Devotion [L. S.]

13

Trigger warning: eating disorder

"What's your biggest secret? And it doesn't really need to be your biggest, just something nobody really knows", I'm nervous about asking this question because a person can really take this the wrong way and find it way too personal. But with Harry, I feel like it'll be okay. I always feel like that and it's fucking scary. Harry looks down at the floor, in this case, rooftop, again and I immediately regret the question. But to my surprise, the suddenly shy boy starts talking.

〜

Harry Styles

This night has been perfect. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here on this beautiful rooftop with an even more beautiful boy. With Louis, I felt so different, so not Harryish. I'm way more confident. I'm more goofy and sarcastic. I feel special and appreciated. I feel like Louis actually wants me to be there and well, I don't have that very often. 

I like how we are trapped in this bubble of happiness, this bubble where everything's just fun and games. But at the same time, I feel like we are having the deepest conversations, just not verbally. Louis taught me that you could learn an awful lot about a person, just by looking into their eyes. 

In those 3 days, I've gotten the opportunity to experience how his pupils expand the tiniest bit whenever he looks into my eyes. How his irises light up whenever he's talking about something he loves like football or his family and how his cheeks blush when I say his name. But most of all, I've noticed how those exact things happen to me as well, if not even worse.

How I feel my blood prickling in my veins when he calls me 'Haz'. Or how I feel my dimple appear every time the damn boy just... speaks.

And so then we were sitting here on top of this rooftop, eating the spaghetti the twins just brought us. 

Just like all those facial features of him that I've been carefully studying, I want to get to know him. I want to know what keeps him up at night, what his favourite kind of sweets is. I want to know what teacher he had in preschool. I want to know when he lastly wet his bed. 

I feel this... ache inside of me that I can't control, telling me that I need to simply absorb myself in him. That I want him to swallow me in some way. I feel like I want to be close to him, I need to be close to him, but I can't. So all I can do to still this hunger a little, is talk to him and ask him stuff. God, the amount of questions I've asked this afternoon. I can't believe that he didn't send me away for being this annoying. 

But now he did the one thing I hated the most, he asked me a question. I don't know why people would want to ask me questions. Why people would want to get to know me. And it wasn't just a casual question, like when's your birthday, oh no. What is your biggest secret?

What is my biggest secret? I wouldn't know, I have quite a few, but I guess I do know which one's my biggest. With any other person I would've just made something up or maybe even dodged the question, but I felt like I couldn't do that with Louis. I felt this weird urge that I wanted to tell him all about me and I've never had that before either. 

I usually hate talking about myself to others, I simply felt like I wasn't interesting enough for that. But just like every single damn thing, it was different with Louis. Should I just tell him? Should I just tell him what I've been hiding for so long now? I feel like he deserves to know. I feel like I want him to know. 

"My euhm- My dad he-", I manage to blurt out, before I feel a tear prickle in my eye. 

I decide to just take a casual swig of the Sprite bottle acting like I didn't just say that and hoping Louis didn't hear it. It's stupid 'cause of course, he heard it, I just said it out loud.