Don't Die On Me (Phan AU) {completed}

Chapter 5: What to Say?

*TRIGGER WARNING* srry:(

PHILS POV:

After Dan leaves, I don't know what to do. I could just mope around and cry for an hour, but I don't feel like just crying, I feel like thinking... About Dan. I walk to my room and go to my bed. I look down at lion, my little friend and smile.

"You'll always love me? Right lion?" I ask him childishly. I put my finger to the back of his head and make him nod gently. I smile and hug him tightly. Then I place a quick kiss on his forehead and place him gently on my nightstand. Then my mind starts thinking about Dan again. Dan is such an amazing friend. Look he's even buying you a present cause he thinks your the great friend, even though your the worst person in the world. I don't deserve such an amazing, adorable,kind, and just downright perfect friend like Dan. He would never love me the way I love him. Suddenly I feel silent tears trickling down my face. Look at yourself, your a worthless mess, I think to myself. Dan deserves someone better. I put my hands in my face and sob. I open my eyes and look down my sleeves and see them, all of the scares and cuts going down my wrist. I just stare at them as I get up from my bed. I lift up my shirt halfway, revealing even more scares, larger ones. My eyes flicker and pull my shirt down quickly. No, stop Phil. I think to myself. I've been clean for so many years now, I can't go back to doing it again.

"What does it matter anymore!" I yell out loud. Arguing with my thoughts. He doesn't love me,and he never will. Wait! I know! If he still want me in his life he will answer me calling him. I pull out my phone, go to favorite contacts and choose "Dan". I click call and put it up to my ear. Not even one ring and I hear his voice. Though it's not actually him talking. It's his voicemail.

"Hey hey! It's Dan! Sorry I couldn't reach you! I'm probably browsing the Internet or out with Phil right now! Leave me a message and I'll get back to you! Byyyyyyye!" I put my phone down on my dresser. All I can think of is him mentioning me in his voicemail. But it doesn't matter now. I made a promise to myself, and he didn't answer the phone, instead it went right to voicemail. Well theres your answer. He doesn't want you in his life.

I slowly walk to the bathroom locking the door. I go to the cabinet above the toilet, and grab out band aids, tweezers and a razor. I lay them all down on the counter top of the sink. I grab the tweezers and the razor, and pull out one of the blades from it.i slowly put the tweezers and the razor down, and put the blade to my wrist. Slowly,deeply dragging it across my already scarred arm. But I don't just do it once, I have more pain to release then that. I put 6 cuts on my right arm and 10 on my left. It hurts, but also feels good to be releasing all of my pain and suffering without Dan. Dan...oh no.. What if he finds me in here..blood running down my arms? I quickly rinse my arms and put my bandages on my arms. And run back into my room. I quickly put on a long sleeve plaid shirt. Suddenly, I hear the front door open.

"Phil? Can you come out here? I've brought someone I think you'd like to meet" I hear Dan say. I quickly go to my mirror, fix my fringe, wipe my eyes and go out the door. When I walk out, I see Dan with a girl...I knew it. He doesn't want to be with me.

"Hey! This is Fiona! We met at Starbucks today, and I thought she would like to meet you, and you meet her" he says. I put on my best smile even though anger and sadness runs through me.