A chance to love again

XXI

Sanem

A night of restless sleep has given way to a beautiful spring day, although I'm not feeling exactly rested I'm optimistic, today I'll finally get to see Osman again after a long time.
I'm happy for him, he's having great success as a model and he told me he was very happy during one of our last phone calls, he met a Spanish model and they've been together for about three months.
I'm sitting at the wrought iron table on the veranda sipping tea, installing the new data sim on my tablet and logging on to check my email inbox.
Thinking of Osman, I search the browser for Elegance, the brand he is working for at the moment, browsing through the news about the latest collections in the hope of finding information about where exactly the photo shoots will be on the island in the coming days so as to surprise him.

I'm not very lucky, I can't find any news about the new summer collection while there is a lot of talk about the launch of the spring one.
I open an article in a famous Turkish newspaper which talks about the presentation event which took place a few days before. In the video that I play, they talk about the beauty of the new collection and how the launch for the Turkish market, by Fikri Harika, was a great success.
I am surprised by the coincidence and stop to watch it curiously, I see images of Deren on stage surrounded by beautiful models who parade wearing the new collection, the room is framed full of people and then a final tracking shot of the celebrities present at the evening. For a moment the camera frames someone in the audience, my heart skips a beat, there's Polen holding a hand on Can's arm while they talk to Osman.

Why can those images do so much to me?

I close my eyes as I feel my heart squeezed by an unspeakable grip of pain.
How can you look at the man you thought was yours, yours forever, next to another?

I leave the page putting the tablet aside, I get up to lean against the balustrade to look at the sea, trying to take deep breaths to regain control of my emotions.

" Sanem, what are you surprised about? You know they got back together from that night at the cabin, you saw them kissing the next morning, why are you so hurt by seeing him with her?
You need to get over it, you need to move on, you're here to heal and start a new life."
For a moment I feel an insistent twinge in my lower abdomen, I bring a hand on my abdomen continuing to take deep breaths.

Sakin ol, calm down Sanem, these strong emotions are not good for the baby, you must be strong, you must not let negative thoughts oppress you.
Instinctively I move from the veranda to go down to the beach, I leave my shoes near a bush and go and sit on an old boat that has been washed up by some local fisherman. I look out to sea and I can't help crying, I need to and I think it's also good for me to vent the disappointment and anguish I feel inside, companions of my every day and every night.
I cry as I have never been able to do until now, in front of so much beauty by contrast I finally manage to get out all my sadness, the disappointment for what I had imagined could be and instead has not been nor ever will be.

I cry, cry, cry until I have no more tears to shed and then I remain quiet with my mind and body emptied of every thought and every tension, I let the feeling of emptiness that I feel help me slowly to come back to myself.

I think I've been standing there for hours looking at the quiet sea, on that beautiful sunny day when the beauty of what surrounds me should have only inspired joy of life and wonder.

I hear someone approaching, it is Andrea who comes towards me smiling until he can clearly see my face, changes expression and unconsciously slows down the pace perhaps fearing to be indiscreet.

- Hi Andrea, were you looking for me? - I invite him to come closer wiping my eyes furtively.

- Yes, here, I saw you from the terrace and I came to tell you that if you want in the afternoon, around 5pm, I will go to the village to accompany other guests if you need to go -

I nod, picking my nose, I was actually thinking of going to wait for Osman to arrive at the port.

- Thank you, yes actually I do need to go to the port, I have to meet someone -

- You need to meet the person who makes you so sad? That makes you cry? I mean, sorry it's none of my business, but it makes me furious that someone could have hurt you so deeply.
You seem like a good person to me, you could be my sister, you could be Elisa and I wouldn't let anyone hurt her like this -

I smile at his words, my hosts are definitely adorable, his words somehow manage to lift my mood. I get up and together with him I head back home.

- No, don't worry, actually I have to meet a guy who is like a brother to me, if he had seen me right now he would have had the same reaction as you, I'm sure.

It will pass, Andrea, with time.

But let's change the subject, tell me about yourself, what do you do here all year round? -

- Actually, I'm not here all year round, I'm a biologist and I'm waiting to leave for a mission in Antarctica, I'm part of a group of researchers working at the Concordia base, the permanent Italian research station in that territory.

I was already there a year ago and now I'm waiting to go again -

I am pleasantly surprised, I thought that this was his usual activity, but instead he is a researcher. I begin to ask him about the animal species that live there and we end up having lunch together in the residence's restaurant, so much so that he involves me with his stories about this unique place in the world.

At coffee time Elisa joins us, she too is not the usual occupation, she will replace for a while the cook of the residence who is currently on maternity leave. She is a freelance journalist, she writes for several magazines and newspapers, she tells me enthusiastically about her job and she also begins to tell funny anecdotes of travels and strange encounters she had during her career.

They tell me that they are taking care of the residence their parents own while they are in Spain for a holiday before the busy summer season begins.

It seems a strange coincidence that I chose this place at the very moment that both of them are here temporarily, it seems as if it was fate that made me meet them, they are two wonderful people and in their company I feel relaxed and carefree like Sanem who spent endless afternoons chatting with Ayhan and Osman.

Speaking of Osman, I say goodbye to them to go and rest for a few hours before going to the port to wait for his arrival, I can't wait to embrace him again, I'm sure that his closeness will be a panacea for me, it has been in the past and it will always be in the future too, I'm sure of it.