A chance to love again

VIII

Can

I leave the hospital as if in a trance, Emre does not want me to drive in the state I am in so he takes me away with him, I have no desire to go home, I ask him to accompany me to the shed, I need to be alone even if from now on that much loved place will only remind me of what happened the night before.

Once there, I light the fire in the brazier in the garden and I can't do anything but sit and drink like I had never done before, ending up with the most colossal hangover, while I brood over what happened and the enormity of the mistakes I made.

One bottle after another and I was in such a state that I couldn't even get up to go into the cabin, I collapsed asleep hours later on the lawn in a sleep plagued by terrible nightmares of Sanem falling and rolling down an endless slope.

I wake up the next day, when the sun is already high in the sky, in a pitiful state, my mouth slurred and my head aching. I can hardly get up to pick up the phone and call a taxi home, in dire need of a shower and headache pills.

Only hours and hours later I am finally back to being myself, but with the return of lucidity the sense of guilt for what had happened, for my behaviour and for my unspeakable superficiality comes back.

I had wounded my erkenci kuş almost to death without meaning to, the mere thought of it was intolerable for me, one of the things I loved about her was her inexhaustible vitality and joy of life that she expressed in every single moment, in just one night I had almost destroyed everything: I had wounded her soul with my words and I had let her be wounded almost to death by an accident that should never have happened.

I am deeply ashamed of my behaviour and what had ensued.

I walk back and forth in the garden until the afternoon gives way to night, I can't rest, I have to see her, I have to make sure she is OK.

Emre had called me and offered to drive me to pick up the car in the hospital car park, but I had declined the offer, telling him I would take a taxi, he didn't need to bother.

I actually have a plan and I'd better go just to have plenty of time to put it into action.

I call a taxi and arrive at the hospital at 10.30pm, at which time there is little movement in the car park and at the hospital entrance.

I go in as if I know exactly where to go, actually I know because I managed to get Emre to explain to me exactly where Sanem's room is.

I walk down a series of endless corridors and finally arrive in front of what should be her room, I imperceptibly open the door to make sure there is no one with her before entering.

I'm lucky, I don't see anyone but my Sanem, beautiful even in a hospital bed, her wrist is in a cast and conspicuous bandages around her chest can be seen through the front opening of her pyjama jacket.

It makes my heart tighten to see her in that condition, she really has suffered a terrible fall and I wasn't there to protect her.

I cautiously approach the bed, I scan her beautiful face to fix in my memory every single detail, the fullness of her lips, the perfect arch of her eyebrows, her small nose, her swan-like neck where I always loved to hide my face to inhale her perfume.

Her perfume, the cause of it all, that damned perfume that drove me to madness.

I'm lost in my thoughts, my gaze fixed on his lips whose fullness and taste are indelibly fixed in my mind, when I realize that she has opened her eyes and is staring at me.

I am breathless for a moment at the sight of those beautiful hazel eyes that have stolen my heart and soul, but then, seeing the serene expression on her face suddenly change into a grimace of contempt, I am forced to recover from my trance-like state.

-Sanem, ozür dilerim, I apologise.

Forgive me for the way I treated you at the hut, for the absurd words I said to you and for not making sure you left in a taxi safe and sound.

Özür dilerim Sanem. -

I see her nodding, her gaze steady and hard.

- Tamam, it's fine, you've said what you had to say, now you can leave, you can rest your conscience now that you've apologised.

Please go, I'm tired and I'm not in the mood for guests.

Hoşçakal, goodbye Can -

I have never heard Sanem speak to me in such a cold and detached tone, I am shocked by her attitude but I can't blame her, she must think the worst of me and she is right. I am about to explain the misunderstanding concerning Polen when the door opens and I see a nurse enter.

- I'm sorry, but visiting hours have been over for a while, I have to ask you to please take a seat, the patient needs to rest at this time of the night -

I turn to look into her eyes with a heartfelt gaze, I find no warmth in hers, she has barricaded herself behind an impassable wall of coldness and detachment.
I turn and leave the room defeated, I have not been able to talk to her as I wanted to, I have not been able to explain the misunderstanding caused by Polen, I have not been able to open my heart to him.

Is it perhaps too late? Did I allow things to go too far because of my pride and stubbornness?