A chance to love again

XXXVIII

Sanem

I need to go, I need to spend some time alone to think and understand what I want for my future, I asked Elisa to rent her neighbour's flat for me and now we are leaving Ischia together to reach the town of Camogli.

I go to the stern of the ferry to say goodbye with a last look at the island that has been a refuge and a soothing place for me, both body and soul. While I am lost in my thoughts I see a boat coming out of the mouth of the port that looks familiar. While we were together Can had once taken me to see his boat in the harbour, I can now easily recognise it, it is the one that at this moment seems to be in pursuit of the ferry I am on.

For a long time I watch her lightly and elegantly skimming the waves and getting closer and closer until I can clearly see who is steering it at that moment, I can feel his gaze on me once again as if it were a gentle caress, I feel shivers running down my spine, but I also feel his contrition for leaving.

My heart tightens at the thought of him following me, I wish he wouldn't have done that, I wish he would have accepted my request for time and space to breathe and think. I tried to make him understand my need to look deep inside myself to be able to understand if the love I have always felt and, I am aware, will always feel for him is able to overcome what happened.

I can't think of going back to him, opening my heart to him once again, putting it in his hands and then living in uncertainty and fear that the difficulties that life puts in the path of every couple could one day lead him to cast it aside as if it were something insignificant.

I also badly need to know that I am capable of being Sanem as Sanem with her strengths and weaknesses, not the daughter of Mr and Mrs Aydin or the girlfriend of Can Divit. I need to take charge of myself for a while, I don't know how long, but long enough to make sure I'm able to stand on my own two feet without needing anyone's support.

I pull my phone out of my bag and send him a message, hopefully it will help him understand what I'm feeling and what I want at this time in my life. After doing so I look back at his boat and at him, Elisa comes up shortly after, she gently strokes my arm to give me comfort and follows the direction of my gaze.

- Is that him? Is that your Can? -

I nod.

- My goodness, I didn't expect it, do you realize that that wonderful boy is romantically chasing you all over the Gulf of Naples? Sanem, are you sure you don't want to get off this ferry and get on that boat? Please think about it, even if he made a lot of mistakes, it seems to me that he's showing in every way that he cares about you and wants to make up for his mistakes.

I sigh, continuing to stare at the unmistakable silhouette I can see at the helm of the elegant boat that is following us.

- It's true Elisa, I can't deny it, but if I did it now it would only be because I love him and I don't want to lose him not because I'm convinced that it can really work between us, I would always have the doubt that I haven't forgiven him and the fear that he might put me aside again to destroy me for good this time. I have to become strong for myself first and foremost and for my son, I want to be alone away from my family and him, I don't want to depend on anyone.

Can you understand that?

I just want some time, it's not a definitive escape, I want to come back when I feel stronger, safer, sure that I have overcome the disappointment and resentment that has driven me in the last months, I have to grow and mature and I have to do it alone-

Elisa nods and embraces me in a hug of sincere affection, maybe I finally managed to make someone understand my need to know myself and grow.

I keep watching her boat until, near the harbour, it turns to go probably to the docking area reserved for small boats, I follow those sails until they disappear behind the small port of delimitation with the main port.

Sighing, I move towards the prow of the ferry to get ready to set sail and meet this new phase of life, the one in which I discover who I am and who I really want to be.