A chance to love again

I

Sanem

"Bis, bis, bis...we, we, we. Don't say we now Sanem.
If everything was so special between us  nothing would have happened Sanem.
You now, to me, are like anyone else."

Those words had been a dagger violently inflicted on my heart, I had put my trust in him when he had promised me one day that he would never let anyone call me "The Other" again.

Now he's here yelling at me, with all the breath in his throat, that I'm the other who is no more special to him than any other.
Is it possible that the great love he claimed to have for me didn't even pass the first test he was put to?
Is it possible that he can say it's all over without even trying to hear my reasons or trying to understand my point of view?

I don't recognize the albatross I fell in love with in this angry man, who brutally clutches my arms, who takes my head in his huge hands to scream in front of my bewildered face words full of resentment.

My hands are trembling with disbelief and disappointment at what is happening, once again I have made a mistake, I have hidden a truth that I should have brought out right away, but then again I was sure that the result would have been the same.
Can would have had the exact same reaction, he would still have excluded me from his life, even though I did what I did precisely to allow him to live that life as a free man.

- We, here.... that night at the cabin... should there be any consequences....-.

- Don't worry Can, I already know there were no consequences, don't worry.
You can peacefully leave for the Balkans with Polen, running away from everyone and everything as you have always done in your life so far, you don't have to worry about anything -

-I am not leaving with Polen, I...-

- Hoşçakal, goodbye Can-.

I turn around and walk down the path as if in a trance, I can't realize that all this really happened.

A figure in the darkness of the path makes me jump, it's Polen who has been eavesdropping until now to enjoy Can's screams against me and take her revenge.
I look at her without speaking.

- I thought I would wait until you left to talk to Can about the preparations for our imminent departure.

I don't answer her, I continue walking leaving the hut in anguish and deep despair, it's late now and in that isolated place it's impossible to find a cab.

I try to call the company to get one, but up there the phone doesn't always pick up so I'm forced to walk a long way to the side of the mountain road, I don't even realize how much time has passed, I just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and getting away from that place.

My mind is an unbroken swirl of ifs, maybe, who knows, seamless while in a corner of my mind I realize that apparently he will be spending the night at the cabin with Polen.
As I'm formulating that thought my foot loses grip with the slippery ground on either side of the road and I find myself rolling down the slope toward the woods below. Dirt and bushes scratch my face and hands while shreds of my clothes are torn from the brambles. My fall is abruptly interrupted by a sharp blow of my chest against the trunk of a tree.

I struggle to get up realizing that I have obviously sprained my wrist in an attempt to hold on to something and stop the fall, I feel a terrible pain and I am forced to hold it with my hand to give me relief, while the blow against the trunk has taken my breath away. I struggle up the slope of the cliff while simultaneously holding my side and my sore wrist with my healthy hand. I get back on the road, my hands continue to shake but I finally manage to call and get a cab to take me home.
I silently go inside and lock myself in the safe haven of my room where I can finally let go of the tears that have been pressing for hours and give free rein to my sadness and deep disappointment.

I spend the sleepless night as if in a long interminable nightmare, the first light of dawn finds me curled up in bed aching and exhausted after all the tears that it is humanly possible to shed have been shed.
As I begin to hear the house wake up, my mother's voice coming downstairs to go make breakfast, my sister coming into the bathroom to get ready to go to work, I redeem myself from the state of prostration that has overtaken me during the night, I tell myself that perhaps I have allowed myself to be subjugated by self-pity.

I struggle to get up realizing that I have obviously sprained my wrist in an attempt to hold on to something and stop the fall, I feel a terrible pain and I am forced to hold it with my hand to give me relief, while the blow against the trunk has taken my breath away. I struggle up the slope of the cliff while simultaneously holding my side and my sore wrist with my healthy hand. I get back on the road, my hands continue to shake but I finally manage to call and get a cab to take me home.

I silently go inside and lock myself in the safe haven of my room where I can finally let go of the tears that have been pressing for hours and give free rein to my sadness and deep disappointment.

I spend the sleepless night as if in a long interminable nightmare, the first light of dawn finds me curled up in bed aching and exhausted after all the tears that it is humanly possible to shed have been shed.

As I begin to hear the house wake up, my mother's voice coming downstairs to go make breakfast, my sister coming into the bathroom to get ready to go to work, I redeem myself from the state of prostration that has overtaken me during the night, I tell myself that perhaps I have allowed myself to be subjugated by self-pity.

I sit up with difficulty on the bed driven by a faint feeling of hope, maybe after a night of rest his anger has subsided and he will allow me to talk and explain.

I pull off the covers driven by a new feeling of optimism, yes it has to be like this, I'm sure that today we will be able to talk and explain, it has to be like this, it can't all end like this between us, we love each other and we can overcome any misunderstanding. I find it difficult to move because of the pain in my chest and my wrist is swollen and definitely hurts, I notice some deep scratches on my hands and I approach the mirror only to see that I have several abrasions on my face, fortunately less deep.

I lift my pajama shirt and see that I have an extensive bruise where I hit the tree trunk. I sprinkle it with a soothing ointment, bandage my wrist and try to mask the marks on my face with foundation.

I get ready to go to the agency confident in this new day, I feel that if I can talk to him I can make him understand that what I did was only done out of love, I have to believe that it works, I have to believe in the strength of the love we shared, I have to believe it enough for both of us.