. "He bitches more than you do."

"I haven't bitched once."

"I'm waiting for it."

"I love it out here, Der," she shook her head. "It's...I mean, the hike is insane but I love it out here."

"It's kind of amazing, isn't it?" he breathed.

"Completely," she smiled, squeezing his hand.

"So we're out here for a reason," he sighed.

"More talking," she nodded slowly. "Or you're finally going to kill me and bury my body."

"Oh I haven't thought about killing you for a few days now."

"Well that's an improvement," she giggled.

"It is."

"But now there's more talking."

"There is," he nodded slowly. "About things."

"What things today?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "There is still so much."

"And I thought this would be easy," she sighed.

"Definitely not," he shook his head.

"So...talking," she sighed as her feet sloshed through the mud.

"Talking."

"So..."

"When did you figure it out? What you wanted to do, I mean."

"I don't..." Meredith bit her lip. "A couple weeks after my mom's funeral."

"What...how?"

"I had been thinking about it," Meredith shrugged. "After you left, I just started thinking. Because you leaving...I always thought even if everything was a mess that you would be there. And then you weren't and everything was a big huge mess and I just needed to figure stuff out. And then when my mom died...I don't know. I just figured it was a good time to do it."

"I'm glad you did it," he nodded. "I hate that I had to leave for this to happen but I'm glad it did."

"Yeah," she sighed, taking her hand from his. "I think I always knew I was going to go to med school. I just...I couldn't figure out how or why or...anything."

"With everything going on in your life, that makes sense," Derek nodded.

"It wasn't going on before Europe. I just...everything seemed so big."

"You never said anything before Europe," he murmured.

"I was...happy," she whispered. "I was so stupidly happy and I kept putting it off. I kept thinking it would get easier or better or it would all make sense."

"We were both stupid happy," Derek agreed. "But that was something...it's normal to go through that. I would have been able to help."

"You had everything together," Meredith sighed. "I didn't want to scare you when you had everything completely together. I just thought...I thought it was me."

"I didn't have everything together," he frowned.

"You were...you."

"I was about to start my intern year. I was probably feeling just as lost as you."

"You didn't seem like it. You...you knew what you wanted, Der. You wanted neuro. You wanted to get married and have kids and you wanted a house in Cambridge and...you wanted things. You knew what you wanted."

"I did," he nodded slowly. "But that doesn't mean I wasn't afraid. I was terrified of all of that just as much as I wanted it."

"Oh," she breathed, slowing down slightly. "You were just...you seemed like you were okay. Like you got it all."

"Definitely not," he shook his head. "I was getting ready to become and actual doctor and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to cut it. Which led to the fear that you would figure out I was a fraud and would run the other way. Which made me worry I wouldn't have the wife and children to fill the house in Cambridge."

"Oh, Der," she shook her head, reaching for his hand again. "That's...I thought you thought I was a fraud."

"Never," he sighed. "I thought you were a twenty two year who was just figuring out that the world is too big."

"You never told me," she murmured.

"I should have."

"Why didn't you?" she asked softly.

"I don't know," he shook his head. "I think...I was so scared of my own life that I was worried if I brought up your fears, mine would spiral out of control. And then it would just be too late."

"You should have said something, Der," she sighed. "About yours too."

"I know that now," he nodded. "If I had, maybe we would have made it."

"I don't know," she sighed. "With my mom..."

"I might have felt more able to push."

"And I would have pushed you away."

"I shouldn't have let you."

"You were busy, Der. You were busy and...I shouldn't have pushed you away."

"I was busier than I should have been."

"It was called being an intern, Der. I was busy my intern year too."

"I should have done something though," he shook his head. "Talked to my resident, explain about the situation. They would have given me more flexible hours if they had known."

"Der...we're not blaming ourselves, remember?" she sighed.

"I know," he nodded. "I think...we need to put it all behind us. Forgive each other and forget."

"That's probably the best idea."

"Probably."

"I thought I had already done that," Meredith said softly. "In Boston...I thought I had forgiven and forgotten."

"I thought I had too," he nodded. "And then I saw you."

"And then you wanted to kill me and bury my body."

"At times, yes."

"Most of the time."

"I didn't want you here."

"I didn't think I wanted to be here."

"Now you do?"

"It's the best hospital in the country, Der."

"I know," he nodded. "But for you it's a lot more complicated than that."

"I wasn't going to let you ruin my career," she said firmly. "It wasn't going to be complicated. It was...it's my career."

"I know," Derek smiled slightly. "Even before we started talking, I completely supported the chief's decision to keep you."

"Even if you were yelling at me all over the hospital," she rolled her eyes.

"You were yelling right back."

"True," she sighed.

"But we're done with that."

"We are," she nodded. "Because we're talking."

"We are," he grinned.

"Actually right now we're hiking," she pointed out. "To some random place you won't actually tell me about."

