Secrets and Suspicion (Book 1)

Disbelief

Anakin and Padmé sat down in their bedroom the night of Ahsoka's final trial. They were both extremely wrecked by Ahsoka's refusal to join the Jedi Order once again. They sat on Anakin's side of the bed, the side nearest to the door.

"I can't believe it. She was like a daughter to me, sometimes like a sister. I loved her. I always will," Padmé cried.

Anakin faced her and put both arms around her. They just sat there, holding each other for a long time, crying. For Padmé, it had been full-on tears, but for Anakin, it had been remnants of tears from earlier. Only Padmé had ever known Anakin would be so upset. Right after Ahsoka had left, he sat outside the Temple for hours, grieving over her absence, not believing his Padawan, his best friend, his daughter, his sister, had left him. And she had left not only him, but the entire Jedi Order, the entire Republic.

Padmé was right. She was so much like a daughter or a little sister, someone that Anakin looked out for 24/7.

"Anakin," Padmé said, wiping her tear stained cheeks, "Have you ever told her how much you appreciated her work?"

Anakin thought for a moment. He had never told her that before. He had never thought about it. He looked to the opposite direction of Padmé, down at the floor. After a long time of silence, he answered, "No. I didn't ever think about it before now. I didn't even tell her she meant so much to me." His voice continued to raise higher and higher, soon becoming a yell. "I never told her she was like a sister to me! Or even a daughter! I should have!" He threw his lightsaber against the wall, hard, so hard there was a big, deep dent.

"I'm sorry, Anakin, I didn't mean to-"

"It's not your fault," he said, through bared teeth, in a hard voice. The thought that Ahsoka wouldn't be on the next mission alongside him was unbelievable. He held his head in his hands, and his elbows set on his knees.

Both were quiet for a long time. They were thnking. Absorbing the true fact that Ahsoak was gone.

"I'm sorry," Padmé repeated, feeling as if she caused him to be so angry. Anakin just kept sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. Finally, though, he lifted his head.

"I'm going to the jail to deal with Barriss," he said coldly, reaching for his lightsaber.

"Anakin," Padmé said, her voice shaking."That's not the Jedi way."

Anakin gripped his belt, an empty holster where his lightsaber belonged.
"Where's my lightsaber?" He stared at Padmé.

"Anakin," she said again. She stood up from the bed, and faced him.

"Where is it?" he said in a loud voice.

"I...."

"Tell me!"

"I hid it. I...I knew you would try to use it to deal with Barriss," she admitted.

"What?" He scowled. "I asked, where is it?"

"Anakin, revenge isn't the Jedi way!" Padmé shouted. She sat, as tears welled up in her eyes. "It's in your closet on top of your dresser drawer."

He crossed his arms. He knew she was right. Revenge wasn't the Jedi way. He walked slowly to his closet, picked up his lightsaber and placed it in it's holster on his belt. He sat down on the edge of the bed again, next to Padmé.

"Sorry," she whispered, her voice breaking. She put her arms around him and rested her head on his chest.

"No, I'm the one who should be sorry. This was about--" He couldn't say her name. She was gone now. The name wouldn't come to his lips. "--her," he finished. "Not us, not Barriss, not about my lightsaber." He kissed the top of her head.

"I forgive you." She looked up at him, and her eyes filled with tears.

"I know," he said, tucking a fallen section of her hair behind her ear.

Suddenly, her face contorted into a grimace.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his eyebrows coming together.

"That pain in my stomach again," Padmé said, trying very hard to act like everything was fine, even though pain traveled like lightning across her stomach.

"Lie down, it'll help," Anakin said. He covered her with the several layers of blankets on the bed. He kissed her forehead. "Do you want anything?"

"Yes. I want Ahsoka back."