A chance to love again

XXXVI

Sanem

"Would you like to be alone with me?"

This sentence takes me back to when my heart felt free to love without constraints and fears, answering one way rather than another seems crucial, I feel like I am at a crossroads and have two roads in front of me.

What happened a little while ago struck me very much, the sweetness with which she treated that child, how she tenderly ruffled his hair smilingly touched me deeply, I can't think of not letting him know that he's going to have a child, as Elisa has also rightly perceived, Can is a good person, he doesn't deserve not to be made aware of something so important.

I lean my back against the boat, I close my eyes turning my face to the sun and I sigh, I can't, the child that is growing inside me is also his, it's right that he should be part of his son's life, even if he should continue to travel somehow I know that he would manage to love him.

What I have to understand is what role I would like him to have in MY life, that's what I can't decide

"Bis, bis, bis... we, we, we. Don't say we Sanem" these words of his come back to my mind and repeat themselves endlessly, words that he shouted at me resolutely that night, he was convinced that there was no more us.

But can I now say that there could still be an us? I don't know how to say it.

- Can listen, I came here to rest but above all I got away from everyone to think clearly, I was so confused when I landed on this island and your words yesterday managed to confuse me even more, I don't know what to do or what to think at the moment and your closeness only manages to complicate and entangle my thoughts even more.

He remains silent then smiles and whispers sadly - I could almost feel flattered by the fact that my closeness confuses and entangles you -

I smile too, but become serious again and feel I must continue - I must reflect on your words, I must reflect on who I am and who I want to be, I must reflect on what I want, I need time Can, lütfen, please try to understand. I need time and space to think and heal, maybe even from the anger that has taken hold of me because of what has happened, I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, to understand what I want and if I can really manage to overcome and forgive what has happened, otherwise I would risk living in fear that you might leave me at the slightest hint of difficulty -

He remains silent, I understand that it's not easy for him to accept this, but that's how I feel right now. I stand up and he with me - Thank you for this beautiful breakfast, it was very nice of you, if your intention was to impress me I can guarantee you succeeded, but please understand, give me space - He looks me in the eyes and nods - Alright, you're right, I'm besieging you, sorry, as I told you yesterday it's hard for me to stay away from you, you attract me like a bright light attracts a moth in the night, I can't resist-

- Lütfen, please Can -

- Ok, I have to respect your will, if that's what you want, so be it, I'm staying here on the island, I'm not going anywhere, you can call me whenever you want, tamam, ok? -

I nod and give him a grateful look, I place a hand on his cheek looking into his eyes for a long time, I place a light kiss on his cheek and then I head towards my flat. I started to understand that I need to get clear in myself before making a decision about my relationship with Can, I owe it to myself and I owe it to my son.

I call Elisa and ask her to join me under the porch for tea, expressing my thoughts to her helps me to understand and accept my feelings on which I have to base crucial decisions for my future.

I spend the day on the porch, curled up on the overstuffed deckchair pretending to read, but mostly looking at the sea and a certain point of the beach that now seems desolately empty without him.

I get off and take a long walk on the beach until I get to those rocks that I had avoided until now, but which I now see as an opportunity to learn how to deal with my emotions, I climb up and cautiously begin to move from one to the other until I find one that is low and flat, just like the one that in Istanbul knew so much about me and him.

I sit for a long time watching the sun set behind a fiery horizon and then, before it gets dark, I go back to my flat to do what I have to do. I go up to dinner and Andrea's presence, cheerful and easy-going, manages once again to distract me from my dark and oppressive thoughts. Elisa joins us, as usual, at the end of the evening, this time together with her parents who are back from their holiday. Two pearls of children like Andrea and Elisa could only have been brought up by a lovely couple, two cheerful and sunny people, clearly still very much in love with each other. This is the love I dream of, the one made of closeness, trust and mutual support, this is what I saw every day of my childhood between my parents and this is what I would like my son to see when he grows up.

Kisses, hugs, goodbyes and I go back to my flat, I'm about to enter the patio when something attracts my attention towards the beach, I approach the balustrade to understand what it is and I am amazed. In the exact spot where he has been standing for days it seems that this time he wanted to leave a message for me, I'm thrilled by his gesture, I have to admit, I can't say he's not doing his best to win me back...