A chance to love again

IX

Sanem

I open my eyes and I see Can, I look at him for a few moments thinking that he's as beautiful as ever, I'm definitely daydreaming I think, but then in a flash of lucidity I realize that it's him, he's in my room in the middle of the night and that realization takes my breath away, I didn't expect him to come.

Just seeing him is enough for my heart to start beating uncontrollably against my aching chest, he's looking at me with an intense gaze, I don't know what's going through his mind, I only know that I have to defend myself from him, he's hurt me too much, I have to exclude him from my life if I want to think I can start a new one without him.

He's made his choice, he's chosen Polen, I can't help but take note of it and go on knowing that I'm alone, that I have to make difficult decisions if necessary, that I have to be strong and protect myself from the terrible pain that even seeing him causes me.

He apologizes, he is embarrassed and seems sincerely regretful, I accept his apology and say goodbye making it clear that we have nothing more to give each other.

He seems to want to add something, but the arrival of the nurse who invites him to leave my room prevents him from doing so. He gives me one last look, he seems almost disconsolate, but I can't allow myself to think about his feelings, in this moment I have to be firm, resolute, I have to protect myself and.... I can't even think about it, I still can't accept that this is happening.

That night at the cabin, finally back in each other's arms, together again after a separation that had been torment and suffering for me, I was ecstatic to have found him again, it seemed like a dream come true.
I felt that this reconciliation would be the beginning of our forever, that we would never leave each other again.
I let my love, my acerbic but disruptive desire, lead me to trust and give myself completely to him on that night where everything seemed possible, where we finally had our happy ending.

Ah Sanem ah, what a naive fool you are, you've always been a dreamer, you trusted him by imagining to see reflected in his eyes with the same intensity the love that was burning in you.
You let things go further because you thought it was right, that that moment would seal your eternal love.

I had wanted to be blind to everything, I had closed my eyes to the fact that, as soon as he had learned the truth about my role in the plot hatched by Emre and Aylin, he had cast me aside and come back to strut his stuff with Polen in front of my eyes, I had to imagine that he would eventually return to her. They had been together so many years, evidently they were cut from the same cloth without me wanting to admit it, both narcissistic and self-centred.

I should have realised I couldn't compete with that beautiful, cultured, classy and fashionable woman, Can had obviously wanted to fool around with the simple and naive little girl from the neighbourhood before going back to her.

I would like not to think about it, but I can't, a thought keeps turning in my head ever since I woke up in a hospital bed and knew I had risked my life.
While I could have been dying at the bottom of a cliff, they were together and they were probably laughing at me, at the stupid girl who had just told him that because they loved each other they would overcome anything.

This idea hurt me more than anything else, I had been an amusing interlude for Can, he had played with me and I had thought well of giving him all my heart and all of myself like a stupid, clueless girl.

Now I would have to face the consequences of my reckless actions, I would have to make important decisions for my future, I had to learn to defend my heart, lock it and never let anyone who didn't deserve it get close again.

The next day I would be discharged, recovery would not be easy but it would give me time to reflect and understand what I was going to do, everything would change soon, my life was destined to never be the same again.