"That's the surprise," Derek smirked.

"I hate surprises."

"Some things never change."

"I'm a surgeon. I'm kind of a control freak. There isn't a lot of control with surprises."

"You hated surprises when you were a college student, Mer."

"I was studying to be a surgeon."

"You're so full of it."

"You don't get to make fun of me, Derek Shepherd," she frowned. "Hiking. I'm hiking."

"I'm impressed."

"You should be."

"Completely."

"So...talking," she sighed, grabbing his arm when she almost slipped.

"Talking," he nodded, moving his arm to hold her steadier.

"About stuff so I don't end up yelling at you in front of the nurses."

"But then what will they talk about?"

"Probably about Addison and Alex having sex all over the hospital."

"They're not actually having sex, are they?" Derek frowned.

"No," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Alex has tried a couple times but...no, they're not having sex."

"Good," Derek nodded firmly.

"Though I do think Addie feeds the rumors," Meredith sighed, leaning closer into him.

"I think she's trying to get Mark to finally say it," Derek sighed.

"It's been how many years?" she groaned. "They were at it before us."

"I know," Derek sighed. "We met her at orientation and I'm pretty sure they slept together that day."

"So twenty years?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "And still haven't said anything."

"That's...pathetic," she rolled her eyes. "Completely pathetic."

"Thank you for agreeing with me," he sighed. "And Mark knows how he feels. He just doesn't want to say it."

"He's...Mark. Mark who hates me. But Mark."

"I'm going to talk to him about that."

"About what? Being Mark?"

"About hating you," Derek sighed. "I've spent nearly forty years trying to get him to stop being Mark, that's a lost cause."

"He didn't hate me before," she sighed. "I know...I mean the break up was bad and you did the tequila thing but..."

"He shouldn't hate you for it."

"But he does."

"Which is why I have to talk to him."

"Der...I know you didn't try to kill yourself. I know. But...after...how bad was it? Really?"

"I was a mess," he whispered. "There were a lot of nights just...it was bad. I didn't go on a date for two years after you."

"Oh," Meredith breathed, pulling away from him a little. "Oh."

"I got better in time," he sighed. "But...it wasn't your fault, Mer. You're not what broke me."

"I'm not?"

"No," he shook his head. "Leaving you was."

"But you wouldn't have left if I hadn't...we're not blaming ourselves."

"We're not," he nodded. "And maybe I had a reason to leave, maybe I didn't. The fact is...that's what hurt. Not what you did, but what I did."

"But Mark doesn't think so."

"Mark's a pompous ass."

"Who also happens to be your brother."

"I know."

"Der..."

"What?"

"We....I mean, before it all went to hell and I was a crappy girlfriend and a ghost and you were a busy intern...before everything bad...we were good together, right?"

"Oh, Mer," Derek smiled widely. "We were amazing together."

"Good," she breathed. "I just...I thought maybe I imagined it or...because ending and...I thought I imagined it."

"Definitely not," he shook his head. "We had something magical. And I know you're going to call that cheesy but it's what it was."

"It was," she smiled slightly. "But that was still cheesy."

"It was an amazing few months and...Europe...wow."

"Europe was...lots of sex," she giggled.

"It was a lot of sex."

"Normal people didn't have that much sex."

"It was an amazing month," he smirked.

"It really was," she giggled.

"And that includes the times we weren't having sex."

"There were times we weren't having sex?"

"Yes," he laughed. "There was the Eiffel Tower."

"Oh yeah," she smiled, leaning into him again. "And the Colosseum in Rome."

"There was that," he nodded. "And the walks in London."

"You loved the pubs," she giggled. "Barcelona."

"That was...amazing," he breathed.

"Completely," she murmured. "I...I went back."

"You did?"

"Right before I started med school," she nodded. "I just...I don't know why I went back."

"Because it was an awesome trip," he shrugged.

"No...just..." Meredith shook her head. "It wasn't as fun the second time around, Der."

"It wasn't?"

"No," she murmured, resting her head on his shoulder. "I just...I thought I was going to go find myself or whatever and it was...it wasn't the same."

"Missed me too much?" he whispered.

"Yeah," she breathed.

"Hmmm," he murmured. "An ex about five years ago wanted to go."

"Did you take her?"

"No," he shook his head.

"Is that why she's an ex?"

"No," he laughed softly, running a hand along her arm. "We just fizzled out."

"Hmmm," she sighed.

"Europe was ours."

"It was," she breathed.

"Hmm..." he nodded.

"You still haven't told me where you're taking me," she whispered.

"I know," he murmured.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Surprise."

"Are we close?"

"Getting there," he nodded. "Are you getting tired?"

"Definitely not tired," she shook her head against his shoulder.

"Good," he whispered.

"Good," she echoed.

"We're nearly there, promise."

