THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS ♡

chapter 36: thank you

I cried. All I did was cry. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like disappearing from everything. The pain was unbearable. The one person should trust the most to stand by me through a difficult time happened to be the one that caused me the most pain.

I've never been more hurt in my life.

I wanted to message Jesse or call him so I can scream and curse at him with everything I had in me. I felt like I was suffocating. Like I was drowning. I was so consumed by sadness. My body felt numb. But after a few minutes of sobbing, I told myself that I should just not think about him anymore. I deserved better than him and that I should just move on. So I sucked up my emotions and bottled them up inside me. I know that's not healthy but it seems logical in this moment. After that I just decided to go to sleep.

The whole night I kept tossing and turning. I couldn't get a proper nights rest. I kept thinking about 'him'. This happened again on Sunday night. Barely slept a wink. I decided to just sit up and scroll through tiktok. But the thing with tiktok is, you don't realize just how long you've been scrolling for. Next thing you know the sun could be rising. And that's exactly what happened. For the first time in hours I checked the time. That's when I realized it was 6:29am. Oh shit. Did I just spend the last 5 or so hours on tiktok? Yes, yes I did.

My eyes went huge as I realized my alarm clock would go off in he next few seconds and I barely got any sleep last night. Damn it. I was so extremely tired, but, tiktok was a good distraction, I won't lie. With a heavy sigh, I heaved my body out of my bed and made my way downstairs. My mom was already in the kitchen making breakfast.

"Morning Gray. Breakfast is almost ready." she says.

"Morning mom."I greet back with a yawn.

"You sound even more tired than usual. Did you sleep well last night?" she asks noticing my sleepy mood.

"I barely slept, I was mostly on tiktok." I reply absentmindedly. When I realize what I said my eyes went big. My mom will kill me if I say I was up on my phone that late.

"Why were you on your phone that late? You know you have school today?" she asks with anger lacing he voice.

"I'm sorry mom, I really didn't mean to. I just... haven't been feeling good lately." I say.

"You still struggling to process dad's death? I understand my baby." she says.

I wanna tell her about what happend with Jesse but I don't know if she'll be upset I have, well had, a boyfriend. But suddenly my emotions take over and I unload everything onto her.

"Well, yes I'm still not over, and never will get over dad's death, but it's not just that." I say softly.

"Then what else is it? You know you can tell me anything okay." she responds. That's reassuring.

"Well you see, I had a boyfriend, and, we were happy for many many months, and then I found out on social media he was cheating on me. He posted a picture of him kissing another girl and that comments were talking about them being a couple. He was a big part of my support system and made the weight of dad's death a little but lighter. And then he moved and-" I say before realizing I gave a way a big piece of information. The only person my mom knows that moved and was a close friend of mine was Jesse. She would put two and two together and realize it was him.

"Wait wait wait, you had a boyfriend? And you didn't tell me?" she asks.

"I was gonna tell you when the time was right but-"

"And wait, he moved away? Was your friend Jesse your boyfriend?" she asks me sternly and I can tell she is mad. But I can't tell if it's because I had a boyfriend or because he cheated on me.