A chance to love again

XLI

Can

I've been in Naples for almost a month now and the "long distance" work for Fikri Harika is working perfectly, I managed to do several photo shoots for the campaigns they commissioned during the time I was travelling and then in Ischia.

My relationship with Sanem is changing and I realise that I am changing myself.

The time and space to think and reflect that she asked for her is actually serving me to become aware of many things about myself.

In our relationship I always decided for both of us, I gave her practically no opportunity to choose, I courted her until she gave in to me, I pushed her away when I discovered the deception with Emre, I decided we could just be friends and then once again I wanted us to get back together and then tell her it was over for good.
She practically had no say in the matter except when she surrendered to me and admitted that she loved me more than herself.

How can you abandon someone who says something like that to you?

That girl had a terrible accident one night when I completely turned my back on her and put her in danger, she must have suffered enormously from the fall and yet, with a fractured wrist and a rib, she got up the next morning and came to beg me to listen to her, isn't that loving the other person more than yourself?
On the other hand, I only ever thought of Can: Can betrayed, Can offended, Can angry, Can wanting to escape from a reality he could have faced simply by raising his eyes to that girl and opening his ears and heart to her explanations.

I decided she had to listen to me and I forced her to do so and, despite begging me to give her some time to think, I chased her to stop her from leaving.
How can a relationship work where one person decides for both of us?

I can't blame her for saying she doesn't know whether to trust me, I must count myself lucky that she finally allowed me to stay in touch with her.
Thinking every day about what to write to her is giving me the opportunity to look inside myself carefully and really understand how I feel. The infatuation for the girl kissed in the dark of the lodge and for her perfume has been replaced by a feeling that is becoming deeper and deeper, sincere, unconditional, I can now say for the first time that I have put her before myself, as she has done with me so many times.

A few days ago we started talking, I asked her if I could call her and she accepted. She tells me how much she is in love with the place where she is right now, she didn't tell me exactly where, but from what I understand it is a beautiful and picturesque seaside town. I was right, she is still in Italy even if with the thousands of kilometres of coastline and characteristic towns overlooking the sea she could be anywhere from north to south, islands included.

For now it's fine, I just want to enjoy the sound of her enthusiastic voice telling me how different and unique everything around her seems, how she is spending her time reading and writing sitting on a bench overlooking the sea. I seem to see her, my Sanem, looking dreamily at the sea while thinking of how to formulate the right sentence to express her thoughts.

Yesterday I sent her a picture with a quote from Nelson Mandela:

"May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears".

I would like to urge her to put hope in us, to believe that there can still be a future together, to trust and give me a chance to show her that I want to change for her.

I went to my friend Matteo's dinner and I met his wife and son, seeing them so close and happy gave me a further push not to give up, I am convinced that one day Sanem and I can have that warmth, that sense of belonging that I felt in that house.
I want it and I need it so much, I realise it only now, it's something that unfortunately I have never experienced in my life and that now I can only imagine with her.

We are making progress, small daily progress, she is getting used to me again and we are growing together, as equals, in this new relationship.

I choose hope...do you?