A chance to love again

XXXVII

Can

It won't be easy, but I must do what she has asked me to do, I must give her time to think.
I feel a fragility in her that I have never felt before, I am aware that she is still recovering from a serious accident and it is not the right time to press her.

I can't resist and, as night falls, I go back to leave her a message, then I hide in the dark, I see her leaning over the balustrade and smiling. Good, I want her to be happy, I want to see her wonderful smile return.

After a restless night I can only resist until mid-morning without going back to her, I'd like to see her from afar, just knowing she's near is enough. I go down to the beach and look for her in her favourite spot, but she is not there behind the boat, maybe she is on the balcony? I lean out of the wall of the nearby building to peek in the direction of her flat and I see a lady struggling with a broom and mop, strange, until now she had not needed anyone for cleaning, at least that's what I had seen in the days when I had observed her.

An insidious thought began to make its way into my head: "I need time and space to think and heal, perhaps even from the anger that has taken hold of me for what has happened, I must learn to stand on my own two feet, understand what I want and if I can really overcome and forgive.
I start to run towards the residence and hurry up the stairs to her flat, the gate isn't closed, I enter with shortness of breath and my heart beating wildly, I see the cleaning lady I had noticed from the beach - Madam, excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the young lady who is staying here? -

- The lady is gone, she left the flat this morning -

An icy terror takes hold of me.
No, no, she can't disappear into thin air again, my worst nightmare is coming true, I'm losing her again.

I run back to the road, I take the scooter and break every rule of the road code, running like crazy through the narrow streets of the town that I had learned to love because it had given her back to me, now I couldn't lose her again. I arrive at the port, throw the keys of the scooter at the rental guy, pay and run like mad towards the ferry docking area, just then I see one coming out of the mouth of the port.
No, no, noooo.

I run, run, run to the end of the quay and spot it at the stern, it's her, I'm sure, I can feel it. I'm now out of breath, but I start running back to my boat, I have to go after her, I can't lose track of her again.

I climb aboard and carry out all the manoeuvres to set sail in record time, I leave Ischia with my heart in turmoil. She asked for space, but didn't specify that she meant who knows how many kilometres of space. I can't, I can't give in to the fact that she's going away again, far away and alone, is she perhaps going back to Turkey? Something tells me no, she would have no room for herself there, she made it clear that she wanted to stand on her own two feet.

The favourable wind and the slenderness of my boat allow me to gradually gain ground on the huge ferry, and I am now forced to move to the port side so as not to find myself in its wake. I look towards that point on the bow where I thought I saw her at the port of Ischia. There she is, I'm sure it's her, just as I did from the terrace to the beach, this time too I feel her gaze on me, as if it were a physical touch. I also look at that solitary figure to convey to her all the despair I am feeling at that moment.

-Don't go away Sanem, lütfen, please-.

Soon we are at the port of Naples, now it will not be easy, my boat is not allowed in the area reserved for medium and long distance ferries, damn it.

I change course to head quickly towards the area of the port used for mooring pleasure craft, it is quite a long way from the area where the ferries are moored but I count on the lengthy docking and disembarkation procedures that these large vessels entail.

I enter the harbour and in no time at all I am ashore, running towards the point where her ferry is moored. I don't want to lose her again, I can't bear it, I only needed to know she was on the same island to be able to breathe, now I already feel like I'm back to those terrible days and the feeling of suffocation that followed her departure from Istanbul.

I arrive at the disembarkation point when the passengers have already started to disembark, my frantic and desperate gaze moves through the crowd.

Please, please, please Sanem don't go, please.

My pleas go unheard, there is no one left on the steps and the platform is emptying without my being able to spot it.

I bring my hands behind my head in a sign of anguish and despair.

Again, again I lost her...