Who Would Have Thought

Chapter 7

He had to apologize. Sometime half way through the surgery he had looked up and seen her sitting there, a lot of determination on her face, of annoyance and sadness and he had felt like an ass. He was pretty sure not having her in his OR was probably the best decision but he immediately felt like a complete and total ass. He had to make it up to her.

He wasn't even sure if he could make it up to her. It had been her surgery. She had worked her ass off and it had been her surgery. And he had taken it from her, which made him feel like a complete and total ass. He had to apologize. He wasn't going to yell, he wasn't going to scream, he wasn't going to bring up anything that had happened twelve years ago. He was just going to apologize.

And then he would walk away. He had always sworn that he would do that but this time he was definitely going to do it. He was just going to say sorry, defend why he did what he did and just leave. And then he'd go back to avoiding her like he had been. Or maybe trying something different, talking or something without the fighting. Because they couldn't keep going like this.

It was ruining her career, it was making him look like an ass amongst his peers, and he was starting to wonder how long it would be before the Dr. Webber got involved. He couldn't throw away his hard work and he couldn't ruin her career just for twelve years of pent up anger. They had to get past this. They had to move past this and find a way to co-exist peacefully.

Which had to start with apologizing. "Meredith!" he called as he saw her blonde head bobbing down the hallway.

She slowed down, stopped, and then paused for a moment before turning to him. "Dr. Shepherd."

"We...I...I need to talk to you," he sighed.

"We agreed..."

"Meredith, we...I just need you to listen to me for give minutes," he frowned slightly.

"Okay," she sighed.

"Here? Or...can we go somewhere else?"

"Somewhere else is probably better," she nodded, watching the nurses who had somehow managed to move closer to them.

"Bench outside?" he asked.

"Okay," she smiled softly.

"Do you...coffee?" he offered as he led her out of the hospital.

"No, I'm fine, thank you," she sighed.

"Okay," he nodded, walking outside, her following behind.

"Okay," she breathed, sitting down on the bench outside the hospital. "I...congratulations. On the surgery."

"Oh...umm....thanks," he sighed. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry."

"Completely sorry," he nodded. "What I did was...unforgivable and wrong. You should have been there."

"I should have," she murmured.

"You deserved it and I shouldn't have let all the personal stuff keep you out of it."

"You really shouldn't have," she sighed.

"I know that," he nodded. "When I made the decision, I was thinking about the patients instead of thinking about you."

"And I know you had to do that but...Dr. Shepherd, I can put aside things. I can. For surgery and patients...I can't put aside things."

"I know you can," he sighed, trying not to wince at the use of his title. It shouldn't bug him but she had been calling him Derek and now he was just Dr. Shepherd. "I can't."

"You have to."

"I know that," he sighed. "I was wrong."

"Completely wrong. That was my surgery. You knew that. You and Ma---Dr. Sloan knew that."

"I know," he nodded. "You worked hard for it and you're...about a billion times better than Boyle will ever be."

"Boyle is an idiot," she giggled slightly.

"I honestly don't even know how he made it that far," he sighed. "I could have used you in there."

"Don't say that, Der...Dr. Shepherd," she shook her head. "That doesn't...that doesn't make it easier."

"Sorry," he murmured. "He just...sucked."

"I...he did."

"And...you deserved it," he shrugged. "That's what it comes down to. I can...you must have worked your ass off to get here. I can't hurt your career because of the mess we are."

"No you can't," she whispered.

It won't happen again."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry."

"So you said," Meredith sighed, fidgeting with the wristband of her watch.

"And I mean it."

"Okay," she whispered.

"Good," he nodded.

"I'm not apologizing," she looked up quickly. "I might have...but I'm not apologizing. Not this time."

"I don't expect you to," he shook his head.

"Good."

"Good."

"Okay..." she nodded, sneaking a sideways glance at him and then looking back down at her hands.

"We need to stop with the fighting," he sighed.

"I know we do," she nodded and then giggled slightly.

"Our screaming makes you giggle?"

"No," she shook her head. "No...that's...the screaming's bad. It's terrible and bad...but...what's happening because of our screaming, not me getting kicked out of surgery but other things. Other things are funny and...sorry. I shouldn't giggle."

"What other things?" he raised an eyebrow.

"You haven't heard?" she giggled again.

"I don't know if I've heard," he smiled slightly.

"I slept with Addison."

"You....what?"

"That's why we broke up," she laughed. "Or one of the reasons. Apparently, you caught me and Addison in bed."

"I wouldn't have broken up with you if I caught you in bed with Addison," he laughed.

"Dirty!" she gasped as she giggled, slapping his arm. "That's...you're dirty. And I'm telling Mark on you."

"Mark would agree with me. That's not something you get mad about. That's something you join in."

"That's...your dirty," she shook her head. "But then again...that actually upholds the other reason we broke up."

"Another reason?"

"Your very serious porn addiction."

"I have a porn addiction?"

"Apparently."

"Well I heard you killed my dog."

"Oh that's an old one," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Well I'm sorry I'm not as caught up on gossip as you," he rolled his eyes back at her.

"I caught you in bed with Mark."

"That's just...wrong," he grimaced.

"I know," she laughed.

"I slept with a scrub nurse, only to find out later she was stalking me. But it was too late...I had already lost you."

"I slept with your dead dog's vet."

"I shaved my head and you couldn't stand it."

