A chance to love again

XXXII

Sanem

I hear the sound of water running in the shower, I air myself out with one hand, I'm suddenly hot at the thought of him ....

Ah Sanem Ah, is this the time for such thoughts? It must be the pregnancy hormones, I tell myself.

The storm continues to rage and it is out of the question for me to go and ask Elisa to borrow some of Andrea's clothes for Can to wear.

I look around thoughtfully but I can't think of anything of mine that could fit him, he is too imposing. In the end I opt for a plaid, the water has stopped flowing, I knock on the door, open a small crack and put my hand inside with the plaid being careful to turn my face to the other, as if I hadn't already seen what there is to see I say to myself raising my eyes to the sky with a sarcastic smile.

- Here, take this, I don't have anything else that can cover you properly.

I hear him chuckle from the other side of the door as he pulls the plaid away.

-  Give me your wet clothes and I'll try to spread them out to dry them a bit - I hear him handing them to me and I hurry to withdraw my hand and close the door - He's laughing too, I was almost scared to death to see him in that torrential rain, lashed by strong gusts of wind with a sea and a threatening sky as a background.

He could have been struck by lightning standing there in the middle of the beach!

I hang  his clothes on the clothesline next to the door and lean on the jamb to look at the stormy sea, I can't go any further, the rain pushed by the wind manages to get almost up to there, lashing the whole porch. Another bolt of lightning rips through the leaden sky, I stiffen up waiting for the rumble of thunder that comes soon after, there's nothing I can do, I just can't get used to thunderstorms.

I hear a movement behind me and I turn instinctively, I open my mouth to speak but I remain impaled on the spot, I can hardly stop myself from waving a hand in front of my face to make sure I'm not dreaming, I compose myself and swallow, stiffening. He doesn't think he's going to walk around like that?

He has the plaid tied to his hips while his bare chest is still wet as well as his hair loose on his shoulders. He could at least dry himself blessed boy, couldn't he? The tattoo of the albatross that I loved so much is in full view, strutting in the middle of the living room of my flat, I also seem to notice a hint of satisfied smile on his slap-face.

No, no, that won't do at all.

I hurry to the couch where there's the blanket I've been using until a little while ago, I go around him and I wrap it well on his back and then I pass in front of him and I tighten it properly, I take one hand of him and I bring it to hold the flaps and well covered his chest.

I hurriedly walk away looking at the result of my work, now that's much better. Sighing I approach the front door again to look at the stormy sea, just like my emotions, and to regain some composure, but suddenly anger mounts again, I turn to look at him angrily.

-Explain to me what the hell you thought you were doing out there? Huh? Do you have any idea how scared you made me? You could have been struck by lightning, you know that? -

- Sakin ol, calm down, nothing happened quietly -

- Nothing happened, but it could have happened, what were you thinking? Why didn't you go take cover somewhere? -

- Because I didn't want to get away from you, I don't ever want to get away from you again actually Sanem. I can't believe I've found you again, when you disappeared into thin air I felt lost and now that I know where you are I'd camp here under your windows just to be near you.

His words cut deep cracks in the wall I've built around my heart to defend myself from him, from my love for him, which I now know it could also destroy me, already what he told me during our conversation today at the restaurant is still to be assimilated and processed.

I go back to looking out to the sea, we remain silent for what seems like an eternity, then in a faint  voice, the voice of the deepest pain that I have hidden beyond that wall, I tell him.

- That's not what you shouted at me that night Can "you be like anyone else to me now", that's what you said, no one special in your life, it's not easy to forget those words as it's not easy to trust you now.

I feel him approach, he rests a hand on my arm but I instinctively pull away, I can't let him touch me, it makes me too helpless, I can't afford it right now.

-Sanem, I can never ask your forgiveness enough for that night, for my thoughtless words, for my caterpillar-like gestures. I'm beginning to understand why I spilled that anger on you, but it wasn't really directed at you, if you want one day I'll explain, this is not the time to do it-

I turn to look into his eyes -Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? -

He closes his eyes and nods - Yes Sanem, I realised it too late, but in the end I did, özür dilerim, I apologise Sanem, forgive me if you can -

I shake my head - I don't know if I can, I need time to understand it -

We both remain silent, for the moment there are no words to say. I need to calm down and think about what to do, I'm confused and I can't make any decisions right now.