A chance to love again

XXXIII

Can

It destroys me to see her so sad and hurt, what have I done to her?
I knew exactly where to hurt her. I already knew, from the early days in the agency, that she really disliked being called the 'OTHER' by Deren, she had always experienced it as a lack of consideration. Being the newcomer, the agency's handywoman, was already unrewarding in itself, but to completely lose her dignity as a person was intolerable.
Twice during our fights I had known where to strike in order to hurt her, and by telling her that she was as good to me as anyone else I had belittled and humiliated her for the umpteenth time.

I reach out a hand to touch her arm to comfort her and she reacts by wriggling out of the way and pulling away abruptly, I feel heartbroken at the thought that she is afraid of me, that I can no longer touch her without her having a reaction of revulsion.

I try to ask for her forgiveness and she replies that she doesn't know if she will be able to, she needs time.

I lower my head discouraged and defeated, it is not easy for her to trust me again, I understand.

- The storm is passing, I think you can go now, your clothes are not yet perfectly dry but the harbour is not far away, I advise you to change them for dry ones as soon as possible -.

Having said this she goes out onto the porch and rests her hands on the balustrade of the terrace taking deep breaths while looking at the sea. I realise I've besieged her even too much for today, I pick up my clothes that have been laid out and go back to the bathroom to put them back on, they're slightly damp but I'm certainly not going to die from it, I tie my hair back into a tail and go back to her on the porch.

She's left exactly where I left her, she's hugging herself tightly with her arms as if she's cold, I'd like to hold her to warm her and to whisper to her everything my heart is screaming inside of me right now, but now is not the time. I have to give her time and space, she's right, it's already a lot that today at the restaurant she let me talk, I understand that she still has my requests for forgiveness to assimilate.

- I'm leaving Sanem, I don't want to invade your space any further, thank you for giving me shelter. I just want to tell you one thing before I go, seni çok seviyorum, I love you so much Sanem, I only realized it clearly when it was too late, when I had already lost you, but this time I won't give up, I'll show you that you are not like anyone else to me, you are the ONLY one to me.

I leave her flat sad but not discouraged, I can't afford to be if I want to keep fighting to get my Sanem back, I go back to the beach to get my things, I turn to look at her terrace and she's still there. Our gazes meet despite the considerable distance, I feel her fixed on me, I feel the strength of it somehow instilling me with warmth and hope.
Her deep love for me cannot have faded, a flame must still be there under the rubble of the earthquake I caused in her heart, I just have to blow as hard as I can, with all the energy of the despair I feel at the idea of losing her to make it flare up again.

I raise my hand in greeting and head for the stairs to leave the beach and return to the boat.

I eat something after changing and go up on deck to admire a spectacular full moon. I take a bottle of whiskey with me, I haven't had a drink since that night back from the hospital, but tonight seems like the right night to drown in alcohol the desire to have her close and the bittersweet memories I have of us.

Several glasses later I seem to feel less of the weight that has been weighing down my heart for months, I raise my glass to that brilliant moon in a toast to hope, hope that I will succeed in the titanic task of bringing her back into my arms.