A chance to love again

XXX

Sanem

I have had a restless night and a fairly heavy wake up because of the usual nausea, I go out onto the terrace to take a breath of air before getting dressed and going up for breakfast when I cannot believe my eyes. He is here again, he has equipped himself well this time, he has a mat and a rucksack which I imagine contains everything needed to spend the day there, Allah, Allah, what does he think he is doing?
He sees me and raises his hand as a sign of greeting, it moves me even just to see him from afar, ah Sanem ah, try to behave like an adult and sensible woman and not like a teenager in love. I go back home without returning his gesture, he must understand that he is not welcome, I get dressed, go upstairs to have breakfast and then go back home, I am tired and I just want to read a bit and rest, he is always there, he has not moved an inch.
Stubborn as a Turkish mule!

However, I must begin to admit that his perseverance strikes me, why is he doing all this? I spend a restless morning on the sofa during which I can't understand a single line of the page I read over and over again, distracted by the idea that he is out there.

Every now and then I sneak up to the door to see if he is still there.

At lunchtime I go out onto the terrace and he is no longer there, I shake my head not knowing how to feel about the idea either.
I go up to the dining room and sit at the usual table, Andrea is not here today, he went to Naples for some errands, all the other tables are occupied by the regular guests that I got to know in the past few days, they come from all over the world.

I look towards the sea, the window is right above my terrace, and I can't help but look at the spot where Can was a few hours before, who knows where he's gone. Perhaps, discouraged by my lack of interest, he is going back to Turkey.
My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the chair in front of me being moved, I turn around surprised that someone is sitting at my table since Andrea is not there and I remain open-mouthed. There he is, with his best smile on his face, taking a seat and saying - You don't mind, do you? There are no other seats available at the moment -

The waitress comes over to take my order and gives me time to catch my breath and regain some composure. I turn to look at the sea again with the intention of ignoring him, I hear him sigh then, unexpectedly, I feel his hand take mine across the table.

- Sanem, lutfen, can you please listen to me for a few minutes? -

I don't answer, I remain silent, at this point it would be childish to get up and leave, I sigh and nod keeping my gaze down, let him say what he has to say.

- Look at me please Sanem, don't make the mistake I made that morning at the agency, I apologise for that, I shouldn't have behaved like that in the evening at the cabin and then the next morning at the agency, if I had looked up at you I would have realised you were ill, that something was wrong, forgive me.

I'm here to ask for your forgiveness, forgiveness for everything I've done, for my morbid attachment to that perfume that led me to react so abruptly, that perfume isn't you Sanem, I have no use for the vial you gave me, there's no you, there's no your skin to make it wonderful, there's no your smile, there's no your hug.
That perfume is nothing without you. Forgive me Sanem.

I'm here to ask your forgiveness for having spoken to you like that that night, you made a loving gesture by giving away your recipe to set me free and I repaid you by shouting at you and leaving marks on your skin with such strength that I held your arms. Now I understand that yours was a beautiful gesture that was repaid in the worst possible way. Forgive me Sanem.

I'm here to ask your forgiveness for not taking you home, for not making sure you got into a taxi, I never imagined you could walk, I thought if you had any problems you would come back, my stupid pride didn't let me think that night. Forgive me Sanem.

I am here to ask your forgiveness for never taking a firm stand in getting Polen out of my life, out of our life. She only managed to create misunderstandings between us, I wasn't with her that night Sanem, she wanted you to believe it, she came back shortly after you had left and asked me to sleep there so that she wouldn't have to drive through the mountain roads at night, I absent-mindedly gave her permission. I spent the whole night in front of the fire thinking about what had happened. The next morning she made you believe that we had slept together, as she made you see HER kissing me, a moment after I had told her to leave and never be seen again. She saw you coming and did it so you could witness a scene that was all a bluff. If I had sent her away earlier in a more resolute and decisive manner, she could never have plotted against us. Forgive me Sanem.

I'm here to ask your forgiveness for even thinking that it was over between us, that I could live without you, I realised my huge mistake the next morning when I saw you lying lifeless on the floor of the agency, I was dying at the thought of losing you as I am dying at the thought that you might not forgive me. I am working and will continue to work on the reasons why I took certain attitudes, I promise it will never happen again, please forgive me Sanem -

It's too much, too much all at once to process, I don't know what to think.

My world seems to have been turned upside down, I don't feel well, my heart is pounding mad from all the revelations his words have brought.

I get up in a rush, I can't, I have to go.

- Sorry, I need to be alone for a while -

I leave the restaurant in utter confusion, I can't assimilate all the revelations he's made to me in the space of five minutes, each of his words needs to be processed and digested, I need to understand what they mean to me, now that I've listened I need to figure out what I'm going to do, can I risk trusting him again?