Devotion [L. S.]

6

Trigger warning: eating disorder

About the gif: yes you saw that right ;)

Louis Tomlinson

I couldn't do this right now. Not in the first fucking period of the day. What was I thinking? That I was just magically healed? That after a whole year of struggling with this shit, I could just go to school and pretend like it all didn't happen?

I needed Zayn, God I fucking needed Zayn. Or my mom, or Lottie. I don't care I just needed someone I love right now.

I know what happens on moments like this and it just couldn't happen, not in front of my 'new' class and God, not in front of Harry. 

I can do this, just think about something else, you can do this. Happy place, need to go to my happy place.

Suddenly I notice that Harry's talking to me, but I couldn't hear a single thing. Need to go to my happy place, now. I couldn't do it, I just couldn't concentrate.

I was trying so hard to picture me sitting on the couch, holding Daisy, while Phoebe is whining about the lack of attention she got. So then I just took her on my lap too. And I hear Fizzy and Lottie giggling in the kitchen, while they're 'helping' mom with the dessert.

I picture it as a giant chocolate cake with rasberries on top. My dad is just sitting on the couch, opposite of me admiring his wife in the kitchen with two of his daughters. 

"Louis?", Daisy asked in the sweetest voice, looking up to me from my lap.

"Yes, love", I answer. God I loved these 2 tiny creatures. 

"Do you also think we should ask mom to buy a pink christmas tree next year?", she then asked with eyes full of hope.

"Ofcourse, I think that's a wonderful idea", I whisper in Daisy's ear. 

Just after I said that, the 2 precious girls shot up and ran to the kitchen to ask my mom.

I couldn't hear what they were saying, but suddenly I heard a loud laugh, obviously from my mom. So I just smile, just like my dad. 

I loved christmas evenings, because that was also my birthday. Just spending time with my family is what I loved most in this world. Even more than football. 

But it just wasn't good enough this time. I couldn't concentrate. Well, if this wasn't working then I just needed to get out of here as fast as possible. 

I didn't even have time to grab my backpack or coat, just needed to get out of that classroom. I didn't hear any of Harry's screams asking me if I was alright. 

I wasn't. I really was not.

After leaving the classroom, I stood in the, soon to be filled with students, hall of the school. Before having time to think about this, I start to run over to the bathroom.

My lungs hurt, normally it wouldn't have been a problem to run from our English classroom to the bathroom, but now I was kind of hyperventilating, which didn't help with the running. 

There they were, finally. I crashed through the door and passed the bathroom mirrors. I took a quick glance at myself and saw that I was looking very pale and I could just see the 2 slices of bread I ate this morning. 

I could see how they made my stomach look that little bit too fat. I shoudn't have eaten 2 slices of bread. What was I thinking?

I crashed into the first door I saw, the one on my left. Just like any other school bathroom it was way too light and it smelled like, I don't even know how to explain that smell. I just knew I hated it and it gave me a headache.