A chance to love again

XX

Can

The days pass by and we can't get any definite news of Sanem, I have informed Emre that I will be leaving shortly and he will have to take charge of the agency during my absence.
Even if I don't know exactly where Sanem is, I have decided to leave shortly with my bank, in the direction of Naples. I've decided to go by sea first of all because I need peace and to be alone with myself and to reflect on my behaviour towards the woman I love, then because I dream of convincing Sanem to come back with me and to share with her a romantic return trip to bring us closer and to find each other again.

I spend my free time at the harbour preparing the boat for the crossing, doing the necessary repairs and supplies. This and the last commitments in the agency keep my mind busy waiting to leave, I had decided to go to the Balkans leaving her, while now I am about to leave for Italy in search of her.

The private investigator informed me that the signal of her phone has been intercepted for a very short time so the software was not able to narrow down the area where she is, it could only confirm that she is in Naples or the surrounding area. At this point I told him that I will leave and we will keep in touch so that I can rectify the route based on any indications that I receive from him.

I'm as determined as I've ever been in my life, I've realised that without her I don't live, I don't sleep, I don't eat, I can't stay, I don't exist.

The long phone calls with my father and the late night chats over a glass of whisky with Metin have served me in these days as a sort of therapy, I am starting to understand many things about myself, who I am, why I am like this.
I understood that my mother's abandonment compromised my ability to trust people, Sanem paid the highest price, all it took was a half-truth, a hidden secret and I lost my mind. I felt that the ground was missing under my feet and I poured out on her all the frustrations of a lifetime of lies from my mother who promised to come back soon but never did until it was too late.

Now I have to go first of all to remedy my mistakes, asking forgiveness to the woman I love, but I intend, as soon as I return to Istanbul, to start a therapy with a specialist who will help me to understand how my behaviour is influenced by that lonely and abandoned child who did not want to resign himself for so long to being rejected by his own mother.

I realise that this does not justify my rude behaviour, in my manners and words, that night at the hut with Sanem.
I can hardly find a valid explanation for that myself, I might have been angry, disappointed, but why I went so far as to hold her tightly and shout at her I cannot explain myself.
I will never be able to apologise enough for that, I fully realise that.

I just want another chance to show her how much I love her, how sorry I am for hurting her and for even remotely thinking I could live without her, that's all I ask.

I miss her too much , I feel like I can't breathe without her.

I'll do everything I can to make it up to her, it can't really be over I know it, she loves me with a sincere love that only now I can recognise the same love inside me, only now that she's far away I can recognise the depth of the feelings I have for her.

I want to be with Sanem, I want to hold her close to me and never let her go, I'll do everything in my power to ask her forgiveness, I won't give up, I have to, I have to find her and win her back or my life will never be called life without her.