"I hope you know I told Izzie we were going for a hike on your land. So she'll be able to tell the cops where to look if I disappear."

"You have your cell phone," he laughed softly. "And I swear five more minutes."

"What if my cell phone doesn't work out there?" she giggled, wrapping an arm around his waist.

"Than we'll just have to deal with the cops."

"So you are going to kill me."

"Definitely not," he murmured.

"I haven't done anything to justify killing in the past couple of days."

"You haven't," he nodded.

"Not that killing is ever justified but...you can't kill me. And Izzie knows we're somewhere out here."

"Mer, I promise I'm not going to kill you," he sighed, squeezing her tight to him for a second. "Close your eyes."

"Close my eyes?"

"Yes."

"Okay," she said carefully, closing her eyes. "And then you're going to come up behind me with a tree branch or a rabid squirrel or...something. And that will be it."

"You're holding onto me," he whispered. "I won't leave your side. Promise."

"Derek," she frowned, suddenly tense in his arms.

"Mer, relax, just showing you something."

"Okay," she sighed.

"Open them."

"No rabid..." she stopped mid giggle as she opened her eyes and then gasped slightly as she looked over a cliff at the sprawling landscape below her. "Der..."

"I know," he breathed.

"This is...wow," she murmured, turning to look at him.

"My favourite place on earth," he whispered.

"It's...you can see...Seattle," she breathed. "Derek this is..."

"There's not actually a word."

"How...why..."

"What?"

"I don't even know," she shook her head. "It's just...this is...amazing and wow and...I don't know."

"I didn't know this was here when I bought the land. And then one day I was walking and...I found it."

"What...what are you going to do with it?" she murmured, still staring at the landscape, tears shining in her eyes.

"I think I might build a house here."

"You should," she nodded. "You should definitely...this is amazing."

"That doesn't even fit it."

"It really doesn't," she agreed quietly. "You...a house would be...it would be amazing, Der. And this is...it's perfect. It's perfect and it's you and it's...it's perfect."

"Hmmm..." he nodded slowly, watching her carefully.

"You'd have to be careful though," she bit her lip. "I mean, if you're going to have kids. They could fall and...that was morbid, sorry.

"That was morbid," he'd laughed softly. "I'd make sure they were safe."

"Good," she murmured. "Derek this is..."

"I know."

"I'd..." she paused and shook her head. "This is better than the Cape."

"It is," he nodded slowly.

"So much better than the Cape," she murmured. "I think...you'd have to have a porch. And the master bedroom..." She trailed off.

"Looking out on this," he whispered.

"Yeah," she breathed.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Mer..."

"Yeah?" she whispered.

"There's....there's still something there. Between us."

She didn't say anything for a moment as her fingers played against the wristband of her watch, her eyes moving from the view to the ground. "Yes," she said softly.

"You...yes?"

"Yes," she nodded, still staring at the ground. "There's something...I...there's something.

"Twelve years and still something."

"It's...insane. But...Der..."

"We can't," he nodded. "At least...a lot happened between us."

"You left me," she nodded. "You left and we were...Derek, we weren't good. Our relationship...we can't."

"Our relationship was good."

"Until it wasn't."

"I know," he nodded. "But do we just ignore this?"

"I...I think we have to," she sighed. "I mean...maybe we just weren't good together, Der. Maybe...maybe it wasn't...meant to be or whatever."

"Mer, we were damn good together," he sighed.

"And yet you left me," she snapped and then took a deep breath. "Sorry."

"It's okay," he shrugged. "Maybe...before we do anything about...things, we have more talking to do."

"I just think...it probably wouldn't work, Derek."

"Mer," he frowned. "I'm not saying it would. We'll just...do what we've been doing. Talking and trying to be nice and working through this. And then we'll see."

"Talking," she nodded. "We just have to keep talking and...maybe it will go away."

"It might," he nodded. "We just...we're bringing things back up. Maybe once it's all settled...it will be easier."

"Maybe," she murmured.

"We both know it's there. We'll see where it goes."

"Okay," she sighed and then looked up at him. "Der..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you....nothing."

"What?" he asked gently.

"Do you want it go somewhere?"

"Oh," he murmured, blushing slightly. "I don't know."

"Me neither," she breathed. "I don't think..."

"Don't think?"

"I don't think I do."

"Oh."

"You left me," she whispered and then turned to start back down the trail.

"Mer, don't run away," he sighed, moving to catch up with her. "I get it."

"You get it?"

"I get that I left you and that...I get it."

"I don't...I can't trust you."

"I know," he nodded. "I said forever and then I left. I know."

"So maybe...it probably wouldn't work."

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Yeah," she echoed. "It's beautiful, Derek."

"It really is," he sighed.

"Hmmm," she echoed, falling into silence.

"Hmmm..." he murmured, looking back out at the landscape.