"I had a mad wild love affair with Mark."

"I had a mad wild love affair with Addison."

"You were considering a sex change."

"I had a secret wife."

"I had a secret love child with my professor."

"You weren't able to orgasm anymore and it killed my fragile ego."

"Well you couldn't get it up."

"Which would explain why you couldn't orgasm."

"It would."

"I stole money from your checking account," he laughed softly. "I'm apparently a jerk."

"You also killed my mom," she giggled ever so slightly.

"There are times I wanted to," he sighed. "Of course, was that before or after you had amnesia and couldn't remember me, so I dumped you out of frustration?"

"Oh, that must have been after my wild and crazy kinkiness that you couldn't handle because you couldn't get it up," Meredith giggled.

"Wait...wild and crazy kinkiness?"

"Yes, I had a sex addiction."

"Well...that's nearly true," he smiled slightly. "Not that I'd end things because of that."

"Derek!" she gasped.

"I'm just saying...you liked sex. And there wasn't anything wrong with that."

"I wasn't a sex addict," she giggled.

"I know that," he laughed.

"And you better not...you better not encourage that rumor," she shook her head.

"But that's a fun one. Better than me sleeping with Mark."

"I think my favorite is we found out we were cousins," she giggled again, leaning into him slightly.

"Cousins? That's messed up," he shook his head, smiling softly at her.

"Almost as messed up as me finding out I'm a lesbian," she rested her hand gently on his forearm.

"Lesbian? Really?"

"Really."

"It would explain why you slept with Addie."

"I'm sorry I killed your dog," she breathed.

"Oh it's okay," he murmured. "I'm sorry I took money from your checking account."

"It's okay," she whispered. "I'm sorry I couldn't orgasm."

"I'm sorry I couldn't get it up," he sighed, his hand covering her hand that was still resting on his forearm.

"I'm sorry about the Mark thing," she squeezed his hand gently.

"I'm sorry about the Addie thing."

"Me too."

"I'd say I'm sorry about the Mark thing too but I'm not going to even pretend that one happened," he laughed softly.

"I'm sorry about the secret love child with the professor," she giggled.

"I'm sorry for shaving my head. That was pretty stupid."

"It really was," her other hand moved to brush a curl off his forehead.

"Do you think they'd be disappointed to find out how boring and tragic is really all was?" he whispered.

"Probably," she murmured softly.

"I'm sorry," he breathed, squeezing her hand.

"Me too," she murmured.

"So..."

"So..."

"We should..." he sighed, his eyes falling to their hands still tangled together.

"I probably have patients or something," she said, pulling her hand away.

"Yeah, me too," he nodded, stretching his hand out.

"So um..."

"This was..."

"We didn't fight," she pointed out.

"We didn't," he smiled. "That was good."

"We're...apparently you can control yourself."

"Actually...I didn't have to," he shrugged. "I didn't, I didn't want to yell."

"Oh."

"But that's....improvement."

"It is," she nodded carefully. "I didn't want to yell either."

"Good," he nodded. "Maybe...maybe we can do this."

"I don't...you kicked me out of surgery, Der...Dr. Shepherd."

"I know," he sighed. "I was an ass."

"That's nothing..." she shook her head quickly.

"I know saying I'm sorry doesn't make what I did go away."

"No it doesn't."

"But...I can't go back," he shrugged. "I can't go back and undo things so...sorry is the best I have to offer you."

"I know," she murmured. "Me too."

"I don't expect us to become friends. After everything it's...I just, we work together. And you didn't deserve what happened to you. We have to stop fighting."

"I know we do, Derek. And I try. You're the one..."

"I'm not..." he snapped and then stopped himself and took a deep breath. "We just...both need to stop."

"I'm stopping. I tried to stop. And...I'm going to go inside."

"Good idea," he nodded. "Before...yeah, good idea."

"So..." she stood up, her eyes downcast. "Sorry. About the Addie thing and...everythign else even though that wasn't what it was. But I'm sorry. For things and...inside. I'm going inside." She turned and walked back into the building, biting her lower lip.

They hadn't fought. He had managed to apologize, to talk to her without screaming and wanting to shake her. It had dissolved a bit at the end but he had managed a good fifteen minutes of actually talking to her, of kind of enjoying being around her. Of holding her hand. He hadn't even known where that come from. They were laughing and then they were holding hands.

It had been...he wasn't sure what it was. But for a moment, he had forgotten everything. He had forgotten how angry he was at her, he had forgotten the past twelve years and it had just been more...them. Them before her mom. Them before his intern year. Them before they had managed to break each other. And then it had passed and he had fought the urge to fight again.

Which was good. At least it was good that he had fought the urge, fought to remember to breathe instead of yelling at her about things that happened so long ago. He figured it was a step. Being able to breathe and walk away before the fight turned into something bigger was a step. And maybe eventually he would get over the anger entirely or something. But steps were good.

He just had to remember this for next time. He had to remember to walk away before a fight exploded. If he could do that, if he could remember to just be them and not hate her for all the things that had happened twelve years ago, maybe this could work. Maybe they could continue to take steps and actually find a way to be around each other.

Because being around each other was nice. At one point he had been in love with her and just talking to her again, really talking, and laughing with her had reminded him why he had even liked her in the first place. He just had to concentrate on that instead of when everything went to hell for them. He didn't expect them to ever be anything close to friends, but they could be better than this.