A chance to love again

XXXIV

Sanem

His words once again shook the wall around my heart to its foundations, seni çok seviyorum, I love you so much he told me, but like now he had said it so many times in the past. Love is a crazy and great feeling, it can allow us to do unimaginable things, crazy things that we would never have imagined doing, for love we cross borders, break chains, break prejudices and climb mountains.
How can you say that you love and then a moment later say that it is over, that the person you said you loved is no longer anything and nothing to you? That's what Can did with me ... but now I realise I'm doing exactly the same with him. If I love him how can I close myself off to any possibility of forgiving him and trusting him again?

I've always thought that my love for him was Love with a capital L, the kind you only find once in a lifetime and that leads you to do anything for another person, he wasn't able to forgive a mistake I made, a lack of mine and now I'm not doing the same?

I see him go down to the beach again to retrieve the things he left there during the storm. He turns towards me and looks at me intensely, despite the distance I feel the warmth of his gaze on my skin as if he was caressing me, I look at him with the same intensity sighing, can I say today that our bond no longer exists as he said to me that night at the cabin?

I shake my head more and more confused as I see him raise his hand in greeting and leave, he hasn't even disappeared around the corner and I miss him already, I don't know how I feel right now, I would love to run after him but I can't, I feel I can't afford to believe anymore.

I go back to the house to change and then go upstairs for dinner. Andrea is back from his errands in Naples, he greets me at the table smiling as usual and his company once again manages to take my mind off the difficult decisions I have to take in the immediate future.

As usual at the end of the dinner, when all the other guests are slowly leaving the restaurant, Elisa comes to sit with us at the table bringing tea for me and coffee for them.

- So girl, what do you say? Today at lunch I saw you in company, what happened? Tell me -

- Elisa, right now I don't have the strength to go over what happened today, it's too much to process and at the moment I don't feel in a position to do it, I can only tell you that I'm getting more and more confused.

- Sanem too many things have happened in your life in the last months, it's natural that you are struggling to process them, don't worry, think about resting and you'll see that little by little the ideas will begin to clear up, I'm sure.
You know that I will be on your side whatever decision you decide to take, I told my friend to put the rent of her flat on hold to give you time to make a decision.
Remember, that's just plan B - she winks at me - The hottie who has been standing under our windows for days could be a beautiful plan A if only you'd let her -

I smile amused at his comment - I see you've been busy watching him! -

- Yeah, right, actually I couldn't see him clearly enough so I had to go down to the beach to admire him up close -

- What? I don't understand -

- I went to the beach this morning to talk to him, do you want me to tell you what I think? -

I nod with conviction.

- He seems like a good person Sanem, someone who has made a mistake and wants to make up for it in any way he can. We all make mistakes, nobody's perfect, think about it -

- I am perfect -

Andrea with his jokes succeeds in lightening the atmosphere as usual, all three of us laugh while Elisa pushes him against the shoulder.

I say goodbye to them shortly afterwards to go back home, Elisa's words struck me, I think that apart from being a very sweet friend she is a very perceptive and careful woman in judging people, she would not be a journalist if she were not so, and I was struck by the impression she got from Can.

I too once thought Can was a good person, I still do in fact, but now my view of him is driven by anger and resentment and is no longer as crystal clear as it once was.

Is it possible that my judgement is so clouded by what has happened that I can no longer see things clearly?

Can I be sure that at the slightest hint of difficulty, he will not run away as he intended to do just over a month ago? What happened to his intention to go to the Balkans on Polen's proposal?

I still can't believe what that woman was able to concoct in order to divide us, I'm happy at least that Can has acknowledged his fault for not having clarified the situation decisively by continuing to give the impression, to my eyes as well as Polen's obviously, that she still had an important place in her life. With that way of doing things he did nothing but delude her that there was still a chance for her to win him back.

There are so many questions crowding my mind, I seem to be going in circles and going nowhere at the moment. I can only let his words today settle to see where they may lead us, I need to understand if I can be able to move on from what was and truly get past it to trust him again.